Hi Bro! I wanted to start this letter off super-casual and friendly, because that's how I roll, yo. And even though when I sent you that last thank you email after you gave me my interview, I made a hysterical "your mom" joke, I think it's okay because we are such good buddies. See how I called you "bro" a few sentences ago? We ARE tight. Trust me on this one, Dog. It's totally acceptable to have such a fun-loving relationship with your future boss. In fact, I just read a huge article on the benefits of fraternization in Forbes or Inc. Or Hustler or something. You are totally cutting edge, Man. Like so cutting edge, Japanese school girls would use you on their wrists to symbolize their inner turmoil about being so hot or their periods or whatever.
ACTUAL "Thank You for this interview, Yes I can kiss ass" email I sent to him.
I also totally appreciate you not freaking out and punching a hole in my face when you showed me that soccer picture and I was all "oh yeah! I wish I could get me some of that!" because obviously your daughter's breasts came in super-early and there's no good way to tell she's only 14. I know you said the team being called "The Fighting Buttercups" was a pretty good clue, but I maintain my contention that it sounded like an ironic roller derby kind of name, and all those chicks are sexy temptresses, so you really can't blame me. Besides, how would I ever know that girl was your daughter? She's not even fat like you. Maybe you need to spend more time teaching your daughter how to not be a huge whore, and less time acting all judgey and harsh to your future employees. Also thanks for not making a big deal about how I said your wife looked "tore up from the floor up". I just meant she was ugly, not that she looked like she'd been passed around at a convention for men with STDs on their face. With a little make-up she'd be like a 4 if you could figure out a way to disguise her hump.
And finally, all those questions I asked about needing time off for legal reasons were totally about jury duty and not about 6 to 15 pending date rape cases that allegedly may or may not involve me. I get called for jury duty all the time and as long as (*fingers crossed*) the DA keeps fucking up chain-of-custody for his circumstantial evidence, I should only have to go there for a few days at a time. Allegedly.
So in conclusion, don't be a horse dick puller and give me the job. I don't know that a horse dick puller is an actual thing, but if it was it wouldn't be anything you want to be... trust me, because no matter what your friends tell you, the horse doesn't always like it and sometimes they kick because you pull too hard and then you get head trauma and spend the rest of your life in bullshit jobs like the one I just applied for with you.
Hugs Not Drugs,