Thursday, August 4, 2011

A Treatise on Aging Gracefully OR My Slow Descent

There comes a time in every man's life when he has to stop and take a step back from himself and decide if the path he has chosen is the one that will bring the most joy to both himself and the world around him. There also comes a time when he has to decide if he has sucked all the flavor out of the grape jelly stain on the front of his bathrobe and another time when he tries to remember if the robe was always that dingy grey color or if it was white when he stole it from the hotel. And another time when a man has to ask himself if he can remember the last time he actually wore underpants for more than 15 minutes. While all these are important times, I think it's the first one I will address. Mostly because I already figured out those other ones.

I realized I was taking this whole "turning 40" thing a little more severely than I had originally thought when I pictured myself as a cool, laid back millionaire riding around in my sports coupe and going through bikini models like a fat kid goes through Chips Ahoy!© But then I caught myself pricing kayaks and hiking shoes and GPSs online. I don't kayak. I don't hike. I wouldn't need a GPS unless some evil genius suddenly moved my toilet somewhere tricky because the best reason for needing a GPS is "going places" and not "need an ice cream sandwich". If there was a GPS that always pointed to the nearest ice cream sandwich I would buy 6, and then I would hide ICSs (YOU try typing "ice cream sandwiches" 1000 times, Mr. Fucking Tolstoy-blogger.) all over my house and have magical treasure hunts all day, except they would melt if I hid them anywhere but the freezer, so there would need to be a certain element of self-deception in play at all times. "Now where (beep) could that (beep beep) ICS (beep beep beep) be? (beeep beep beep beep!!!)" (*opens freezer door. notices how shiny handle is*)

Also, now that I'm 40 I have decided I can begin my slow descent into alcoholism and/or dementia. That means it's time to get off my ass and start shunning people for keeps. Prior to this I have been shunning people randomly and for very short periods of time. Like once my mom served Lima beans with dinner so I shunned her until desert, and another time my landlord wouldn't stop knocking on my door and shouting "I can SEE your effing car in the driveway, KURT!" so he got shunned until my next paycheck and I tried to shun the cat because his litter box smells bad, but he just looked at me, and then walked in a circle and then fell over. Shunning doesn't work on cats at all is my point. I'll never be able to shun pussy, I guess! (*makes "wakka-wakka!" Fozzie Bear noise into empty refrigerator*

First Kitty Photoshop in Months! Feels. So. GOOOOOOOOD!!!

No. The shunning I mean is like for the checkout clerk at the grocery store who is so stuck up and makes me get an actual bottle deposit receipt instead of paying her in empty beer cans I found in the couch cushions. Or the lady at the daycare who insists that no matter how loud I scream "whore!" at her, I can't have a lollipop if my kid isn't enrolled. Or the guy at the hardware store who won't answer a simple question about which pair of pliers is best for taking out fillings, even though this is America and according to the Constitution we can torture pretty much anyone we want. (look it up! Knowledge is power!) And I don't even mean "torture porn" if that's what you are wondering, because you are a sicko who doesn't understand that sometimes the best way to love something is to bruise it.

Other things I've started shunning include showering, vegetables, and "The Nanny" because OMG have you even HEARD that chick's voice! It's like listening to bees fuck.

HAHAHAHAA! Fran Drescher reference!

Yeah.... I still got it. Here's a video of one of my favorite songs by one of my favorite bands. I totally "get" this Internet thing, yo.:


21 comments:

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Pussy in a kayak? Isn't that kind of redundant, Kurt? Hahaha!!

Wait... kayak is like... a thing, right? No? Canoe?

SQT said...

I like this shunning thing. I'm almost 42. Does that mean I can start shunning dieting? You know, since I'm over the hill and all. I'd like to shun the f*** out of dieting and begin the decent in alcoholism. That sounds like fun.

Jen O. said...

I like reading old people words. It's like a living history lesson or something. I feel so cultured right now.

BugginWord said...

I'm with Steamy. Pussy = kayak. It's been proven. Repeatedly. Probably. Just google "kayak torture."

Brutalism said...

"sometimes the best way to love something is to bruise it" -- if I had a nickel....

SkylersDad said...

Wait until you get my age, you don't even need to hide the ice cream sandwiches (you're right, that sucks balls to type). You just sit down in random spots until you feel the cool wetness spread across your ass cheeks. And then life is complete.

The Jules said...

Having also just (3 weeks ago) joined the realms of people in their forites, I have noted my newly found wisdom allows me to justify a drink in the afternoon, and also to carry about a hipflask for practical reasons, not just to look uber-cool and sofisticated.

Although this could just be the tip of the slippery wedge.

facetiousfirecracker said...

I'm only 25 and I've decided to shun showering. I mean, how redundant. Also, I would totally buy an ICS GPS.

Wow, that was awkward said...

I saw the New Pornographers in Boulder not too long ago. They were great! And I think it is fabulous for you to have said what all the little kids were afraid to yell out loud - that daycare lady is totally a whore!

The Wannabe Housewife said...

"Also, now that I'm 40 I have decided I can begin my slow descent into alcoholism and/or dementia."

Better get on that. You're easily a good 15 years off course. The best alcoholics start early...like twenties. Better drink double fisted to ensure that you get liver working over time!

Christian at Point Counter-Point Point Point said...

What about the time in every man's life when it is no longer acceptable to shout profanity laced threats at the different Muppet characters while watching Sesame Street?

Luckily you still got a few years left on that one.

Ed said...

Shunning can be deadly.

Amy Winehouse shunned alcohol and it killed her.

Alcohol is vindictive is my point.

Miss Yvonne said...

As I was reading your amazing blog comeback, I couldn't help but think "Hmmm, this is great but it's missing something." And then you dropped a Fran Drescher reference and boom! Perfection.

Well done, sir. Well done.

Homemaker Man said...

Kayak Pussy was my nick name in high school. No, wait, that was my mom.

Cait said...

I love the little c circly thing after Chips Ahoy.

And the picture. That may be the best picture I've ever seen.

Trucking Tumbleweed said...

Yeah, it's really awesome to turn 40. It's like wisdom and maturity just slap you upside the head and all of a sudden, BAM, you still laugh at the word uderpants and nothing has changed except young people call you sir. And you're a woman. (well, I am. You're not. Obviously.)

Griya Mobil Kita said...

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Star Kicker said...

"Like bees fucking." This made me happy. Don't shun blog world.

way2aware said...

Lulz @ the midlife crisis. ;)
Lmfao @ the entry... Ya got the gift, for sure.

Fuzzy the Pancake said...

@The Jules said, "Although this could just be the hip replacement of the slippery wedge. "

Gia said...

This post is great. I think you should place coolers all over your house for the ICS. Sure, it takes some of the "surprise" out of hiding them, but maybe if you only put them in SOME of the coolers, it'd still be a magical treasure hunt.

Also, I began my slow descent into alcoholism a few years ago. And I'm 24. Bad?