Monday, September 13, 2010

Swayze From the Heat

Sometimes I spend long days contemplating the nature of man's inhumanity to man in the framework of certain socio-political trends that remain prevalent from the mid-portion of the 20th century. And other times I think about To Wong Foo Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar because while some people waste their lives not focusing on meaningless bullshit mid-90s bad movies, I think it is my duty to think of anything other than what I am supposed to.

It's a gift really.

Like when I'm supposed to be getting dinner for my kids and I instead think about how awesome it would be to be Wile E. Coyote and then actually catch that mother-effing, dick-head roadrunner. Or when I'm at mass and instead of contemplating the divine something,something of Jesus I wonder who I would eat if the church were suddenly locked from the outside by a gang of post-apocalyptic thugs. I mean...I wouldn't have to worry about water, because we Catholics have loads of the magic kind, but food might be a problem because those skinny wafers won't cut it. Maybe they are the transubstantiated body of our Lord and Savior*, but they probably only have, what...20 calories at best? I think I'm gonna eat Mrs. Murtough. She's put on quite a few pounds since her kidneys failed.

No. Just NO.

To Wong Foo Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar is of course, the story of Priscilla Queen of the Desert as told by the following non-Australians: John Leguizamo, Patrick Swayze, and robustly non-Australian Wesley Snipes. All dressed in drag. And no I don't mean dressed up as drag racers, because that would be really cool to see...like each actor could be dressed up like a car and then run really fast in a sprint against the other actors. That would have a lot of dramatic tension because everyone would want the underdog, Wesley Snipes car to win, but he would be sabotaged by racists in the second act and then the Patrick Swayze race car would have to race to win in the climax of the film. And then some song by Night Ranger would come on when he won and there would be a freeze-frame of the two surviving cars jumping in mid-air, hands together like champions. Not that kind. The "men dressed up as chicks" kind.

Was Wong Fu** awesome? No. No it was not. I barely remember it. But will that keep me from focusing on what it was that made Patrick Swayze chose it as his project after the success of Dirty Dancing and Ghost? Nope. I'm totally fixated on it like it was the leg of someone dressed in a fancy suit at a funeral and I am a horny dog who's walked in off the street and need to get my hump on.

Moral: Wesley Snipes makes an ugly woman.


*This might be bordering on sacrilegious, but God has a good sense of humor about blasphemy according to my complete ignorance of how many people have been stoned to death for it over the centuries.

**I abbreviated it in the interest of not wanting to type out that whole big long thing out again and also so you think I am best friends with that film and therefore my smack talk is done in playful fun, and me and the movie go way back and we drink beer and play cards together and never argue about having what it would classify as "semi-gay" experiences in the movie theater that one time.

***
Aside: Hey! Don't forget to read the Roaring Dork. Today I talk about Resident Evil: Afterlife and how Milla Jovovich could sell me her used tampons and call them "Fire Mice" that are genetic mutations of actual mice with red coats and even though they totally look fake and the googly eyes she's glued on the one are starting to come off, it's Milla Jovovich so who even cares.

8 comments:

Kristine said...

I also hear that magic water gets you drunk. 'Swhy I drink it anyway.
Anyway, don't drink too much because Mrs. Murtough has totally got her eye on you. For fully sacrilegious things. (Why do you think her kidneys failed?)

Fred Miller said...

I was always lining up the women I would take for my multiple wives if we were all locked up in church. I never got as far as the food thing. Nothing makes you hornier than mass. God knows why.

Jen O. said...

I always thought, and maybe this is just me, that if it weren't for the muscles, baritone voice and enormous hands, Patrick Swayze made quite the fetching woman. I mean, look at those eyes! If I were a lesbian who like having sex with transvestite men...or if I were a manly man who liked having sex with men but wanted to pretend I didn't because I'd get made fun of by my homophobic construction worker friends so I had sex with men who looked like pretty ladies on the outside, but not in the pants, I'd totally do Lady Patrick Swayze.

But maybe that's just me.

The Holmes said...

Nothing competes with the freeze-frame high-five for the closing of a movie. Like the end of "Rad" where Cru and the other dude high-five with their BMX bikes after the race.

Random Chick said...

All of those guys make ugly women. Blecchhh!

Beta Dad said...

I remember kind of liking that movie when it first came out. Maybe it seemed more outrageous back then, before absolutely everyone started dressing in drag.

You're right about Wesley Snipes. He's so fugly in that picture that I thought he was Dennis Rodman.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Body of Christ is good with hummus, though. Said the chubby former Catholic school girl who was never quite satiated by the school's goldfish crackers and apple juice snack but was ever-thankful for the dog door Sister Mary Edna installed in the back of the rectory.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

PS: 420 readers, bro! *GIANT BONG RIP*

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