Monday, October 11, 2010

Just Be Thankful YOU Didn't Write It

So pretty much the only reason I ever clean my house is because all the outrageous, orgiastic parties I have would make it impossible for CSI to find a killer if one ever visits me because of all the sexy body fluids that get splashed everywhere, and if there's one thing I can't abide by, it's justice not being served.* HAHAHAHAHA! Just kidding. No one would ever try to kill me. Even all my dubious colleagues at the International Shadowy College of Sexy Cat Burglars treat me with respect because they all feel, and I am very comfortable speaking for them, that I have a certain quiet dignity about me which comes from being the most awesome person ever.

International Shadowy College of Sexy Cat Burglars Class of '09 RULES!!!

Actually, the only reason I clean up my house is so I don't accidentally kill my children, because THAT is one ugly pile of paperwork to fill out when it happens, and I would rather not have to sign a thousand documents that start "Accidental Homicide Investigation Form" (again). Turns out, once you have those things, they totally expect you to keep them alive like, THE WHOLE TIME before they turn 18. Sheesh. I don't think thwarting natural selection is the right decision for our species, guys. I'd rather know my children have the cunning and wit to stay alive then keep them that way because as a species we've gone soft. Also, think of all the trapping and hunting and tourniquet tying skills they could learn along the way!

The other day, I was in the bathroom contemplating how awful it must be for people whose shit does stink, when I saw a little glass bottle of The Girl's perfume on the floor under the shower curtain. Wait...don't go. This story is awesome. Check it out. I'm about to do some radical shit up in here. So I'm about to leave the bathroom and go back to testing my hypothesis that if I alternate between eating raw hot dogs and drinking shots of vodka I will puke and then pass out and not the other way around, when it occurs to me that maybe I ought to pick up the bottle of perfume, because what if somebody trips and falls and kills themselves when I knew it was there. How would that make me feel? Almost guilty is the answer. And I can't have that.

So I pick it up, and that's when I realize how handsome I must look to a passerby, and even though my bathroom is on the second floor, I think if someone was shot out of a catapult and flying past my window, their last thought would be "Well, Hel-LO!" and then I think that the only reason I have for doing any work around the house is to keep these goddamn kids alive and from getting sick, so maybe I DO deserve some kind of humanitarian award. I should totally call back the Nobel people.
My Humility as personified by a bear with a machine gun surfing on a shark.

MORAL: In M.I.A.'s international smash hit "Paper Planes" she claims to have "more records than the KGB", but this seems highly unlikely because the population of the Soviet Union at the height of the Cold War, when the KGB was most active, was 286.7 million people, making her claim highly suspicious at best. She could possibly be laboring under the delusion that with the fall of Communism in 1989, the KGB was disbanded...but even if that were the case, which it is not, any records they may have kept would STILL be in existence. It's all just foolishness to think otherwise, M.I.A.!

ALSO MORAL: Go read The Roaring Dork today, because THAT guy is awesome.

*As long as "justice" doesn't include subpoenas** because I hate when those motherfuckers are served. Whhaaaa! So, I crapped in the front seat of your YOU'VE never got high huffing Aspercreme©.

**When I said "subpoenas" in my head, I pronounced it "sub-penis" which is technically, according to my incredible command of Latin, "below penis" or in layman's terms "balls".

ex: "Your mom can kiss my hairy subpoenas!" Knowledge is power.

Bonus: Because Pandas Fix Everything:


Angela said...

I'm a little confused by this post, but the picture of the bear with a machine gun surfing on a shark made it worth it. Thanks!

Miss Yvonne said...

I love your mad photoshop skills, but everyone knows that the '08 class kicks '09's ass. Every. Time.


Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Hyper-penis, Regular penis, and sub-penis? That's all? What about the people searching your blog for uberpenis? Or meh penis (mehnis)? Or ennui penis (pennui)?

Anti-penis? <---Not meaning "against penis", because that would be insane. I mean anti as in "before", like antipasta. As in, what you eat before penis, which would be...I don't know...tequila? Mentos? Roofies? Fizz wizz? Sadly, without a tag to direct us to the right answer, we'll never know.

BugginWord said...

Dude, I love it when the KGB does covers of Air Supply hits.

Beta Dad said...

What about the metapenis?

Vic said...

This keeping kids alive thing has turned out to be way more pressure than I signed up for.
Cats have a lot more lives, and no one cares if you accidentally light one on fire or something, especially if you say sorry later.

Didactic Pirate said...

I learn SO MUCH every time I come here. About the WORLD.

Sarah P said...

*** Your asterisks look especially handsome.

A Vapid Blonde said...

When ever I bend down to pick someting up I always hear the words "Well HELLO!" I should probably stop going out in public naked and dropping stuff for attention.

J-Bird said...

I just want to know why I've never been invited to one of these parties.

Random Chick said...

What were you on when you wrote this, and can I have some?