To Whom It May Concern;
Hello. My name is Kurt, and that's all you need to know. It has come to my attention that your organization, The Itty Bitty Titty Committee, is a ladies-only club and that is so racist against men I can't even stand it. So in hopes of getting you to rectify this situation I have sent along a copy of my resume, which is at least 1/3 true by this point, a lucky rabbit's foot, and 6 pieces of gum I found in the bottom of my college backpack. Don't think of it as a bribe. Think of it as a "hiring chance enhancer". I think that given your long history of being vagina-only, making me "VP of Wang" is the right move for your organization.
The thing is, I know for a fact that you've been around for more than 30 years because I first heard about you in 3rd grade shortly after Ron Barbowitz told me, in very hushed tones across the urinal divide, that Emily LeFevre had just been inducted. He laughed, but I didn't think it was funny, because obviously this was some sort of secret society that I had never heard of, and it totally wasn't even in the yearbook next to the picture of us "Mathletes!!" or anything. I don't know HOW long you guys have been around, but unless you want the NAACP or the ACLU or PETA or whatever up your ass you better get me on board right away.
If you look at my qualifications you can see that I am very handsome and clever which can serve your group in a bunch of different ways, and while some people might describe my chest as "mooby" I think we can all agree that those are just my six-pack waiting to migrate south for the winter, and in fact I totally meet your "itty bitty" criteria for titties. Hey! That's a problem too, because i totally tell women that I am opposed to the objectifying of women because that gets me laid a lot, so making breast size a membership criteria doesn't really work for me. Could we change the name to the "Great Big Wang With Sensitive Feelings Committee". I think chicks would dig that even though it doesn't rhyme as good.
In conclusion, check out how tall and lean I am when I stretch all the way up to the ceiling on my tiptoes. Like 8 feet tall. That means that I can totally dominate whatever your rival organization is (The Fuzzy Wuzzy Pussy Commuzzy?) in basketball, or Skip-Bo© or peeing initials in the snow. I'm so serious about this that it's ridiculous. I look forward to hearing from you.
PS: My girlfriend just told me you weren't a real organization and that it was a way for boys to humilate girls who developed their boobs early. So pretty much ignore this letter.
PPS: Where did I mail this to, even? That's right. I'm a riddle inside an enigma's* asshole. (*Cue Inception Vuvuzela....BWWAAAHHHHMMMMMM!!!*)
*Your Mom is an enigma.