Thursday, September 9, 2010

THE BIGGEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED EVER


So I'm totally starting a new review site and it's called The Roaring Dork*, and in it I'll be discussing whatever i've been watching and then telling you all my fascinating opinions and I know that sounds revolutionary, but I'd like you all to settle down because it's just the Internet.

I should probably add a few caveats because I'm not ALWAYS going to be watching the movies I review and sometimes I'm just gonna be making up a bunch of stuff and phoning it in, especially when I've had too many Brandy Alexanders, or if I've sniffed too much marker, or if it's a choice between giving an honest review or writing something quick because the heavy-set lady across the street is about to get ready to shower but she still hasn't figured out about turning off the lights in her bedroom or pulling the shades before undressing, and when she undoes her bra clasps it's pretty much a tit-valanche in there and there are no St. Bernards to rescue people from under the massive spill of jugs, so everyone in the room dies from having been suffocated by rolls of giant booby. She does this every night. I bet under her floorboards she has the bones of at least ten people who died with a surprised look on their face because they didn't know nipples could get that big and pale.

But all that is besides the point, because the point is that if you all could go and check out my very funny new blog with it's whole one post so far, than I maybe don't always have to write about period clumps and farting all the time, and while those might seem like Pulitzer Prize© winning topics to you, I'd like to point out two things. First is, I'm a genius reviewer and if you don't believe me ask anyone whose name rhymes with "dirt" and has a blog that you are reading right now with the word "monster" in it. I'm sure they can vouch for me. They'll tell you how I just recently left Mama Pop where I wrote for almost two years and was super funny and respected there, even though all my old posts are attributed to someone named Marilyn now, who may or may not even be a real person. The second reason I shouldn't be writing all that tits and orgasm stuff exclusively is your mom only has SO MANY stories and she's starting to repeat herself so I'm running out of material and besides it's rude of her to talk with her mouth full.**

This picture represents my feelings about the kind of greatness The Roaring Dork will aspire to.

I know there are some people out there who don't want to go somewhere different to read my posts, and to them I say PPPpppPppPppPPpPppPpppp! I have a grand scheme and you can either be a part of it or you can be food for us someday. Your choice.

* There's an awesome badge over on my sidebar you can even click, because maybe "links" of the non-sausage variety are intimidating to you! HAHAHAHAHA! I made fun of your poor nutrition and your love of processed meats, implying I am superior for NOT loving those things even though I do.

** Get it? (*points at Wang***. Winks. Points at Wang. Winks again*)

*** For some reason my computer has started auto-correcting "wang" by capitalizing it, making it a proper name. Something, something "capitalize on THIS (*grabs Wang*)"

12 comments:

soft nonsense said...

Followeded. This post = hilarious. I lost it when you started describing your unfortunate neighbor, and had to stop once or twice during the rest of the post because of hilarity.

Dr. Cynicism said...

Pure genius. You win, we all win. Going to follow The Roaring Dork immediately. And by the way, I truly believe the "Wang" should be capitalized and treated as a proper noun. If I were you, I'd submit that grammar rule to all the major writing style organizations.

Ed said...

I miss the yellow chicks wallpaper.

nova said...

Maybe some of us need to pay this 'Marilyn' a visit, huh? Show her a thing or two about plagarism. In the nuts!

P.S. I will totally follow that blog. To the max. I love your "reviews".

Mandy said...

It's like a subplot. I like it.

Kurt said...

@ soft nonsense: Thank you. Glad you dug it. I like when the first comment of the day tells me I'm awesome. That's justice.

@Dr. C.: I think all wang should be capitalized on. That's how we propagate our species!

@Ed:I'll send you a link for your own page.

@nova: I can always count on you to do things "to the max". Thanks, Nova. Sincerely.

@Mandy: Yeah. But it's like the subplot of a David Lynch film, where he cuts unexpectedly to a scene of an olive marrying an ax murderer.

Miss Yvonne said...

I fucking KNEW you moved in across the street from me!

Beta Dad said...

I haven't seen the new site yet, but I assume you kicked off the project by challenging Roger Ebert to a cage-match. He can't bite anymore, but watch out for his roundhouse kicks.

Didactic Pirate said...

I happen to know a vast number of bloggers with "irt" names, and they all agreed that you are their King.

So I'll go check out the site now.

♫ Songbird ♫ said...

That is simply the best picture I've ever seen. I want to hang it in my living room.

Pearl said...

I'm with Songbird. That thing is suitable for framing.

Pearl

A Vapid Blonde said...

This is bull shit. I came here for baby chicks and acid rainbows and this is what I get?