Thursday, September 23, 2010

C is For Cookie. And Some Other Stuff (*wink*)

I'm going to try and be super delicate here, because maybe you don't know it but we are about to talk about a sensitive subject and reveal ancient secrets of maleness and if you don't like a certain word that start with the letter "c" and rhymes with "shunt", (hint: "cunt") than maybe peel off here and go read "Family Circus" or something. Those adorable roundheaded kids! What will they say next?

Here's the thing. There are certain euphemisms in the blue collar world that I'm pretty sure most women have no idea about. For example: When spot welding, if too much metal drips off a joint and leads to an improper seal, it's called "a tit-banger".

I made that up. That was a test. I just wanted to give you girls a sample of the kind of reckless misogyny you are in for. Man. Men sure are jerks, huh? (*lights incense. flips page in "What to Expect When You're Expecting*)

Okay, for real this time. When something is very close to the correct position but still off by a little, the amount of adjustment necessary is "a cunt hair". This is NOT a joke. I'm being serious. Let me us it in context so you can roll it around your tongue a little. "Jeez Dave, you almost have the timing set right. You just need to move it a cunt hair more clockwise." or "You almost crushed that prostitute's trachea! A cunt hair more and it would have gone from auto-erotic asphyxiation to "lawyer time"*.

I've also noticed a trend lately, in more PC work environments, where people refer to that distance as a "c-hair" so as not to say the possibly offensive word and get themselves fired for sexual harrassment. It's like Louis C.K. says though...if you don't say the offensive word but just abbreviate it, than you'r making ME say it in my head, and thereby making me a sex torturer or woman hater without my even meaning to. Not that saying "cunt" makes anyone either of those things, just that's how people treat you if you say it in public. (or shout it at the Homecoming Queen as her float goes by because you've had one too many banana daiquiris by 9am. Sheesh! I said I was sorry!)




*This is misogynistic because a) she was a prostitute and therefore being compensated for her strangle sex, and b) I said so.

18 comments:

Fred Miller said...

A "cunt hair" is actually an algebraic parameter by which you construct a function which accounts for the amplification of any distance by the radius of the arc created by any angular motion.

EXAMPLE: When we used to set up the laser beam for aligning new sewer construction, the guy at the unfinished end of the pipe would tell the guy in the manhole to move the shot up or down or right or left, "just a cunt hair." The guy in the manhole had to adjust the laser gun based on the distance of the pipe already laid multiplied by the mathematical constant of "cunt hair." It's all very interesting.

On Being a Submissive Wife

Moooooog35 said...

Is this even a valid measurement tool now since the onset of the Brazilian wax?

Cookie Monster in Therapy said...

I kinda like that. Let's me know I'm not the only one in the world whose nether regions don't look like one of those Mexican Hairless dogs if a cunt hair is a well used euphemism. Yes I do pretty it up a bit though, shit am I moving into too much info territory? By the way, apparently those dogs are also known as Xoloitzcuintli. Something in that I think.

Dr. Cynicism said...

A post that includes cunts, killing prostitutes, and Louis C. K. references. You've made this a wonderful day Kurt. Thank you for the win.

Miss Yvonne said...

Mmmmm, banana daiquiris...

The Holmes said...

OH! A c-hair! I kept wondering why my coworkers telling me to adjust my settings by a chair to the right.

Abbreviation of profanities and offensive words should be punishable by law.

Wow, that was awkward said...

So, as the owner of a small company employing all women, when I say cunt hair about fifty times today (cuz that's how often I bet I will need to use it), I can just refer them to your blog and tell them to hang up the phone call to the lawyer?

Prosy said...

I've never said cunt hair (or heard about this) but I like to limit my use of the 'cunt' word so that people are more shocked when I scream it at them. It's one of the few mysogenistic words that still has power.

Ed said...

Cunt hair.

Also known as Dental Floss.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Not to mention that cunt hairs get finer as you get older, and that one's heritage and genetic background influence the thickness of one's cunt hairs. I'm offended by the imprecise nature of that tool of measurement. I guess it's better than "Move it over a dick length to the right" though, because the entire world would shift over 10 inches too far.

lisleman said...

oh the short hairs of life
cunt hair is much easier to say and write (look up story about school district billboard) than pubic

public typo of pubic seems to cause more buzz than the opposite.

Really if some wrote his/her public hair wouldn't that deserve a reaction?

Madame Piqueabu said...

You know, pubic hair actually sounds more offensive. Cunt hair just sounds funny.

Mrs. Bitch said...

My old man is a contractor and cunt hair is a legitimate measurement used frequently in the building trades.

Also, if you ever can't get your key in the slot, it's because there's "not enough hair around that hole."

Oh, and Prosy, "Twat!" works much better.

Susan said...

I actually threw my banana daquiri at the homecoming queen. But I missed her by a cunt hair.

Beta Dad said...

On some jobs I worked on, we would use RCH (red cunt hair) as a unit of measure. It's about 1.3 regular c-hairs. Then, when the thing being measured was right, it was deemed "dead fuckin' nuts," "tits," or if it was exceptionally good, "titties and beer."

Remind me to tell you about "stick pussy" some time.

boxofparadox said...

RCH...I know them well.

unmitigated me said...

I'm feeling a little dirty that I used to use this term when I worked on a cleaning/maintenance crew...for my dad.

unmitigated me said...

Okay, wait. We didn't do cleaning and maintenance on my dad. I meant that he was the boss of the crew. That other would just be fucked up.