Wednesday, May 5, 2010

A Wish That My Heart Makes. (*armpit fart*)

Now I don't know about you, but my favorite thing to hear about is other people's dreams! What an exciting adventure THAT always is! Because often times...REALLY WEIRD SHIT HAPPENS!!! Here is my synopsis of any dream that's ever been told to me ever ever in history of the whole universe:

"So it starts out and I'm in this [WEIRD PLACE] (abandoned mall/ shopping cart/ giant vagina/ etc...) and there's this [WEIRD POSSIBLY SYMBOLIC THING] (talking donkey/ giant white asparagus / fire-breathing penis / Keanu Reeves) and then...."

That's usually about as far as I get. Then I start to wonder if I need to pick up some new underwear because unless I'm mistaken I can feel jeans on my testicles but I can't really check now because this person is still talking about this stupid dream shit and Hey! I wonder if I can still hold my breath for a whole minute if I only allow exhales and no inhales? This would be a good time to train. Uh-oh..I better say something...


"And THEN we go to [ANOTHER WEIRD PLACE] and guess who's there? [SURPRISING PERSON] (dead relative / Danny Glover as Roger Murtough in Lethal Weapon 2 where he's about to get exploded on the toilet/ Your Mom having sex with four members of Parliament.)..."

So all THAT nonsense was a lead in to this exciting post where I talk about a dream I just had during a micro-nap, which is pretty much just like a regular nap only sexier. And the only thing I had time for in this nap was a sentence. So already I'm going to one-up all you dream-telling posers because my dream is short and to the point and doesn't have any symbolism at all because it's just a voice saying these words:

"You mean, if I had stuck this banana-cream pie down my pants, we wouldn't have crashed?"

Aaaaand SCENE!

As you can see, my psyche, like my calf-muscles, is highly efficient and let's me do all my sub-conscious navel-gazing while I'm AWAKE! Why a BANANA cream pie? Is that code for "semen"? (I'm pretty sure that's code for semen.) What was crashing? A plane? The Stock market? My flagging belief in the possibility that I will one day be infected with nano-robots and become super-strong? Maybe the most interesting part of this whole thing is... (*snore*).

This is what I get when I google searched "pie in the balls" because I wanted an old-timey vaudeville, ha-cha-cha-chaaa! picture to go along with this post:

I think they are playing cricket, but I don't even fucking want to know. All I know is that all Brits are secret perverts. Now that may sound minimalist and racist, but look at my winning smile and my kind eyes. Case closed.


Jen O. said...

That would have been such a fucking waste of perfectly good pie. When I watch people throw pies in other people's faces, I get so angry I want to HULKSMASH things all over the place, because there's nothing in this world more beautiful and precious and delicious than pie. Smashing pies into people's faces and crotches and stuff is a fucking crime against humanity and should be punishable by death.

I'm hungry.

That Baldy Fella said...

I resent the implication that we're secret perverts. Most of our perversions are aired very publicly indeed.
P.S. Cricket is what happens when you translate the dictionary definition of "utter boredom" into a sport.

Jen O. said...

And, yes, I do realize that I was talking about "eating pie" an awful lot and the possible repercussions of such actions. Don't care. Too hungry. Do with it what you will.

Sarah P said...

Last week, I spent a 20-minute car ride in one of those dazes after which you don't really remember driving the last 20 minutes, because the whole time I was trying to come up with some sort of good joke connection between having a vestigial tail and using a pickup line involving encouraging someone to taste your "primordial soup."
You're weirder.

Miss Yvonne said...

This post reminds me of this dream I had this one time where I was eating a donut.

That's it. I was eating a donut. Probably because donuts are awesome.

Beta Dad said...

Sorry, I couldn't get past "banana-cream pie."

Did I ever tell you about when I pistol-whipped Rutger Hauer while I was installing a Jenn-Aire range? I don't remember if it was a dream or not.

kate said...

Man, I hate it when I dream about white asparagus in giant vaginas being eaten by Roger Murtough. It's like you're in my head or something.

Megs said...

Eh. I only want to hear about other people's dreams if I'm in them.

I don't need a dream interpretation manual to tell me that means I'm self-centered. Fortunately, I'm just self-centered enough not to care.

The Quizzical Observer said...

Oy, colonial upstart, how dare you?

OK, you got us. But trust me, those pads feel good.

I love your blog. Not in any kind of, you know, moist way, you understand, but I feel I'd enjoy turning my arm over on a medium-quick wicket with you at the crease with an aggressive field set, eight wickets down, four overs to go, umpires checking the light.

Middle and leg? Half-inch back, that's it.

BugginWord said...

Too bad it wasn't banana pudding instead. I think nilla wafers would be amusing betwixt balls. I said betwixt. Heh.

Wow, that was awkward said...

Two of your blogs in a row where I'm barely paying attention to what your wrote. I couldn't figure out how to get to your profile to see if you have email, so I had to leave you a message here. Hope its okay I pimped/linked to you in my blog.

(I really do read them)

The Naked Writer said...

OMG! I am so glad i found your shit! Uh, thanks to wowthatsawkward for pimping out your site on his site or i may never have had the pleasure of reading this awesomeness i see before me! GGOOOOOOOOD JOB! You are one funny MOFO me likey! (i don't know why i just wrote that, i am not retarded i swear, it's just really fucking late!) ok enough about that now i SHOULD go to bed and was totally going to after i finished reading awkwards post but now i think i am going to have to stay up till like 5 am stalking all your articles cause your words makes me gush warm chocolate popsicles out my bum! umm not really but it's a funny scene in my brain right now
thanks for the great post

maybe you wanna laugh (or not) at my's adult cartoon humour you'll love it cause it rocks!
i like to hook up with people who share the same sense of funnies as i do!
ok, bye

Robert the Skeptic said...

I recently came to the horrible realization that my dreams are more interesting then my real life! I need to go to bed earlier.

Bridget Callahan said...

Crashed what?

It seems important.

偉子生誠 said...

how do u do?................................................................

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Man, those foreign commenters and their pretty blue line of dots. Never again, Asian spam. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, I don't know what. Fool me four times, mind your own business. *locks self in room*