Monday, April 4, 2011

Being Alive Was The First Thing I Did Wrong Today

Maybe if you got a call from your ex-wife and she asked you to take your daughter to the gynecologist you would be frightened, but we can't ALL be handsome, genius daredevils or else it wouldn't be so very, very special that I was one. So I picked up my daughter from school after an awkward walking in to see if I had to sign anything and then looking around to make sure none of my daughter's friends could see me, because if there is anything more embarrassing to a teenage girl than her dad trying to do anything at all in front of anyone at all, it's pretty much having all her clothes turn transparent while she just gets her period on stage during a school-wide assembly where she is forced to discuss her feelings. But luckily none of her friends saw me talking to people or asking questions so I was safe.

Now at first, maybe you think that going to the gynecologist would be a problematic errand for me, what with me being so virile and all, but I assure you I have no problem with it at all, despite the fact that my daughter looked at me all eye-rolly and was like "This is weird.". The good thing about the gynecologist is I get to go there and disprove the long-standing myth that all men but me have that gynecologists' offices are filled with whores. Either Herpes-riddled STD super-whores or just plain-old knocked-up whores or just can't-get-over-themselves vaginally obsessed regular whores. Well, I don't think that at all. And I was going there to disprove that terrible, terrible, probably not even half-true stereotype, because I am a huge supporter of Women's Lib. So long as "lib." is an abbreviation for "liberally dispensing blowjobs". (*waits for rimshot. looks around. hits frying pan with spatula.*)

Okay, so my daughter's trepidation is growing and she's all anxious looks and stomach holding so I decide to be smart and super-supportive and address her concerns, because if you've ever had a teen daughter you know the very best way to address uncomfortable issues with them is to be direct and loud. That never causes any problems. So I'm all "What? You think I'M afraid of the gynecologist? I'm not! I've been here before! If anything, that gynecologist is afraid of ME!" and she's all "Please stop talking." and I'm all "I should march right in there and pants him for being such a pervert who has to look at vaginas all day to be happy!" and she's all "Oh my God. I'm going to throw up." and I'm all "HOLY SHIT!!! He's probably into kiddie porn too!" and then she started crying so I knew I had reached her. A father's work is never done.

And then we got to the office, and I was quiet and super-behaved because even though I like to play a loud game, embarrassing my already wonderfully high-strung daughter is NOT my idea of a good time, and the only thing that happened was she leaned over while we were waiting and said "Everyone in this waiting room probably thinks you knocked me up and you're some super-gross lecherous pervert." to which I burst out laughing and everyone looked at me and shot me the stink-eye because I guess laughing anywhere devoted to vaginas is illegal or bad form or something, and even the lady with the sweatpants and the giant camel toe was giving me dirty looks and I don't know for sure, but I don't think "If you got it, flaunt it!" applies to the pussy doctor.

So we stopped for breakfast on the way home and sat and talked about her going to college in two years, and my heart broke like it does every time I think about that, but luckily there were plenty of warm muffins and Cafe Mochas to fill in the cracks, and then she said "That wasn't so bad." which as a father, is my longterm goal for her childhood to begin with, so I win.

26 comments:

Wynn said...

You're (probably) an awesome dad!

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

You put the "pap" in pap smear. (builds pillow fort, lives in it for rest of life out of shame from that joke.)

Oilfield Trash said...

Good dad you are!!!

Wow, that was awkward said...

And on the flipside of all women at the gyno office being whores, aren't all male gynos total pervs? I mean, you are a guy in med school and you say, "yeah, I want to be a gyno cuz i know my way around the honey pot?" It just seems like of the more geneder specific professions to me.

Chelle said...

My Dad and I have an understanding which is that there are no such things as genitals.

Caleb said...

I smile every time I think of old guys and teenage girls, filling cracks with warm muffins.

Can't wait till I'm a dad. Or a gynecologist. And, really, what's the difference?

Caleb

Joanne said...

Awww... good daddy. You totally earned that muffin.

Ed said...

Good job, Pops.

She'll never put her feet in stirrups again whithout thinking of your time together.

I had a girl tell me that once.

Although the setting was different.

And we weren't related.

And and she was an equestrian.

Natalie said...

Around the time I turned 12, my relationship with my dad turned into one where we talk about nothing but the weather. That always made me a little sad, until I read this and realized what the alternative was. I have a new appreciation for my distant father-daughter relationship. Thank you.

CatZilla said...

I loved this story, you remided me very much of my own father. I was onced forced to have him buy a box of tampons for me at the wonderous age of 14.

He was all, "No, it's ok!! I don't mind!! See?!?" and waving the box around. Thanks, Dad.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

You know, really your daughter should be thanking you for not offering to hold a flashlight so the pussy doc could get a better view of the netherlands. Kids don't know when they have it good these days...

Jen O. said...

As far as I'm concerned, if my dad even knew I had a vagina, I would die of embarrassment.

Amelia said...

I think this totally qualifies you for the father of the year award. You took her to the 'gine doctor AND you didn't embarass her!! I hope the breakfast included mimosas, I would have needed one.

Suniverse said...

Best. Dad. Ever.

Going to the bajingo doctor is never fun, but can be humorous. And muffins and coffee after? Perfect.

The Holmes said...

The raised volume in the waiting room was the winning touch. Your Father's Day is gonna rule this year.

Kev D. said...

The uncomfortableness of this all makes me think of the Curb Your Enthusiasm when Larry meets this little girl, and the little girl's Mom tells Larry that she is taking her daughter to the doctor because she has a rash on her PUSSY.

So awkward and uncomfortable to watch.

I like the line about "That wasn't so bad."

Man, I can't wait to have kids.

Nicole said...

I takes a special, sensitive man to go to the gyno with his daughter. Or you.

Yvonne said...

What an awesome Dad. Seriously. My dad and I also have the agreement in which I do not have genitals, nor do I have breasts. Basically, I'm that asexual character leaning over in the Maxfield Parrish print "Daybreak", except I'm wearing numerous layers of clothing and 5 pairs of underpants.

gazarehab said...

This is about the only interesting blog I've come across. Thank God for you. I mean it.

erin said...

Everybody's a weiner!

I mean, winner.

I have three daughters, all of them high strung.

Pray for me and my soul.

Miss Yvonne said...

The fact that she made that joke proves you did a great job raising her. It takes true talent to teach a child the value of a pedophile joke.

sorry4disappointingyou said...

Awe being alive today wasn’t so bad, just think you could have been a zombie and had to take her to gyno, zombies don’t care about sweat pant wearing camel toe flaunting people when there’s brains involved. Now that would have been embarrassing!

Cait said...

Getting a flashback to the day my dad asked me if I needed a papsmear. :(

A Vapid Blonde said...

Camel toes have feelings too you know. Deep, full, flappy feelings that need to be expressed.

Kelly said...

How have I not been to your blog before?

You are The Bloggess with a penis and I think I love you.

Your writing is great. I will be back.

Gia said...

"because I am a huge supporter of Women's Lib. So long as "lib." is an abbreviation for "liberally dispensing blowjobs". (*waits for rimshot. looks around. hits frying pan with spatula.*)"

Snort. I need to show my inappropriately aged Boyfriend this blog.