Tuesday, January 19, 2010

A New Hobby That Maybe Is Court-Ordered But I Wanted to do It Anyway(s)

Dear Feelings Diary,

My very stupid court-appointed psychiatrist said that I should keep you so that we can do something something emotions, but I wasn't really paying attention because I'm pretty sure she was flirting with me like THE WHOLE TIME I was in her office, and maybe that sounds unbelievable to YOU, Diary. But maybe you should just mind your own business and stop calling me a liar.

She was totally hitting on me because she asked if I was on any medications and that means she wants to care for me and then I said "I have a bottle of expired cat anti-depressants that I take when I want to get my party on!" and when I winked real big in that exaggerated cartoon way that is probably just about to make a comeback, she didn't say anything, but just scribbled in her notepad real furiously for a minute or two. She was probably writing down her phone number and then doing a quick sketch of me like Leonardo DiCaprio did of Kate Winslet in Titanic. I think he did that right before he nailed her. So this doctor was obviously sending me signals.

So how am I feeling today, you might ask? Well check this shit out, Diary. There was a test of the Emergency Broadcast System today on the radio and at first I had angry feelings because when it says "This is only a test" a bunch of times I feel like it is being very condescending and treating me like a four year old. But after my angry feelings I had happy feelings because I remembered how that psychiatrist was checking out my junk and sure maybe that was only because I pulled it out in the middle of the session and started doing Broadway cane twirls with it, but she didn't say "Stop!" for at least 3 seconds so obviously she's into me.

And then I went back to angry feelings because the Emergency Broadcast System made a loud noise that made me stop thinking about all the sexy psycho-analysis and I was afraid it wasn't only a test because what if during my fantasy we were actually attacked? If I were a Nazi or a Commie or a shadowy Dutch saboteur I would totally explode the world during a test of the Emergency Broadcast System because everyone would be all "It's ONLY a test." and then POW! You're all dead. Case closed. So then I had anxious feelings and I ducked and covered just to be safe but the people in line behind me at the bank started making funny eyes at me because they thought it was only a test. So I pulled down my pants and crapped on the floor to get their attention and started screaming "What if it ISN'T only a test, fuckers!" and then the cops showed up. And then I have to keep a stupid feelings diary.

It was all just a mix up is my point. Let's agree to disagree.

Fuck you, Diary.

Kurt

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Shake It, Don't Break It Baby!!

Because I'm a brilliant innovator and also because I'm out of good ideas I thought I would analyze the lyrics to "Shake Me" by Cinderella because they seem deep and meaningful and when I was in eighth grade all I wanted to do was meet a 25 YO bimbo who had a fetish involving guys with Quiet Riot album cover artwork ironed-on to their t-shirts and maybe too-big "wormser" glasses because normal chicks weren't into my freaky hyper-sexuality yet. I never did meet that girl but thanks to Cinderella I would know just what to do when I met her.


Never Breaks it. Always Shakes it.

Shake Me by Cinderella

Alright, yea
I met this girl around quarter to ten (*Early night? NO! "ten" is an easy rhyme! Always look for easy rhymes!*)
We made it once, she said "Make me again." (*"make" is a codeword for "fuck". Look it up.*)
She wrapped her love around me all night long
In the mornin' we were still goin' strong (*Bragging is always good for Heavy Metal music. I seriously doubt he would still be able to achieve an orgasm after going all night long and her vagina would probably feel like a cat's tongue that someone had set on fire using the rubbing two sticks together method.*)

Now let me tell ya, it sure feels good (*"ya" = We're best friends.)
First time I saw that girl I knew it would (*I also doubt you can judge the quality of a woman's lady stuff on first sight. He must have humping super-powers.*)
Now let me tell ya, it sure felt right
No pullin' teeth, she didn't want to fight, she said(*SONGSMITH NOTE: ALWAYS DROP THE "g" AT THE END OF WORDS! ie: "pullin' " or "pumpin' " or "cross-dressin' "*)

Shake me, all night, she said
Shake me, shake it, don't break it baby (*This is the moral of the story. Anytime you can work "Shake it, don't break it Baby." into a conversation, you win. Like at the Laundromat. Or at the Bank. Or at dinner at your mom's house.*)
Shake me, all night, she said
All night long
All night long baby(*"Baby" means he loves her and despite all the apparent shaking he feels connected to her and as though she is his one true love, I bet.*)

Screamed and scratched and rolled out of the bed(*What is he humping? A cat? Sort of, huh?! (*slide whistle*)*)
I never really got her out of my head
And now and then she makes those social calls (*She apparently works for Child Protective Services and the singer is a pedophile. Read between the lines is my point.*)
Gives me a squeeze, gets me kickin' the walls (*That's a very strange reaction. What is she squeezing? I would assume he is implying it's his wang. If someone has a tight grip on my junk, I'm not kicking anything. I'm asking them to please stop.*)

Now let me tell ya, it still feels tight (*I think the "still" says he's been humping her so much he stretched out her pussy, but if it felt tight the first time, than it would still feel tight on repeated entries unless his penis is decreasing in diameter with each successive session. Were that the case, shemust have some kind of shrink-ray up in there or maybe Polyjuice Potion or something else from Harry Potter and it's time to find a new lover, I think.*)
And we were shakin' after every bite (*vampires = sexy. Think about it.*)
I feel her comin' in the middle of the night
Screamin' higher

Shake me, all night, she said
Shake me, shake it, don't break it baby
Shake me, all night, she said
Shake me, ooo yea (*You know what...this ended up being more boring than I thought. Let's talk about something else. Like the Jonas Brothers. Or Pokemon. Or Necrophilia. Your pick. Just remember to shake it don't break it, Baby! HAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Aaaahh. (*sigh*)*)

All night, keep the fire burnin', cause we're doin' all right
All night, come on and shake it right

Shake me
Shake me
Shake me
Shake me

Shake me all night, she said
Shake me, shake it, don't break it baby
Shake me, all night, she said
Shake me, ooo yea

Shake me
Shake me, yea
Shake me
Ooo come on baby baby
Shake me
Shake me(*Did you really read all the way to the big surprise ending? That's right! The singer was shaken! And How! I don't know why I reverted to The Lil Rascals just then. Forgive me. *)

Monday, January 11, 2010

Art Imitating Life Imitating Dinosaurs

I was going to talk about how everyone at work is trying to talk to me about football, but I haven't really been watching at all this season so I just say "Yeah." and "So true." and "They really looked good." and they think that "They" means some football team that I don't care about but that is just a clever deception, because I'm really talking about how I put a mirror on either side and made infinity me-s because I was trying to create a black hole of handsomeness from all the massive handsome density. They really looked good for sure.

I was going to talk about that but than the internet rescued you and gave me a treat:

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: ,vv.-._ / / `---==-._
\/\/\/VV ^ d88`;' / `.
`` ^/d88P!' / , `._
^/ !' ,. , / "-,,__,,--'""""-.
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"""' ;':::'' `+%%%a._ \%:%| ;.). _,-""
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,;:%%%%%%%: ;:%::
;,--""-.`\ ,=--':%:%:\
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I'm going to use this in all my correspondence from now on, I think. Like...I will end all cover letters to potential employers this way. Then they will know I am computer saavy but not in a stuck up "I know a lot of stuff" way. The dinosaur says "Smart but not elitist. Sexy but not too clever. Humpable but not whorish." I think. Also there is the obvious implied threat that if they don't hire me, I will sic a flesh-hungry T-rex on their fascist asses, so guess who's right around the corner from a new job?

Here's a cover letter I just sent out:

Dear Unsexy Corporate Swine,

Hi. My name is Kurt and as you can see from my resume I'm very handsome. And you may be asking yourselves how I was able to get my printer to print on a glossy head-shot photo of myself, but I think it's best if some things remain a mystery. That's also why I didn't include any references or names of old employers. You really need to just mind your own effing* business and hire me.

I think we all know that your company is full of assholes** and by hiring me, your asshole-to-gorgeous person ratio will go way up and that's what the government wants from you... Adversity Diversity. So either you love America and people of all colors or you're a terrorist front and you hate minorities. It's your choice obviously, but I know PETAs home phone number and I will totally tell them that you are also racist against cows or bunnies or whatever. Sic Semper Tyrannus! Speaking of which:
            .-=-==--==--.
..-==" ,'o`) `.
,' `"' \
: ( `.__...._
| ) / `-=-.
: ,vv.-._ / / `---==-._
\/\/\/VV ^ d88`;' / `.
`` ^/d88P!' / , `._
^/ !' ,. , / "-,,__,,--'""""-.
^/ !' ,' \ . .( ( _ ) ) ) ) ))_,-.\
^(__ ,!',"' ;:+.:%:a. \:.. . ,' ) ) ) ) ,"' '
',,,'',' /o:::":%:%a. \:.:.: . ) ) _,'
"""' ;':::'' `+%%%a._ \%:%| ;.). _,-""
,-='_.-' ``:%::) )%:| /:._,"
(/(/" ," ,'_,'%%%: (_,'
( (//(`.___; \
\ \ ` `
`. `. `. :
\. . .\ : . . . :
\. . .: `.. . .:
`..:.:\ \:...\
;:.:.; ::...:
):%:: :::::;
__,::%:( :::::
,;:%%%%%%%: ;:%::
;,--""-.`\ ,=--':%:%:\
/" "| /-".:%%%%%%%\
;,-"'`)%%)
/" "|


I can start Monday, Dickheads.

Hugs Not Drugs,
Kurt



*I said "effing" here so they would know I am serious and a hard worker but also respectful as long as they don't act like a bag of cocks.

**It's a proven scientific fact that all companies are full of assholes. I'm just showing them that I understand the scientific method and also that I am empathetic to their problems even though I would never admit to it, because you can't spell "empathetic" without the "pathetic" and that's not me at all. Just ask my friend Bologna Sandwich sitting here next to me. He'll tell you.

Moral: Go read my article at Mama Pop. It has less dinosaurs. If that's your problem.

Friday, January 8, 2010

There is No "I" in "Terrorism"

You know that moment when you walk out of a public restroom and first you start to go one way and then you second-guess yourself because the peeing got you all turned around so you start to walk in the other direction, but then you see something that reorients you and you realize the first direction was the right way after all so you stand there for a second and look around to see who saw you do that, because it sorta looks like you're standing in front of the bathroom and doing the cha-cha-cha, and then you realize your STILL standing in front of the bathroom but now you look contemplative and like you are maybe thinking about something you just saw in there that you liked, so you finally turn and go the right way, secretly wishing that someone had just gone ahead and poisoned you this morning so all the embarrassment could have been avoided?

Well I want to figure out a way to use the Human Genome Project or whatever to bottle that emotion and sell it to the Army as a chemical weapon. Because it's simultaneously like wishing you were dead and being lost and super-self-consciousness and incredible embarrassment all at once. If you sprayed a blast of it in someone's face they would probably start to cry and turn super sensitive and then if you gave them a teddy bear they would probably curl up in a ball on the hard, arid desert* soil and take a nap. But guess what? That teddy bear? C4. BOOOOM!!! HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Fuck you, Terrorist!

And then an eagle would scream and jets would fly overhead while I salute them in a low-angle slow-motion shot and kids are running through the streets of a small town with ice cream and there would be fireworks and BMX jumps and hot Army chicks willingly giving out fellatios and then the whole world turns into a giant American flag while Van Halen wails a killer guitar riff from the David Lee Roth years all over the place.

I would call the chemical "America Freedom Rockets Dinosaurs Vagina-oxl**" and that my friends is how we beat terrorists where I'm from.***



*I don't mean to be racist against deserts because there are plenty of deserts like Antarctica that aren't crawling with terrorists as much as with penguins. And those adorable little fellows always looked dressed to the nines!!


This is obviously photoshopped because no penguin would ever look so unkempt!


** I added the "-oxl" so all the scientific community wouldn't get up in arms and then they would remember all the wedgies handsome guys like me always gave them and then no Nobel Prize for Sexy for me. Stupid Stuck-up Scientists.

*** Technically I'm from my Mom's vagina, and I don't know what it's policy on terrorism is. I could ask it. But it's always passed out on the couch and smelling about 15 sailors full.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Pretty Much The Low-Point In My Career as a "Writer"

I was going to post something clever but then I sobered up so too bad for you. In the interim here's some Lego© porn . (*shrugs*)



Even though I'm pretty sure I invented the sex dungeon, I never get any credit. It's probably because I'm so handsome. Everyone thinks that's enough. Well, I'm more than just a pretty face, and a gorgeous body and a winning smile.



You may be asking yourself "Why the hell did he post Lego Porn?" I think the real question is "Why are you looking at it?"

You're really messed up, Yo.