Wednesday, February 2, 2011

I Didn't Have Time to Find Any Pictures. Shut Up.

There are a lot of people in this world who think that they are special and I would be the first to point out that I am one of them. I would also be the first to point out that I am right, and then I would be the first to point out that I have roguishly handsome good looks, and then I would be the first to point at my junk and make a couple pelvic thrusts and clear my throat and wink so much that the other people at the pharmacy think I'm having an attack of some kind instead of trying to make time with the hot lady behind the counter who will definitely be okay dating me even though she knows what kind of anti-psychotics I am picking up, because if nothing else, she is a consummate professional with nice cans.

One thing that those other, incorrect people think they are special about, is where they live, and I don't mean like "in a mansion" or "not in a dumpster" because hobos are in a whole different conversation about being special. What I mean, is the weather. The mother-effing weather. People seem to be convinced that living in a place where there is lots of snow in the winter, somehow entitles them to the right to bitch about that snow even though they could totally move at anytime unless they are a sexual predator or under house arrest because of some silly mixup where exposing yourself to a lady at the grocery store who was totally eye-sexing you while she seductively fondled a carrot is a crime now, apparently. That's what the old timers used to be called an "advanced dating technique" according to the history books. Although to be fair we just call those "rape" now, for the most part. But I digress... Complaining about the snow when you live in the snow belt is like going to the dead hooker pile and complaining because the one you picked is missing a leg. I think we've all been there.

I've seen a map of the world before. There are all kinds of places to live in the middle parts where you don't have to deal with cold weather at all. And maybe you are thinking about all the different ethnicities living around the world at the equator and trying to decided the tactful way to say something racist, well don't even bother. I'm totally on to you. Not every Australian is the descendant of a criminal. Just most. Also aborigines. There's about 4 of them left, I think. Wait. According to my calculations Australia isn't even on the equator. Jeesh! Get your racist facts straight, David Duke.

And the other thing is...wait. I think I've complained about this before and besides it's a pretty boring read. I guess the real question is if you've ever eaten too much Chinese food and then every time you tried to burp up some room, you get a little bit of rice back. Because I have and that is gross.

I am so totally special, it's ridiculous.

I give up on this post. Here's dogs playing poker:


21 comments:

Miss Yvonne said...

I like how you made your point clearly and succinctly and then concluded with dogs playing poker. You totally got an A in high school debate class, didn't you?

Moooooog35 said...

I will continue to bitch about snow because if I move I'll just be bitching about the heat so pick your poison because there's only so many ways I can say 'it's extra sunny today' before it sounds redundant.

Kev D. said...

Burping up Chinese food is awesome. You get to taste it twice, or save it for later.

Also, man, what's with all this fucking snow?

Jen O. said...

I live in CANADA and people complain about the snow. And then I'm all "Have you never HEARD any of the igloo jokes? They're not that far off base, people. CATCH UP."

But then again, these are the same people who marvel at it getting dark earlier right around the end of December...

Eric said...

I fell in love (can barely type the words now without throwing up rice from LAST WEEK) with a 19-year-old and got her pregnant and she convinced me to move to Minnesota. She grew icicle wings and turned out to be a snow harpy from frozen hell. Now we're getting divorced. Then I met a beautiful new lady and we keep each other warm.

BugginWord said...

You can't stop me from bitching. It's my gift to the world. That and Herpes. Don't take away my gifts. Unless you can take away Herpes. That would be awesome.

nova said...

I want whatever Eric's on.

Vinny C said...

Speaking as someone living close to the equator, I can verify Moooooog's statement. There have been days SO hot here I've had to pull the shelves out of the fridge & crawl in. With Mother Nature, it's lose-lose, really.

A Vapid Blonde said...

Most people could move. Unless you are tethered to you work desk by your 64 year old Mother In Law/Boss who mocks you from the High Desert in California on a skype video call while smoking pot and dancing naked with the Cacti.

Some of us are allowed to complain.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

*still dancing Charleston with finger waggling in the air because she hasn't realized the dog video music has ended*

Oh. Oh, ehem. I was just... well this is embarrassing.

Cait said...

You know what's even more annoying? People who gloat over how warm it is where they are.I just spent thirty minutes scraping the ice from my car with a cd case, I don't want to hear about how warm Florida is. Yeah, it's warm-it's the nation's dick. So take that!

Jules said...

I'm pretty sure Freddie is stealing chips.

Amelia said...

I hate it how people bitch all summer about how hot it is. It's the same hotness it was last year, what the hell did you expect?!

Sarah P said...

I hate it when they're missing legs. But, at least the pussy is cold and dry, am I right or am I right?

Helena said...

Australia's so big that at one motherfucking end you could freeze the balls off a snow man and at the other it's like living in a fucking sauna. But no one has the balls to complain about any of this at the moment since it's Febuary and this year's already seen fires, flood, drought and now a cyclone. Your pussy weather complaints have nothing on ours right now mate!

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

You can't stop me.

You can't.

Megs said...

I live in a place where we rarely get snow, so I feel perfectly free to bitch about it when we get it.

Also, I would just like to note, there is nothing better than a competent professional with nice cans.

Chelle said...

I want to be the person who got to put that cigar in that dog's mouth and light it.

So badly.

Eric said...

The exact moment the youngest child leaves home for college we are getting the fuck out of here. I mean I will be FOLLOWING HER OUT THE DOOR WITH OUR SHIT PACKED. (Sobbing like a baby I'm sure, but still. Or, hobbling on my fucking walker because it's at least 15 years from now). Kids! Can't live with em, can't send em to work camps.

ethelwebb said...

Way to slip the PSA in there at the end.

And as someone who lives in Florida, you get people complaining about weather wherever you go. Live up north, complain about snow; live in Florida, complain about rain, heat, hurricanes, old people, angry New Yorkers, tourists....

Caleb said...

Snow, sir, is not the culprit. It's the gray skies that persist for months like a "cold sore" that tells blistex it can suck a fat one.

That kind of gray IS bitch-worthy, and the price for living in not-gray-land is the enduring hatred of those of us in hell.

So suck it, warm person.

Caleb