Monday, March 14, 2011

Actual Train of Thought. Woo Woo!

When I renamed this I called it "Rock Paper Weiner".
(*checks front door for award presenters*)

I woke up this morning wondering what this year's Sex Sunday sermon would be about, now that Lent is upon us and we are supposed to be celebrating the head of our faith being executed in the desert a billion years ago or whatever.

And my first thought was maybe they would do dildos and vibrators this year, because those are pretty classy and tame and not likely to upset the delicate sensibilities of some of the older church members. (I totally just said "members" "cocks") I mean as long as they don't talk about the Kong Dong or Mama's Thrilling Pony Ride (made that up...I should be in marketing probably. and by "probably" I mean "definitely") I think it could be okay. They would want to steer away from the DP stuff and probably assplay in general, but I think a fairly reasonable and articulate priest could do a nice job with that. You know. Like that young cool lady priest who wears her robe super tight, with the red, red lipstick and the librarian glasses? She'd do an awesome job I bet.

Down in front, Moral Majority Kitty!

And then I was thinking that maybe that wouldn't be such a good topic because unless my memory serves me incorrectly I think the Catholic Church is still up in the air on where it falls on the topic of masturbation. I distinctly remember a Monty Python song about the subject maybe. So if not dildos and vibrators what WOULD the Sex Sunday sermon be about. And besides, most of the sexy strippers I go to church with would probably get a little worked up thinking about all this stuff and then want to have interesting 30-ways with me right there in the cloisters* and I'm definitely sure the church has some kind of stance on THAT.

And then I remembered that I was dreaming that whole thing and there wasn't any such thing and also that maybe going to bed stuffed full of cheesy garlic knots and porn wasn't such a very good plan after all.

Moral: Sexy dreams about church are totally normal and not indicative of any weird buried feelings that involve shame and sex and that one time when you maybe punched out a hooker and ran away without paying, because "the sky is the limit" isn't necessarily completely true.

Double Moral: If Jesus had been cooler and talked about how awesome sex toys are, he would probably still be alive today and in charge of the swingin'-est, sexiest, richest organization in the whole world** instead of dying for our sins***. I really wish I had a time machine. But that has nothing to do with this.

Triple Moral: I wish I had a time machine.

*Bitches be horny, yo.
** He is currently head only of the richest, which is still pretty good.
*** This isn't technically blasphemy, because I said "If" first. That makes it a theory. And therefore science. Which Jesus was all about. Amen.


Jen O. said...

Right up until the very end I was totally buying Sex Sunday as a real thing. It's not, though, eh? Huh. You really had me going there for a while.

nova said...

I've been involved in interesting 30-ways before. It's not pretty.

Oh wait, yes it is.

Oilfield Trash said...

This post was awesome. In more ways that one.

Mrs. Bitch said...

My OCD or ADD or schizophrenia or something is getting the best of me here... what the HELL is that chick sniffing on her hand?

Miss Yvonne said...

Ugh, moral majority kitty. That bitch is always sticking her nose where it doesn't belong.

Kurt said...

@Jen O.: I know, right? It totally sounds like a thing. If they can have an Ash Wednesday, why not an Ass Sunday. (*rimshot*)

@nova: I'm usually content with a one-way. Or another.

@Oilfield Trash: It's just the one way I was going for. Which additional ways are you referring to?

@Mrs. Bitch: That is a good question. I'm going to go ahead and guess "ether". I like to picture all my ladies with an ether-soaked rag up to their faces. Adds a level of realism to my fantasies.

@Miss Y: Stupid prudish kitty. She should be like your Mom who only sticks her FINGERS where they don't belong.

Phillipia said...

You said if....I love it...this is a great post; I would link to it from my Facebook page, but a lot of my friends are still really catholic, or at least semi-religious enough to be deeply offended,if you know what I, sorry...

Kev D. said...

I'm trying to understand Phillipia's reply. If this post would offend her friends, how will they feel about her profile pic as a fruit balancing winking nun?

Confusing, to say the least.

Anyways, Jesus was a shitty scientist, because he didn't want to share his resurrection formula with his pals. What a dick.

The only science he practiced was the science of greed. Or greedematics, as it is known in the business... of science.

Phillipia said...

@Kev D. Not all of my facebook friends are followers of my blog...and I do try to keep my blog somewhat family friendly The pics would blow that away)....I enjoyed the post, but I guess I should learn when to keep my comments to myself...

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

When I have to say to you, "Kurt, I think your nun is showing too much areola," you know it's a good post.

Mmm cloisters. *80's Cherry Pie hair flip*

Caleb said...

There's no way that nature didn't know it was making a rock look JUST like a wiener. No way.

Upon this premise I build the argument that nature is definitely a perv. Like, if nature drove a van it would offer free candy to all the kids in town.

And the candy would probably by acorns and leaves and berries and shit, cuz nature didn't make anything cool until we came along.

Processed foods! *high five*


PS that's a lot of morals.

84829942-3a88-11e0-83da-000bcdcb5194 said...

Why American men should boycott American women

I am an American man, and I have decided to boycott American women. In a nutshell, American women are the most likely to cheat on you, to divorce you, to get fat, to steal half of your money in the divorce courts, don’t know how to cook or clean, don’t want to have children, etc. Therefore, what intelligent man would want to get involved with American women?

American women are generally immature, selfish, extremely arrogant and self-centered, mentally unstable, irresponsible, and highly unchaste. The behavior of most American women is utterly disgusting, to say the least.

This blog is my attempt to explain why I feel American women are inferior to foreign women (non-American women), and why American men should boycott American women, and date/marry only foreign (non-American) women.


Suniverse said...

Since the previous commenter wants to boycott American women [who doesn't, am I right?], I'm going to think that maybe Sex Sunday Sermons *should* be a real thing, garlic knots or no.

Also, I though assplay was condoned by pro-abstinence groups because, you know, it's not REALLY sex.

Cait said...

Actually, Jesus is alive! And he's running a sex shop with Tupac and Elvis down in Jamaica. They specialize in the "taint torpedo" which is only legal in Jamaica.

Caleb said...

"Taint Torpedo"


Look out, "Vaginal Energy," we have a new word of the day!

Sarah P said...

My raging lady boner is poking a hole in my Sunday panties over here.

This post has everything: Jesus, strippers, Moral Majority Kitty. Etcetera. Etcetera.

The Holmes said...

Bitches be horny, yo. Oh wait, you said that. Carry on.