Thursday, January 19, 2017

In Which, I Reflect on the Coming Inauguration and Come Back With A Strong Anti-Suicide Argument

One of these guys I'd watch all day

It's hard to believe with all that's going on in the world that this is the best use of my ( also: your) time, but it turns out at my age there's a maximum number of times a day where em-bating is a viable option for "What should I do with the next 3 minutes?" 

And maybe you're thinking "There's no way someone as virile as you, with all your super-model girlfriends, needs to master-b more than 4 times a day!" and you'd normally be right, but right now all my incredibly sexy friends / work-partners are busy turning down inaugural invitations, so I'm on my own. 

And that's not Trump's Inauguration I'm talking either, because that really is quite a topic of conversation (!!) what I'm talking about is my own special ceremony where I stand on a dock and let them take turns hitting me in the grapes with champagne bottles. (Or rather Two Buck Chuck...my Inauguration is a classy, subdued affair.) I think that sounds way funnier than the actual Inauguration of The President of the United States, who is an orange with a mop on his head and has a turtle asshole for a mouth. 

And maybe your thinking I shouldn't speak of the President-elect that way but what you forget is I am this nation's leading political pundit according to a poll I just took of my cat and the dog. I take my duties very seriously, I even picked the dried up elbow macaroni out of the pocket of my bathrobe for the occasion. I also tidied up all my charger cords and sniffed each one to make sure the dog didn't piss on them again. Because if history has taught us anything it's that Jewish people have had a tough time*, but if history has taught us two things it's that Jewish people have had a tough time and that urine is an excellent conductor of electrical current. 

And by the way, I think even the word "Inauguration" is pretentious and wish they would just call it a "New Guy Party" or something because if I have to spellcheck Inauguration one more time some algorithm at the Pentagon is gonna flag me for terrorism or perversion or leprosy or something. The point is I'm not a terrorist and I don't have any disease from 0 AD, so shut up. 

I just hate having to spell Inauguration. I'm all "I-N-A-U-ugh! I'm already bored with this!-G-U-R-A- UGGGH!!-T-I-O-N!" and by the time I'm done I wish I was dead, but remember in the beginning of this post where I said don't commit suicide? Still true. Oh wait I took out the anti-suicide bit to talk about master-b-ing. Well trust me, it was there. Definitely don't kill yourself, because I don't want it coming back to me in any way. Like I need that hassle. The Feds already think I'm a perverted leper. 

I tried calling the dictionary people just now to complain about the "I-word" (a close relative to another one letter word, but wayyyy less offensive.) and they keep hanging up on me. And sure maybe the Fred Webster who lives in my hometown doesn't specifically work for the dictionary but I'm sure someone in his family does. It's not what you know, it's who you know, I always say.  I'm going to keep calling him. He'll buckle eventually. 


*True and not antisemitic. For antisemitism feel free to tune into tomorrow's Inauguration. I'd say there's a 50/50 shot for any racist / sexist idea to surface if Trump's teleprompter goes down. 

1 comment:

Joe said...

This is downright genius-y, and I wish I'd had it to read over and over again, around I-word time.

Now, matters are worse...