Monday, March 14, 2011

Actual Train of Thought. Woo Woo!

When I renamed this I called it "Rock Paper Weiner".
(*checks front door for award presenters*)

I woke up this morning wondering what this year's Sex Sunday sermon would be about, now that Lent is upon us and we are supposed to be celebrating the head of our faith being executed in the desert a billion years ago or whatever.

And my first thought was maybe they would do dildos and vibrators this year, because those are pretty classy and tame and not likely to upset the delicate sensibilities of some of the older church members. (I totally just said "members"...you know...like "cocks") I mean as long as they don't talk about the Kong Dong or Mama's Thrilling Pony Ride (made that up...I should be in marketing probably. and by "probably" I mean "definitely") I think it could be okay. They would want to steer away from the DP stuff and probably assplay in general, but I think a fairly reasonable and articulate priest could do a nice job with that. You know. Like that young cool lady priest who wears her robe super tight, with the red, red lipstick and the librarian glasses? She'd do an awesome job I bet.

Down in front, Moral Majority Kitty!

And then I was thinking that maybe that wouldn't be such a good topic because unless my memory serves me incorrectly I think the Catholic Church is still up in the air on where it falls on the topic of masturbation. I distinctly remember a Monty Python song about the subject maybe. So if not dildos and vibrators what WOULD the Sex Sunday sermon be about. And besides, most of the sexy strippers I go to church with would probably get a little worked up thinking about all this stuff and then want to have interesting 30-ways with me right there in the cloisters* and I'm definitely sure the church has some kind of stance on THAT.

And then I remembered that I was dreaming that whole thing and there wasn't any such thing and also that maybe going to bed stuffed full of cheesy garlic knots and porn wasn't such a very good plan after all.


Moral: Sexy dreams about church are totally normal and not indicative of any weird buried feelings that involve shame and sex and that one time when you maybe punched out a hooker and ran away without paying, because "the sky is the limit" isn't necessarily completely true.

Double Moral: If Jesus had been cooler and talked about how awesome sex toys are, he would probably still be alive today and in charge of the swingin'-est, sexiest, richest organization in the whole world** instead of dying for our sins***. I really wish I had a time machine. But that has nothing to do with this.

Triple Moral: I wish I had a time machine.


*Bitches be horny, yo.
** He is currently head only of the richest, which is still pretty good.
*** This isn't technically blasphemy, because I said "If" first. That makes it a theory. And therefore science. Which Jesus was all about. Amen.