Thursday, June 24, 2010

Re-Think The Impossible Dream: A Lazy Man's Blog Post

Maybe some people think re-posting old entries is lazy like the way your mom's eye gets when she has a crashing orgasm but can't scream because the rubber duck she has duct taped in her mouth is preventing her from making any noise. (FACT: Rubber ducks are the poor Mom's ball gag.) I just said "ball" (*snicker*). Anyway(s) this shit is so old that it has grey pubic hair that it probably tries to dye with "Just For Men" but than it screws up because it doesn't read the directions and gets a chemical burn on its wang. I wrote this back in the good old days of unemployment and 2 posts a day and probably about 40 of you read it and even though that makes you my most faithful readers, shut the fuck up...I haven't got time to write much new stuff so you'll just have to re-read this and like it! Moral: I'm not lazy.

Because God says I'm not allowed to sleep anymore, I was up all night, and by "up" I mean "lying in bed, looking at the ceiling, and generally being miserable". So now instead of napping, I'm totally awake and need something to do. I thought I'd go see "Push" maybe because it's a movie about mind bullets, and I have been told that my superpower rankings need to be reconsidered and what better way to do that research than to go see a movie about it. I'm pretty much an ace reporter. You should call me "Scoop" and I could wear a fedora and have a notepad and that would be boss.

Anyway(s), I looked up a synopsis online to see how "Pew! Pew! Pew!" this movie is and I read this:

"After his father, an assassin, is brutally murdered, Nick Gant (Chris Evans) vows revenge on Division, the covert government agency that dabbles in psychic warfare and experimental drugs. Hiding in Hong Kong's underworld, Nick assembles a band of rogue psychics dedicated to destroying Division. Together with Cassie (Dakota Fanning), a teenage clairvoyant, Nick goes in search of a missing girl and a stolen suitcase that could be the key to accomplishing their mutual goal"

Only because I'm so tired I read that last sentence as "... the key to accomplishing their mutual GOAT." And for a second I thought. "What the Eff is a mutual goat?" and then I tried to imagine what a mutual goat would be, and I thought it was probably one that you kept in the backyard because you are too cheap to buy a lawnmower and he wanders around eating all the weeds and tin cans you have out there and you have to share him with your neighbor because he's a MUTUAL goat. And then I thought about what a crappy yard you must have if it has enough tin cans in it to feed a goat. You pretty much have to be throwing ALL your garbage out the window. Have some respect for the environment, man! And then I imagined the HUGE pile of refuse that must build up under your window while it was your cheapskate neighbor's turn to use the goat and that's disgusting and I bet you have roaches, you filthy bastard. And then I re-read the last sentence of the synopsis and my whole goat-based scenario just kind of unraveled.

I don't know how one would "accomplish" a goat anyway(s), and it's probably sexual, so I'M not going to start thinking about it and instead I think it's time to try napping again. Stupid goats.

UPDATE: I was just lying there thinking about people using their mind bullets to make other people have sex with goats and a ladybug fell in my mouth. Note to self: close mouth while sleeping. Also: re-evaluate Mind Bullets on super-power list.

SUPER-REPOST UPDATE: "Push" sucked balls. I hate Chris Evans so hard that if given the choice of pretending to like Chris Evans or slamming my fingers repeatedly in the door of a jackoff booth in a porn store where there is probably dried jizz all over the place until my hand is mangled and bleeding and then I get hand-herpes or finger-syphllis or whatever...I'm no doctor...I just know "Fuck Chris Evans".

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Sometimes It's Just About Hitting Publish and Not Looking Back

Maybe you don't think 15 minutes is enough time to write a quality post, but guess what else you didn't think about? Me getting your mom pregnant and then she has to have the baby because that generation didn't believe in abortions but they did believe in shame and then your mom has the baby and now I'm like your illegitimate half-dad. Your Bastard Dad. And you know what happens when you sass-talk your Bastard Dad, right? That's right...he get's drunk on Brandy Alexanders and won't stop putting his hand down his pants and adjusting himself while singing a weird variant of "Freebird" that features the line "I'm a flea with a bird nom!" and before you can ask what that means I pass out.

Here is my new favorite dinosaur:

HAHAHAHAHA! Two Wang asaurus! Get it? (It's a dick joke.)

Moral: Maybe sometimes when you have only 15 minutes to write, it's better to sit quietly and just think about birds or flowers or something.


Thursday, June 3, 2010

Scientists Conclude The End Of The World Is Boobies. Declare State of Awesomeness.

If I had a choice of apocalypses... I mean if I had to pick one way in which the entire human race would be wiped out. I would want it to be a boobie apocalypse, because boobies are awesome and comforting and fun to look at and that's way better than raining fire or a plague of bugs or everyone touches your mom where her bathing suit covers and gets Super-Herpes like in The Stand. Boobies are God's way of saying "Hey! Check out HER rack!" and I'm pretty sure it talks about the divinity of Boobs in that one book of the Bible that no one talks about because it was written by that one guy from Babylon or San Diego or wherever who just thought everyone should just loosen up. So I would like to make my case for the Breastmageddon now, and if you can think of a better way to die then by all means feel free to mention it in the comments*

Why Boobies are better than other end of the world scenarios:

1) Dinosaurs - While we can all agree that a dinosaur Armageddon would be cool to watch, the fact is that there would just have to be SO many predators running around to eat everyone that there is a good chance you would die just by getting stepped on. If I'm getting killed by a rampaging dinosaur, I sure as fuck better get eaten. If a dinosaur steps on you, I'm pretty sure you go to Shame Heaven. For me it's disembowelment and devouring or nothing. Call me old fashioned. It should be pointed out that a boob never accidentally stepped on anyone, or at least if it did that person isn't complaining.

2) Vikings - While Viking Armageddon means getting to use lots of words with silent "j"s in them, one thing it doesn't do is have pretty nipples to tweak. If you ever tried to tweak a Viking you'd end up with an axe in your junk and i think we can all agree that if I have to die, it's for the betterment of future societies that their anthropologists are able to study my wang in it's natural (ie: awesome), uncut-up form. They would be all "My God! This specimen had the most awesome wang!Judging by all the lady skeletons in the area, I can tell that they totally had orgasms all over the place all day, and it was all thanks to this guy and he totally didn't ever play Dungeons and Dragons in high school or get caught digging through the cafeteria garbage with his Mom in 8th grade looking for his retainer. No. This guy was raw sexual energy. Don't touch his bones or you'll get pregnant." What does this have to do with Vikings? I'm glad you asked.

3) I'm already bored with this post and let's face it once you've had boobies and dinosaurs and Vikings, it's all gonna be "let's see if I can really stretch this into a full post" bullshit like The Roofie Apocalypse, or the "Coming In your Sock-pocalypse" where everyone dies from chronic masturbation, or the terrible Eel Apocalypse which I've totally been trying to warn everyone about, and just because I tell you something in the middle of a mall and smell like Sloe Gin Fizzes and maybe I'm a little "loosey-goosey" with the belt on my bathrobe... that doesn't mean it's not true. Anyway(s)...I need a sandwich so let's not beat this to death anymore than I have to.