Wednesday, February 23, 2011

An Open Letter To An A-Hole Kitten

Dear New Kitten,

Look asshole. Let's get a couple of things straight. You are the new thing living in my home and I believe very firmly in a "last in, first out" policy when it comes to killing members of my family, and I'm totally not buying the adorable running around and batting playfully at things bit, so just knock it off. You won't make any friends that way, douchebag. You want to endear yourself to me? Make me a couple of goddamn Pop-Tarts©. Oh. I see. Instead you'll just dart playfully between my legs and try to eat my hair while I nap. That's totally just as good. No really.

It's bad enough that you are chipping away ever so subtly at the crumbling facade that is my masculinity, but do you have to lay on your back in my lap with your paws tucked in all fetal-like? Seriously. What if some bikini supermodel shows up at my house crying because I made her pregnant by looking at her? What then? You are totally cramping my style. I tried to buy a pet wolverine instead, but the guy at the pet store said that was illegal and was stuck-up when I tried to bribe him, because apparently 3 melty Kit-Kat bars and an unused Trojan© from 1997 isn't worth what it used to be, and whatever it IS worth is markedly less than what you can get for a black market mustelid*. So I'm stuck with you. Asshole. Don't even do a giant kitty yawn and start purring. I haven't got time for this shit.


Also, cuddling with my children is not the way to my heart, it's the way to a food processor filled with tuna fish left conveniently on the floor while I hide nearby with a stick to press the "frappe" button. You know why? Because when these rotten kids are happy, then when they stop being that way they notice, and then they complain, and you know what's more annoying than a kid mewling miserably about how tough their life is? Getting a rash on your balls from shaving them too close with a Lady Bic© you found in the garbage at work that is half-rusty and maybe has blood on the handle and visible nicks in the blade.**. Other than that, nothing.

You also aren't making any friends by finding adorable places to play like on a stack of books or behind the bass guitar so that when you lean out to peek it looks like you are rocking out to Smoke On The Water or Paranoid or something. That's just ridiculous. You are just a kitten. You lack the dexterity, reach and arm strength necessary to effectively produce ONE clean note on a bass, never mind being able to supply the appropriate groove necessary to properly supply your fellow musicians with a solid rhythm to layer over. Fucking poser. How bout we go for a swim in the toilet. You first.

And HAHAHAHAHA! That's a great idea! Leaping out at me and scratching the shit out of my ankles while I get up in the middle of the night to pee in the pitch black hallway after I just had a dream about Eric Estrada in drag who drops his panties and has a potato peeler where her wang should be. My point is I'm already confused on several levels and the last thing I need is things leaping out at me. I need things that are pretty ladies who instead of leaping out at me, kiss my earlobe and maybe press themselves provocatively against my junk in what they try to pretend is a friendship way, but when it isn't they totally don't freak out and start to cry and say they don't think of me that way because, kitten. This boner ain't big enough for two of us.***

Shape up or ship out, cat. You've been put on notice. (*does that Meet The Parents, Two-fingers pointing at eyes and then at the kitten, and then realizes I am unintentionally referencing Meet the Parents, and puts hand down too quick and bangs knuckles on coffee table*)

This is just uncalled for.

Hugs Not Drugs,

*The Family Mustalidae is distinguished by all members of the weasel, ermine, stoat, badger, polecat and wolverine genuses. I bet you all read that as "geniuses" like I did and then imagined a polecat with horned rimmed glasses jotting Star Trek puns in the margins of his notebook during his Modern Physics lecture instead of paying attention. Wake Up, Polecat! You only have one chance at education! HAAHHAHAHAHAHAAHA! (*chugs more Robitussin©*)

**I'm only guessing this is annoying because IF I tried this, I nicked Righty on my first sweep and then passed out for an hour when I saw the blood. I don't know how many times YOU'VE woken up in a pool of testicle blood with a gross razor in one hand and a Sharpie© in the other but trust me...the third time is the worst after the sixth.

***This sentence is so confusing that I find myself alternating between laughter and tears when I read it. So it's a lot like my real sex life on many levels.


SQT said...

You know, if you lived with me I'd have to kick you out because no one gets to be that damn funny in my house.

Next thing you know, people are thinking we're supposed to be having fun or something. Can't have that.

Kage said...

all right, dude, calm down. calm down.

all pussy is difficult to control in the beginning, man! they all think they can "think for themselves", or "speak whenever they want to", or completely drain you of your cuteness rations, leaving you dehydrated and emaciated on the bathroom floor.

but in the end, i think we all know what's gonna tame that pussy, don't we?

that's right, son! that's right, you know it.

other. pussy.

just throw another cat in with the first cat and tell them both to shut the fuck up, or you're getting a dog.


kage beckons
veterinary assistant extraordinaire + pussy whisperer

Wynn said...

You are indeed a very special man. And why is everyone getting kittens here and there when I CAN'T HAVE ONE MYSELF?!

I hope it works out with that razor now, getting some untreatable desease via your balls is way less respectable than so many other ways, dude.

nova said...

"a pool of testicle blood"

That is all.

Mandy's Kidding said...

Your lamp is dusty. Teach that kitten to use a Swiffer® for chrissakes.

SarcasmInAction said...

THAT cat? Your cat? Freakin adorable.
Even when clawing its way up your leg with its tiny little dagger claws... it has to be cute as hell.
I want a kitten!

Kev D. said...

My cat's a little over two and still hunts me and leaps at me in the night when I get up to pee. the only difference is that now he is fully grown, so it hurts more.

Then later, he tries to get all cuddly in the bed. Homey don't play that... so I usually throw him out the window.

But he always comes back.

If I learned anything from Fred Penner, and i HAVE, it's that the cat will come back, the very next day, the cat came back, we thought he was a goner, but the cat came back, he just wouldn't stay away...

Fred Penner is the Canadian Raffi, for anyone who is unaware.

Mark Price said...

Do you think I could borrow that razor?

Megs said...

I think you are missing the panty-melting value of strong handsome men cuddling with kittens. Seriously, the pregnant supermodel would totally want you to impregnate her again if she walked in on that cuddling scenario.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Have you ever tried Nair for Testicles? I'll tell you a little secret: Women find it so erotic when a man has one of his hairless testicles hanging out the sagging waistband of his pajamas. A little preview of the magic to come. Try it. She won't be disappointed. Yes, I'm talking about your kitty. *kitty-kit paws, bats around a testicle*

way2aware said...

Please, get help soon

Sarah P said...

Wolverines just look like rabies.

That Baldy Fella said...

That's ridiculous. Everyone knows kittens would be drummers rather than bass players.

Shani said...

Yeah, them damn cats are no good. My little angel has the ability to somehow trash my entire room and knock over all my dusty lamps while I'm busy blinking.

That, and he always sticks his face, fresh from an ass-licking, into my drinks when my back is turned.

Damn cats.

BugginWord said...

You have to start training that cat to let you put it's head in your mouth NOW. Before it's too late. I know. *remembers the Helsinki Incident wistfully and sighs* I should know.

Beta Dad said...

Ugh. Stupid kittens. They're worse than babies.

Jules said...

Seriously. How are you supposed to use your dictionary with that stupid kitten all over it?

Get rid of the thing.

The kids will recover.

zanna said...

after ten years, i still threaten one of my cats with the blender. so.

(also...i DID read that as "geniuses"!)

Miss Yvonne said...

You remind me of my husband, who keeps telling me he hates my cat and then I catch him holding her like a baby and whispering "who's the wittle pwincess?" to her.

Caleb said...

Holy bear testicle shit!

LIVE pictures of cats flying through the air! Epic success!

So, you trying to challenge me in the cat put? Bring it.

dragonfarts said...

Is that 'Memoirs of a Geisha'?