Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Lord of the Flies References and Shit-painting

Maybe it seems like a good idea to you to be forced to go to a company picnic and hang out with 1000 people who you would never, ever in a billion years even say "pardon me!" to if you farted like RIGHT in their face on the bus, but that's where you are wrong because it is NOT a good idea at all. It is the opposite of a good idea. A good idea would be "Tell Kurt he's handsome." or "I think I should totally wrestle my bi-curious friend in oil because I believe in woman's rights, and it is totally within my rights to be sexy." or "There's no way Kurt would've slipped me a roofie even though I told him there's no way I'll have sex with....zzzzzzz!" All those are fantastic ideas. Especially the roofie one, because it's really hard to prove in court turns out. (*makes peace out chest fist bump*)

Also a bad idea is giving the company picnic a theme. Themes are nature's way of saying "You are the worst HR person on the planet and everyone hates you even though you totally gave us a pass on that whole "public masturbation" fiasco a while back." If a themed company picnic was stranded on a desert island with a bunch of other company picnics, the theme one is the one that gets killed by a rock while the other picnics dance around the fire chanting "Kill the Pig! Kill the Pig!"* If a themed company picnic were a tree, it would be the sort of tree that sucks and that I hate.

I think making analogies is my God-given talent.

This would have been a much cooler theme.


Also also a bad idea is to make that themed company picnic's theme be "Hippies." Because "fuck that" and also because dressing a group of people I dislike up as a group of people I despise is practically sending out invitations to a sniping at the bell-tower and then NOT inviting me, but my other sniper friends let it slip accidentally that it's happening because they get a little too drunk and then I get wide eyes looking from person to person during the uncomfortable silence that follows and one sniper-friend is all "Ummmm.." and another sniper-friend looks at his shoes and chugs his beer, and another sniper-friend is all "Maybe your invite got lost in the...." but he trails off when he sees the looks he's getting from the other sniper-friends and you realize that you are the nerd sniper-friend that invites himself to all the cool sniper parties and no one really likes you, so then you leave the party in a huff and find the car of the sniper who's having the bell-tower meeting and you take a shit right on his front seat in protest. And then you go on a three state shooting spree and kill everybody involved. That's EXACTLY what theming the company picnic "Hippies" is like to me.

And sure, maybe they did have a dunk booth for all the managers** to get in and then for a buck you get to try to knock them into the water for charity. But you know what's better than that? Shitting in the front seat of their car while they are in the dunk booth. And writing the words "Burn in Hell" on their dashboard with your feces and then pissing in the glove-box and then running away.

This totally doesn't count as an admission of guilt according to the crack legal team I have in my mind.


*Read a book, knucklehead. ps: Reading is FUN-damental!

** What is this, the State Fair from 19-ought-5? Instead of a dunk booth they should have had a JUNK booth where if somebody hits the plunger the manager gets teabagged by a sweaty hobo. I'd definitely give a dollar to Breast Cancer Research for three chances at that.

15 comments:

Moooooog35 said...

We had a 'camouflage' theme once and I stood there for HOURS but no one showed up.

Weird.

Rene/ Not The Rockefellers said...

ahhh Fuck it all...how 'bout some Fresca? Hmmm?

Rene

BugginWord said...

I hate that kind of tree, too. At least the theme wasn't "Jugaloos" right? Though I wouldn't mind throwing things at Tila Tequila.

Miss Yvonne said...

I suggested to our HR lady that our next motivational office party theme should be "your mom".

She said no.

I may or may not have spread a rumor about her sleeping with the President of the company.

Stephanie Meade Gresham said...

My husband went to a 70's party dressed as a septuagenarian. Nobody "got it".

Dolts.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

They should have done a Pimps n Hos theme. Pimps n Hos is always a good time. You have the hoochie nail painting table, and the pimp-walk contest, and everyone gets a 40.

Whatever. The pimps n' hos baby shower I hosted was really fun, that's all I know.

(True. *hangs head in shame*)

Wow, that was awkward said...

When you take shits in people's cars, I hope you get napkins out of the glove box to wipe your ass before you piss in the glove box. One time I forgot about that chronological order of events and ended up having to wipe my ass all over the back seat. Long streaks everywhere. And I had to use an old map to really get up there in the crack-ual area to tidy up. Let that be a lesson to you. Get the napkins out before you piss in the glove box!

Wynn said...

LOL! I feel the same about picnics that you "have to" attend because otherwise people would ask you for weeks after why you didn't show up, probably the same people asking several times because they don't really care and don't listen to the answer, which in turn is even more annoying than just showing up to that friggin picnic and just getting it overwith and then when someone is like "Did you see when he did that?" you can be all like "Yeah" and don't need to hear the story about the dude that did that from several sources because you can just "I was there, dude" and disconnect the annoying coworkers at lunch and enjoy your tuna salad instead.

Beta Dad said...

I'm sorry about the sniper party. I wanted to invite you, but all those other guys were threatened by your handsomeness and marksmanship.

佳張張張張燕張張張張張 said...

優質的好部落格,需要大家的支持!..................................................................

Cul-de-sac-ed said...

I kept reading "dunk booth" as "drunk booth".

R.W. Wells said...

Just going into work without the smell of patchouli and potato salad makes me wish there was a sniper in the bell tower. Just. Kill. Me!

Jules said...

Unless the company picnic's theme IS "Take Roofies and Sleep with Kurt."

Put HR on the phone.

The Holmes said...

This post pleases me to no end. Our last company outing's theme was a bunch of drunk people out on a boat, a boat out on a lake miles and miles from shore. So I guess the theme was forced partying.

Dr. Cynicism said...

This is why people at work snap and parade around with automatic weapons.