Monday, January 24, 2011

The Only Nickel Offense I Know is Your Mom's Price For Fellatio

HAHAHAHAHA! Cats don't wear helmets! Classic.

I'm a fan of football in the same way as I am a fan of porn with fisting in it. I know it's out there and given the opportunity, I'll watch it. Oh believe me....I'll watch it. But it just doesn't grab my attention the way it "supposed to" according to the guys who used to give me swirlies in the bathroom in Jr. High but are now bald and fat and drink too much at the reunion and end up slow dancing with that one girl who looks like she spent the last twenty years with an overweight cat sitting on her face the whole time, which may sound like an interesting skin treatment to some, but I just mean her face looks like it's been permanently imprinted with cat asshole.

But back to football... (*chants "Football! Pussy! Beer!". Does victory dance. Trips over Nintendo 64 cables*)

The Pittsburgh Steelers are my favorite team, which to me is roughly as important as someone being my favorite fireman, or my favorite extortion technique. I keep them as such because when you have a penis and someone asks "Who's your favorite team? (*shoulder punch*)" it is advisable to have an answer better than " Team Rocket from Pokemon?". Instead, I can say "Fuckin' Steelers!! Woooo!" and that is generally accepted as a good answer. (I don't mean the "Wooo!" part really.) If I was being honest I would say "The Pittsburgh Steelers, if they are still playing football this year, because I'm really not sure as I haven't had time to watch any games this season because between the napping and the "Truth or Dare" tournament my Dark Elf Wizard does in World of Warcraft© every weekend*, my Sundays are pretty full."

Huddle up, Fellas!

Why the Steelers, you might ask? Well, mind your own business. I maybe don't want you to know they've been my favorite team since 1977 when I watched them win the Superbowl with my Dad, because I want you to think of me as "flat stomach, 6-pack abs" sexy not "silver fox" sexy. It may not seem like an important distinction, but one gets anonymous bjs in the bathroom at sports bars and one gets possible prostate issues and maybe has to take Viagra© sometimes if the lady isn't trying hard enough to be sexy. C'mon ladies! You gotta pay to get into the big show!***

So now The Steelers are in the Super Bowl again, and this is super-inconvenient for me because now I have to pretend extra hard and normally I only like to do that when I have to have sex with your mom, because unlike pretending a lady with an eye-patch and a lisp because of all the missing teeth is a beautiful nymphomaniac spy trying to sleep state secrets out of me, pretending I know what the hell is going on with the Steelers is a lot of work. I have to learn names and stats and the names of plays, just because for the next two weeks every man I know is going to try and talk to me about them. For example, JUST THIS MORNING, I had this conversation:

Work Guy: How 'bout them Steelers, huh?
Me: Fuckin' Steelers!!! Woooo!
WG: Man, they were on fire for the first half!
Me: Yeah! They were awesome! Fuck Yeah! (*feels forehead beginning to sweat*)
WG: That was some (*football term*) that (*football player*) had in the 1st quarter!
Me: I know right? That was crazy. (*feels foot tapping. Can't stop it*)
WG: What's the name of your (*football position*)? He was amazing last night!
Me: Um... B (*starts making a "b" sound because I could have sworn there was a guy whose name started with "b" out there somewhere. Throws up in mouth*)
WG: Isaac Redman! Yeah! He was like (*performs football move*) and (*explosion sound effect*)
Me: I know, right? And then it was all (*duck noise*) and (*pirouette*)!
WG: ...
Me: And then it was like (*flaps arms*) and (*makes "woot woot" noise*)!
WG: Dude. What are you even talking about?
Me: Hey! Where did you get that bagel? (fat guys always fall for food diversions)
WG: Huh? Oh! They're in the breakroom. They have 3 different kinds of cream cheese!

Now I can TALK cream cheese all fucking day.

Kurt: 1, WG: 0

* Not EVERY weekend! Amiright, Klickspar? HAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!**

** Made up World of Warcraft© inside joke with non-existent World of Warcraft© friend.

*** "The Big Show" is what I call feeding my cat every morning.


BugginWord said...

I watched football yesterday too. Sadly the Cubs lost. But I liked when the fat guy with the white jersey did a little Shakira dance. See? There were pirouettes!

Venom said...

I 'watch' football with my man; it is the only sport (aside from equestrian) that I semi-understand/semi-like.

We even participate in a betting pool - he likes my 'system', which is pretty complicated. I can't explain it to you because it's a good system for a girl, but if you told people you used my system it would more than likely get you beaten up. I have a better win average than a lot of guys do though.

Sarah P said...

I love N64. Especially Zelda. And I was in the store one day and saw a kid wearing an I <3 Zelda shirt, and I almost sat him down and told him that, yes, one day he will have sex, but it will just be that one time, and then he'll spend ten years alone.

Moooooog35 said...

It's only an eye patch if you look at it from the outside.

I really thought the 'island' analogy would work there.

It did not.

Kev D. said...

“Who was the M.V.P. in the nineteen swibble-dee-swoo Stanley Cup finals?”
“Pfff... That’s easy, it was Art Farnswilly.”
“Oh no, I’m sorry, but the correct response was ‘who gives a shit’.”

Taken from:

Oilfield Trash said...

New follower here.

I am from Pittsburgh and also love the Steelers.

Megs said...

I like college football, but not so much professional. Considering the most I know about it is that they are all apparently rapists or animal abusers or just plain assholes or Brett Favre.

Mandy's Kidding said...

What are the chances of you finding a picture of a kitty in a football helmet with Steelers colors?

Or is there some sort of subcult of football kitteh helmet collectors that I don't want to know about...

ApparentlyatotalB said...

Yes, I agree. Watching football is just like watching porn with fisting in it. :P

Brutalism said...

I'm so happy to hear that someone else has a favorite extortion technique. I feel less alone.

Vic said...

Is 'melon' really one of the Steeler's colors?

I like how football players wear those cute little knicker pants.

I like you even better now.

Brandy Rose said...

I only know what my brother decides to share with (unwilling to care) me. He's a packers fan, and I believe they're in the Superbowl now as well...

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

The only sure fire way to get someone to never talk to you about sports again is when they come up and say something like "How bout them Steelers?" just stand there, frozen in place, and give them a blank stoic stare while you piss your pants. Don't move a inch or look away for about 20 minutes. Trust me on this. I sailed through 6th grade using this move.

Miss Yvonne said...

Those fat work guys are always trying to out football-talk me. But all I have to do is saying something like "blah blah blah Aaron Rodgers blah blah Brett Favre blah blah 3rd down conversions" and then bend over and let my cleavage hang out of my shirt. Boom. They can't remember anything about football. I win.

Chelle said...

Ha! If only those sports enthusiasts could read. They'd know we blog about them behind their backs on the internet. *snicker*.

I saw a hockey once. They serve giant beer there.

mattposky said...

This was a great post. I laughed so hard that piss almost came out of me.

Just kidding, it totally came out of me and I wasn't even that ashamed.

Philip said...

Great post. I've been there.

Lazarus said...

Found you through Miss Yvonne down in Texas. Very funny stuff!