Monday, October 4, 2010

I Found A Funny Picture. Learned An Interesting Fact. And Then This Happened.

This is what your period would look like if it was turned into an animal. Do you think it's a coincidence I choose a cat to personify it? Than you don't know me at all.


I don't like to always write about periods, but I learned something really interesting this morning about you girls and your secretive lady-time and I wanted to share it with the world because I would rather teach a man to fish and feed his knowledge about menstruation for a lifetime. Or something.

What I learned was that the thing where girls who live together all sync up their periods is not some type of vaginal witchcraft as I previously had suspected, but is rather a proven medical phenomenon known as the McClintock Effect. I thought it was just a freak occurrence like The Perfect Storm, where instead of waves coming together to capsize Russell Crowe's boat, there is irrationality and bitchiness and ice cream and tampon wrappers in the garbage can to capsize my life.

The McClintock Effect is, of course, named after John Wayne's character from the movie McClintock!* who "likes his whiskey hard...his women soft... and the West all to himself." And maybe you think it's weird that they would name vagina magic after The Duke, but remember his real name was "Marion", and that's a girl's name and girls get on their periods, so really it makes perfect sense.**
John Wayne was an early proponent of Women's Rights.
Especially the sexy "Right to Get a Spanking For Not Cookin' My Dinner"

And I don't know whose bright idea it was to name it The McClintock! Effect, because that sounds boring and not even a little mysterious or supernatural and I personally believe that all the women getting on the same cycle is spooky as hell. That's the kind of shit I expect to jump out at me from behind the bushes on Halloween night. I would have called it "Lady Bloodworth's Voodoo Pussy Enchantment" to really put the fear of it into men. That's why you guys don't get paid as good as us... you've never utilized the creeping horror of your menstrual cycle to your advantage. Get in the game, Ladies!


Words To Live By:
Go read my review of Let Me In on The Roaring Dork. *Spoiler*: I'm handsome



* Now I don't know about you, but I think any movie that has an exclamation point right in the title is pretty goddamn arrogant and need to get over itself.

** Three seconds of research would have told me that John Wayne has nothing to do with pussy voodoo, but those are three seconds I could be looking at myself in the mirror and deciding if the abs I just drew on with a Sharpie© look real enough before I go to the gym. So really it just makes sense that I didn't do the research.

10 comments:

Sarah P said...

It has a name? The secret's in the sauce.

Helena said...

Jesus fucking holy... holy Moses! hey, don't insult that cat! My periods monstorsity out uglies that... *dismissive hand gesture* thing any day.
truth: that cat may just have caused me to question God.
also truth: my period beats it six ways to Sunday in gross things i'd rather not know exist.

who the hell gives NAMES to women syncing up in their possessed state? just because my bathroom looks like a CSI crimescene, doesn't mean the world needs to know its name!

Moooooog35 said...

I suppose that explains why sorority chicks are all so bitchy.

BugginWord said...

Holy mother of menstrual, I laughed so hard I pulled my uterus. Which is leaking, bee tee dubs.

Dr. Cynicism said...

Just knowing that it has been named scares me. Do you think girls that room together put this on their calendars so that they can prepare a proper shopping list of Haagen Dazs and absorbency sticks? I'm imagining a few Google or Outlook calendars with "McClintock Time" entered in.

Ed said...

And THAT is why I quit working at the Womens prison.

Well, it wasn't so much "quit" as "got fired".

And it didn't totally have to due with periods in sync, as having sex with inmates.

But its basically the same thing.

Jessica said...

weird. I would have thought it was named the McClintock effect in honor of Prom Dress Mastermind Jessica McClintock, which is where every bitch under the sun got prom dressed from the Late 1980s through early 2000s.

Kristine said...

I was thinking of moving in with my grandmother so that my ovaries will just raisin-up already.

Jenny DB said...

Oh good to know that has a name. Growing up with my sister and my mom, my dad just called it the week when we SHUT THE FUCK UP and NODDED alot.

Cul-de-sac-ed said...

I think the picture of the cat is more inline with the surly mood of guys when their girlfriends are menstruating simultaneously. That, or a cunt hair.