Monday, January 17, 2011

Before You Ask, Yes This Is What I've Come Up With After Not Posting In Forever

So things have finally settled down a little bit for me and I can take a break from all the time I've been spending trying to perfect my Hans Gruber from Die Hard impression ("What is it that you say? Yippee Ki-yay-muttafuck.") to write some stuff that will undoubtably tickle your funnybone and touch your heart, or tickle your boner bone and touch your junk, or tickle your "I don't care." bone and touch your hand softly and say "Please keep reading. I know it's laborious. But he's trying REALLY hard."

"Mr. McLane. Are you going to eat ALL those Pop-Tarts©?"

And so I sat down to write and I couldn't think of anything so I decided to meditate a little, and the best way to do that I've found is to crawl back into bed and pull the covers up tight and imagine how cool it would be to be Spider-man only invisible, because think of all the creepy stalker things you could do that no one ever talks about wanting to do, but everybody seriously thinks about it all the time, I'm sure. Feel free to judge because maybe you've seen enough of my fat lady neighbor naked, but I haven't*. Maybe some people don't think of that as meditating but on the other hand, I totally needed that nap after only getting 10 hours of sleep the night before.

And then I decided that while napping is usually the best solution to every problem, it may not help me think of anything to write about because writing about dreams is not quite as interesting as writing about your cat's swollen lymph nodes or infected anal glands. (Which is totally interesting if that's your thing, by the way. No, really.) And besides, a dream is a wish your heart makes and if you tell everyone how you seem to be wishing for a lot of softcore fellatio lately, then those dreams won't come true. (*hums Cinderella song. glances at hand lotion*)

So finally here I am, sitting at the computer, resolve strengthened to NOT write a post about my trip to Universal Studios Orlando that starts out "My first thought as I entered The Wizarding World of Harry Potter was that there must be an awful lot of neglected cats across America right now." and I've also promised myself I won't slap together another long self-indulgent post about my pretend writing process that is self-referential at the end and caps the whole thing off with mindless profanity and yet another kitty Photoshop that I am the only one who ever finds funny.


People from all cultures enjoy Harry Potter, turns out.

* Just like 10 times. I'm totally being deprived just because she finally figured out the whole "Lit room, no curtains at night" thing. Jeez lady! I'm paying rent (sort of) for a reason you know!


boycottamericanwomen said...

Why American men should boycott American women

I am an American man, and I have decided to boycott American women. In a nutshell, American women are the most likely to cheat on you, to divorce you, to get fat, to steal half of your money in the divorce courts, don't know how to cook or clean, don't want to have children, etc. Therefore, what intelligent man would want to get involved with American women?

American women are generally immature, selfish, extremely arrogant and self-centered, mentally unstable, irresponsible, and highly unchaste. The behavior of most American women is utterly disgusting, to say the least.

This blog is my attempt to explain why I feel American women are inferior to foreign women (non-American women), and why American men should boycott American women, and date/marry only foreign (non-American) women.


Homemaker Man said...

I forgot what your post said after I read that first comment.

I'm sending my American Wife to live in The Village of Harry Potter's Cats. Then I'm picking myself up a foreigner. Maybe a Californian.

unmitigated me said...

I'm feeling a little left out because the Boycott American Women dude didn't hit my blog.

BugginWord said...

Um, I would never sleep with an american woman either. Twice. Or your naked neighbor. That apparently you should boycott. With anal glands.

Note to self: caffeine before commenting.

Moooooog35 said...

All I know is that I'm totally boycotting American women after this.

Brandy Rose said...

Mr. Mclane, I like what you did there, with the kitties, and that picture. Yep. Also, its funny how we commenters react when YOU get spammed.

Mrs. Bitch said...

Inquiring minds want to know: Did your neighbor lady buy curtains or is she just scuttling around naked in the dark, glancing nervously at the window?

I'm renouncing my citizenship and moving to Canada so I can get me some boycottamericanwomen action.
Love, Lorena

Nicole said...

I'm worried about the Boycott of American Women. Good thing I was born in Florida (part of Cuba, of course).

When I go to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter, I'm bringing my cats. In kitty strollers.

Kev D. said...

Boycott whaaaaa????


I usually draw inspiration from pooping, as I have discussed so many times.

I'd love to hear you say:
"The Glass! Shoot the Glass!"

Personally, that's my favorite line.

Vic said...

So, with soft-core fellatio, is it the lighting that makes the difference? Like hard-core is under fluorescent lights, and fairy lights make it soft? So to speak?

There's so much to know, Kurt. So much to know.

Like, "my barn needs" is totally a euphemism, but "litter of piglets" is just a litter of piglets. In American anyway.

Please never stop the Kitty Photoshop.

Jessy said...

This is the first time that readsing the comments has paid off. I'm going to have to say that the comments made me laugh harder than the post did!

Megs said...

It's a good thing I already trapped a man into being my personal slav-husband! I mean, husband.

Otherwise this boycott thing would concern me.

I second Vic- what IS the difference between soft core and hard core fellatio? I wouldn't think you would want the word "soft" anywhere near your fellation, personally. Men are really sensitive about that.

Miss Yvonne said...

I think that first comment deserves a vicious kitty photoshop response, Kurt. Get on that.

Love always,

Fat American Woman

Misfits Vintage said...

I am not an American woman and I would like to thank you for recognising my awesomeness!

Finally, someone is telling the world how not-fat, non-money-taking-in-divorce and non-cheating I am. THANK YOU. In fact, I am SO non-American-woman that I didn't even bother showing up for my divorce, so my awesome, cheating, morbidly obese husband could take all of our money to his internet girlfriend/s and share his awesome genital herpes with them instead. It was worth the $$$ and is further evidence of my awesomeness!

Do I get some sort of award? Do you want to send me cash? Shoes? A trophy? A new car? Please no kittens in the mail, that's just cruel.

Non-American-Woman-And-Proud xxx

erin said...

Ahhh! I can't concentrate on that oh so excellent post with comments like these under them.

I've decided I'm neither clever nor tongue in cheek enough to come up with a proper response to any of the comments above. I'm SO looking forward to your rebuttal. (I said 'butt')

Kurt said...

@boycottamericanwomen: You sir, are a genius, and I will be sending you some correspondence directly. Look for the post tomorrow!

@Homemaker Man: Watch the Californians, some of them emmigrated.

@unmitigated me: Maybe we can figure out a way to send someone over to completely derail a post for you too!

@BugginWord: Caffiene is lubricant on which the Internet runs. Plus you said "anal glands" which is always a clue for top notch comments.

@Moooooog: I know, right? The dude is a genius. I think the only thing he spelled right on his whole blog was "cunt flaps"

@Brandy: Yeah. Emeffer totally hijacked my blog. As a punishment,I'm going to hold a delicious Pop-Tart© hostage in my belly.

@Mrs. Bitch: I don't know what the hell is going on over there. It's all thumps and buckets being kicked over and cat howls. It's dark over there. So dark.

@Kevin: I also like his slack-jawed American impression: "Clay. Bill Clay.."

@Vic: Softcore fellatio has candles and I'm not saying they are Cherry Pie Sensation© candles from Bed,Bath,and Beyond...but I'm not not saying that either.

@Jessy: It's a scientific fact that i have the best comments on the Internet. FACT.

@Megs: I am comfortable enough in my boner masculinity to use the word "soft". I am not, however comfortable with the word "Baaaa!" or muffled cries from the trunk regardless of what you have heard.

@Miss Y: Prepare yourself for the kitty photoshop heard round the world.

@Misfits Vintage: I have a can of tuna and 3 old Funions you can have. He took all my money too. Bastard.

@erin: The post really was excellent. You make a very good point.

HeatherA said...

@boycott: a boycott just seems so empty and inconsequential when you're of absolutely no interest whatsoever to the boycottee. That makes me sad for you. Maybe you should consider exploring a new hobby. Spelunking, perhaps? Or auto-asphyxiation. I hear that's fun. I'd recommend something that requires minimal human interaction, though. Try to set yourself up to win, k? Hugs!!

Jules said...

I'm boycotting American women and taking a nap. Whew. Glad I stopped by....

Jen O. said...

I was TOTALLY disappointed to learn that butter beer was neither buttery, nor beer. I had my heart set on riding the HULK blindingly drunk.

You've Got to Be Kidding Me said...

Dammit! I erased my Boycott American Women comment this morning! I didn't know it would be the new Prada Bag of blog comments.

SQT said...

Yep-- deleted the Boycott American Women post too... I didn't know I was part of the "in" crowd by having one of those.

You've Got to Be Kidding Me said...

Always an American bridesmaid and never an American bride.

Sarah P said...

You really need to change your blog name to LOL Kurtz and get an address that's like icanhasrapesex?

Hailey said...

Can't Spiderman already get invisible?

Eric said...

I totally agree with your comment, boycottamericanwomen, but I have this problem: MAIL ORDER BRIDES ALWAYS ARRIVE DAMAGED because the shipping standards in foreign countries are just not the same as they are here. Last one I got arrived with no hands. She could barely grip a toilet brush! So I killed her.

Trbobitch said...

American men, please do boycott American women, especially if you're anything like the guy suggesting that you do so. We're tired of making all the money, cleaning the house and popping out kids so you can sit around and play MMORPGs and decide whether or not you're going to go to work or depend on your American wife's hard earned paycheck to pay for your latest endeavor (which just happens to be buying ridiculously expensive tiny men and trees in a hobby shop to make an epic Civil War battle scene in the basement which you will never finish, just like the platemail armor that ended up being a giant bracelet that got your kid suspended from 3rd grade). And, no, it's not a good idea to keep your income at poverty level so you can sue for spousal support when your cuntish American wife finally gets sick of your bullshit - the judge will laugh at you and tell you to get a real job, son.

We'd much rather be screwing the Filipino pool boy anyway, I mean, withOUT having to do it behind your back. Oh, and we're not unchaste, we just don't like having sex with you because, hate to break it to you, 5 minutes of fake moaning (while really thinking "is it even in yet??") is more trouble than it's worth to have to shower off the smell of duck butter and 3 day old Old Spice pits.

(the never bitter) Trbobitch