Thursday, June 3, 2010

Scientists Conclude The End Of The World Is Boobies. Declare State of Awesomeness.

If I had a choice of apocalypses... I mean if I had to pick one way in which the entire human race would be wiped out. I would want it to be a boobie apocalypse, because boobies are awesome and comforting and fun to look at and that's way better than raining fire or a plague of bugs or everyone touches your mom where her bathing suit covers and gets Super-Herpes like in The Stand. Boobies are God's way of saying "Hey! Check out HER rack!" and I'm pretty sure it talks about the divinity of Boobs in that one book of the Bible that no one talks about because it was written by that one guy from Babylon or San Diego or wherever who just thought everyone should just loosen up. So I would like to make my case for the Breastmageddon now, and if you can think of a better way to die then by all means feel free to mention it in the comments*

Why Boobies are better than other end of the world scenarios:

1) Dinosaurs - While we can all agree that a dinosaur Armageddon would be cool to watch, the fact is that there would just have to be SO many predators running around to eat everyone that there is a good chance you would die just by getting stepped on. If I'm getting killed by a rampaging dinosaur, I sure as fuck better get eaten. If a dinosaur steps on you, I'm pretty sure you go to Shame Heaven. For me it's disembowelment and devouring or nothing. Call me old fashioned. It should be pointed out that a boob never accidentally stepped on anyone, or at least if it did that person isn't complaining.

2) Vikings - While Viking Armageddon means getting to use lots of words with silent "j"s in them, one thing it doesn't do is have pretty nipples to tweak. If you ever tried to tweak a Viking you'd end up with an axe in your junk and i think we can all agree that if I have to die, it's for the betterment of future societies that their anthropologists are able to study my wang in it's natural (ie: awesome), uncut-up form. They would be all "My God! This specimen had the most awesome wang!Judging by all the lady skeletons in the area, I can tell that they totally had orgasms all over the place all day, and it was all thanks to this guy and he totally didn't ever play Dungeons and Dragons in high school or get caught digging through the cafeteria garbage with his Mom in 8th grade looking for his retainer. No. This guy was raw sexual energy. Don't touch his bones or you'll get pregnant." What does this have to do with Vikings? I'm glad you asked.

3) I'm already bored with this post and let's face it once you've had boobies and dinosaurs and Vikings, it's all gonna be "let's see if I can really stretch this into a full post" bullshit like The Roofie Apocalypse, or the "Coming In your Sock-pocalypse" where everyone dies from chronic masturbation, or the terrible Eel Apocalypse which I've totally been trying to warn everyone about, and just because I tell you something in the middle of a mall and smell like Sloe Gin Fizzes and maybe I'm a little "loosey-goosey" with the belt on my bathrobe... that doesn't mean it's not true. Anyway(s)...I need a sandwich so let's not beat this to death anymore than I have to.


18 comments:

Jules said...

I think you left out zombies....

Moooooog35 said...

You can die from chronic masturbation?!?!?!?

The end, I fear, is nigh.

Spot said...

You did leave out Zombies and I'm really dissapointed. There was not penis-pocalypse either. Damn your ADD.

♥Spot

Sara said...

Penis-pocalypse would be fun. But people would probably get poked in the eye a lot...

broken silences said...

Excuse me Mr. Hefner, can you point me in the direction of the Sloe Gin Fizzes, my eel needs one too? Please and Thank you!

The Vegetable Assassin said...

I just have one question. How exactly would boobies be the demise of anything? Would they be giant bouncing boobies, wheeling down from above to smother us all in our sleep, or crush us like that one chick on YouTube who can crush beer cans with her bazoombas? I need to know if I have to reinforce my roof.

BeckEye said...

I think a Swedish Fish apocalypse would be nice. You know, there's never a warning when you're eating them that you've gone too far. It's like, you're eating fish, you're happy, you're violently ill. So, maybe everyone will just keep eating them until we all explode.

Also, don't Vikings have naked women with their boobies prominently displayed carved into the fronts of their boats? Just giving you something to think about before you hastily dismiss the Viking apocalypse.

Sarah P said...

You're uncut?

Soooo ... this is a gentile Armageddon, I take it ...

Miss Yvonne said...

I know for a fact that you cannot die from chronic masturbation. I know this on account of living with a teenage son. Although his socks could probably knock a person unconscious if they were hit in the head with one of them. I know what you're thinking and yes, I AM the lucky one who gets to wash his laundry.

熙辰 said...

Two heads are better than one. ............................................................

D415_evonN_Risinger0 said...

在莫非定律中有項笨蛋定律:「一個組織中的笨蛋,恆大於等於三分之二。」...........................................................................

A Vapid Blonde said...

Or maybe a boozombiacolypse...you get chicks with boobs who have no soul and will eat you and your girlfriend a la menage-a-trois...a win win for all in my opinion.

SumSum said...

i don't believe it's the boobs we should fear but the areola is the true murderous bastard...

Living Shallow, Living Well said...

This is why I end up spending $65 on a bra at Victoria's Secret- because everybody digs boobs.

AlysiaDraeger0417永瑞 said...

Better late than never...................................................

Carolyn...Online said...

Sorry, I got distracted by Miss Yvonne's comment and now I need to go take a shower.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I like the regular old armageddon. That's the end of days that happens when millions of arms fly in and eat all our crops, right? The one that Def Leppard sang about in "Armageddon it"? That they wrote after their drummer lost his arm to the arm armageddon? I think I fell asleep five minutes ago. Applesauce.

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