Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Dear Co-Worker. Alternate Title: "Hey Assh*le"

Dear Old Man Coworker Who Will Probably Die Tomorrow,

Look, Buddy. I get it. You hate that you've spent your whole life at this crappy dead-end job and that coming to work everyday is like choosing to sit through High School Musical again, even though you know how it ends and you totally wish Troy* would just go ahead and come out of the closet because a boy who loves singing more than basketball? Pffft! Pouf.

Yeah. Your life is totally like that scenario I know nothing about.

And I get that maybe you were kicked in the head by a mule or whatever the fuck you guys did for fun in the old-timey days, but that is no excuse for your behavior. Anyone who feels the urge to say "Are you having fun yet?" to me every single fucking time they walk past, deserves to have unspeakable horrors rained down upon them. And by "Unspeakable horrors" I mean I should pay Rosie O'Donnell to sit on your face for a week. That is probably in my budget actually. She might even do it for free if I made empty promises about "all the hot dogs you can eat".

To retort... No, I am not having fun yet. You know why. Because I haven't gutted you yet and festooned my bedchamber with your entrails. I know that sounds harsh, but I think it's "tough but fair" like how I only let your mom** out of the steamer truck once a day to bang her.

This came up when I googled "sexy granny". I can't unsee it ever.
Where is the goddamn porn filter when you need it?

Also, while you are at it, do you think maybe you could step it up a little bit. Because stroke or no stroke, you moving that slow seems like passive-aggressive bullshit to me. I don't care what your doctor says or how many times you collapse, we're trying to get some work done here. Maybe just speed it up enough so that you start to see stars and then back off for a few. According to my extensive knowledge of old people, taxing a weak heart is the best thing for it. I imagine yours looks like an old plum that's sat on the counter for too long. But I digress.

In conclusion, now I've sorta had fun, so the answer to your question is "Go fuck yourself!"

Hugs Not Drugs,
Kurt


* How did I know Zac Efron's character's name was "Troy"? Fucking magic...that's how.

**His mom would be like 1000 years old by now. I would have to bang her real gentle so her glass bones didn't shatter. If I had too hard an orgasm it would probably shoot through her like a cannonball through an old sail.***

***This is all hypothetical. So far.

26 comments:

Fred Miller said...

Glad you wrote this instead of killing something. Nice job.

Moooooog35 said...

I would totally nail that granny.*

*this is not a stretch

Jen O. said...

That tattooed old lady sure did know how to party back in the day. You can tell by how she's letting everyone see her antique baby-maker for free.

Kurt said...

@Fred: You forgot to add "yet". "Yet" is the key.

@Moooog: I seriously doubt anything on her would stretch anyway(s).

@Jen O.: I like thinking of it as an antique. Like it should be kept in a shop window next to the clothes-wringer and the super-hard-to-push button typewriter.

justsomethoughts... said...

matchless stuff.
and i'm not sure that the porn filter would have helped you there.

BeckEye said...

I have a real fondness for senior citizens, but this post still made me laugh until my teeth damn near fell out. And mine are real.

Pearl said...

I LOLed.

Note to Self: Must use the word "festoon" today.

Pearl

flutter said...

my grandmother is going to be PISSED that she didn't sign a release for that picture

Cul-de-sac-ed said...

Regardless of the fun you may or may not be having, don't forget to put the cover on the TPS report

R.W. Wells said...

Although my brain is permanently tattooed with the image of pole dancing granny and will never be able to unsee it, I'd rather have her sitting on my face for a week than Rosie O'Donnell.

Miss Yvonne said...

A cannonball through an old sail...

Your analogies are getting so good, I kind of feel like I'm back in school again. And you're my Analogy 101 teacher and all the girls think you are hot in that weird-face-and-glasses way and all the guys talk about how gay you are because they are secretly scared you are boning their girlfriends, which you totally are. And also their moms.

Miss Yvonne said...

A cannonball through an old sail...

Your analogies are getting so good, I kind of feel like I'm back in school again. And you're my Analogy 101 teacher and all the girls think you are hot in that weird-face-and-glasses way and all the guys talk about how gay you are because they are secretly scared you are boning their girlfriends, which you totally are. And also their moms.

Miss Yvonne said...

See? It was so good, I had to post about it twice.

Beta Dad said...

Some people think you are really crude, vulgar, and mean. But look--you covered up granny's naughty bits and didn't even ask for any recognition for that courtesy. Let me be the first to thank you.

Jules said...

You watched "High School Musical...."

Sarah P said...

A practical question: Is Rosie O'Donnell a squirter?

Mark Price said...

I think its weird that your Analogy 101 students moms are banging their girlfriends. Wait did I screw that up?

Patricia ~ The Naked Writer said...

when i worked in an office, i always hated the 'are we having fun yet' old ladies who only said that cause they hated my guts and couldn't think of anything better to say....but then after a few years of constant, 'good morning, how are you' and then praying they wouldn't answer cause who the fuck cares, i just needed something to come up with because we locked eyes and short of making out with each other, there wasn't anything comfortable at all about the hall way trips to the photocopy machine and then, i started to become the are we having fun chick...cause the only response is yes, no or that quizzical look that says are you an inbred fucktard? problem solved now i always ask are we having fun yet cuase i know i wil never get an answer i am unprepared for! so rain your unspeakble horrors down upon me...i bet rosie odonnel tastes like big mac sauce :o)

IT IS ALLY said...

Tee hee, 'stroke or no stroke.'


ALWAYS GO WITH STROKE

The Holmes said...

With so many of my coworkers, I am perfectly happy to have nothing but stone cold silence between us. Any communications that we need to do for work purposes can go through email. Nice beautiful silence. That sounds fun.

Cookie Monster in Therapy said...

I googled sexy granny after reading this. Now you have become my 'are we having fun yet' asshole. Thanks.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Uh oh. My vagina ree-awws when I stand like that too. So...that's NOT a good thing?

The tattoos and the private bits are bad, but Granny's sensible pumps are the kicker, really. She should be the next spokeswoman for Easy Spirit shoes. "Looks like a pump, feeeels like a sneaker!"

Dr. Cynicism said...

Have I just run across my new favorite blog? Perhaps yes. Co-workers for the WIN! Do neighbors next! :-)

A Vapid Blonde said...

I am surprised that that little donkey braying strip could actually cover up the beef curtains that are hanging around down there.

But hey, I wouldn't know.

Also, maybe denture glue has them all secured up and shit.

~OMNOMneko~ said...

@Cul-de-sac-ed oh lawdy. I lol'd hard!! Office Space FTW!!
Also, this post made me feel all jelly-like on my insidey parts. :3

Jen O. said...

I like what you've done with the place.
...
...
Yeah, you shouldn't let Becky touch stuff anymore.