Thursday, January 12, 2017

In Which, My Life, Spiraling Out of Control, Reverts to it's Base State.


The Boys are Back in Town! Boys are Back in Tow-ow-ow-owwwwn!


Maybe you are thinking "Kurt, the handsomest scoundrel on the Internet hasn't posted in a really long time, I wonder what he is up to and if he is single." Well, I am NOT single, because I will always have my cat and that cat loves the shit out of me. Also, I still have a girlfriend who isn't a puppet made out of a sock and two buttons (well, one button and a glued-on piece of candy corn) and she thinks I'm alright when I remember to shower, but I don't even KNOW when she became such a Diva. It's like giving me access to her vagina gives her the right to gently point out growth opportunities. Well, Eff that! I've got you're growth opportunity right here, Bucko! (*Grabs junk. Realizes how itchy it is. Contemplates shower.*)

Well the good news is that I'm unemployed again and maybe you think that is heart-wrenching but really it just means less pants time and more "writing dumb shit on the Internet time". So I'm totally going to be all up in your grills, yo. It'll be like having a sexy friend to hang out with all the time, and this friend is so sexy you don't ever feel the need to point out that the inside of the microwave should never be cleaned by tearing away the congealed Ragu scabs and shouting "That's a spicy meatball!" every single time and you also would never dream of pointing out to him that it's not normal for a car to sound like a German half-track with one track blown off and maybe you should get that muffler looked at and you would definitely never give him a sad and mildly disgusted look when he sits down to his dinner of 3 lbs of mild Italian sausage, because you understand that no matter what he's beautiful on the inside but especially on the outside.

So welcome back, Me. I'm sure most of my old followers have "grown up" and "moved on" and "had a life" but I like to think of myself as a constant. Like the speed of light or my dog walking past a cat pan and deciding now would be a good time for a snack.The point is, I'm your friend for life and maybe you think that entitles you to my free BOGO hamburger but I doubt you even LIKE pickles and also I'm hungry and also, also it was my hard work digging in the couch cushions and returning bottles that got us the extra $0.85 that even made these burgers possible so until you've contributed a little you can just shut the hell up.

PS: Fun Fact - I wrote most of this post in 2011, and posted it and then never came back. so HA! Fooled ya! (The lack of personal growth is not pathetic and sad at all. End of discussion.) I'm like Peter Pan. Only green looks bad on me and so do pants and I totes would have diddled Tinkerbell.

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