Friday, May 7, 2010

The Origin of the Feces. (Title NOT Relevant to Post.)

If you're like me than you understand a couple of things. 1) We look fucking awesome in boxer briefs as long as you put the mirror on the floor and lean it against the wall so our junk looks huge but our belly is 1000 miles away. 2) We HAVE to find the answers to the important questions. 3) We want a Fluffernutter© sandwich REALLY hard right now.

It's the second point I'd like to undress*, because I am a steadfast dedicated researcher into all things internet, so I'm pretty much the Woodward and Bernstein of "Your Mom" jokes and while I was trying to decide what the hell I was going to write today I figured the best thing to do would be to type words like "Hysterical Puppy-Dog Blood-Thirsty T-Rex" into Google and see what's what. The only thing that came up though was a picture of a Pug dressed like Princess Leia and not even the hot bikini one. Prudes Something really disgusting and manly, like someone eating a raw steak with their fingers at a bullfight while frenching a dwarf with herpes or something** that I'm totally NOT making up, so instead I decided to type in "What's what" but I didn't get that far because Auto-fill did THIS to me when I started to type...

That's like the most carefully guarded secret in the whole world forever!! Jesus!! What seedy back-alley of the internet have I stumbled into? Am I a National Security Risk like Will Smith in Enemy of the State. Oh HELLLL, No!

So now I have a "The Lady and The Tiger" type choice to make. Do I click through and see a million pictures of used tampons or do I just go make myself that sandwich? They say knowing is half the battle. But maybe sandwiches are the other half and not looking at bloody maxipads is another half and maybe adorable kittens are another half. It's all so hard to say. I have a sneak suspicion though, that knowing is half the battle of Little Big Horn as far as Lady Periods go, and it's the INDIAN half***!

I should have stuck to my original topic is my point.

Help me Obi-Wan Kennel-obi! You're my only hope!!! (*punches self in the junk*)

Life Lesson: Go read me at Mama Pop. Top scientists all agree that I should stop quoting them about what they agree on. And also that I'm the most handsome man ever.

*HAHAHAHA!! See? It's a play on words! Instead of ADdress, I said UNdress!! Where did I put that slide whistle and my "ha-cha-cha-cha!!"hat?

**Being a dwarf is manly, not disgusting...just to clarify. Because they get all surly from a lifetime of being made fun of. Something I can gladly say, I never do unless I feel like it.

***HUGE props should be given to me for not using the word "redskin" anywhere at all in that analogy. I'm very in tune with cultural and vaginal sensitivities.


Jen O. said...

Wait a minute, there buddy. Why are you allowed to punch yourself in the nuts, but I'm not? 'Cause I totally wanted to punch you in the nuts right there for making me think of bloody maxipads but instead I punched you in the arm. And THAT was not nearly as satisfying.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I like how you used the word "maxipads". I haven't heard that in a while. "Maxipads" is the Commodore 64 of feminine hygiene.

SOMEONE'S been reading up on his Judy Blume. Are you there, God? It's me, your mom.

A Vapid Blonde said... is the only thing that comes to mind right now.

Wow, that was awkward said...

Thanks for clarifying the title had little to do with the post, practically forcing me to read the actual blog. Glad I did cuz I love reading about bloody clumpy (thx a lot vapid blonde) stuff.

Beta Dad said...

I have a baby on my lap and she made growly noises at the picture of the pug. She was scared of the soiled sanitary napkins though. (I continued the research where you pussed out.)

kate said...

Wait, what IS a hobnocker? Excuse me, but I've apparently got some googling to do.

Miss Yvonne said...

Your mom is auto-filled.

*exploding fist bump*

Boo ya.

*sideways finger peace sign*

Robert the Skeptic said...

The allure of boxer shorts eludes me completely. There is no support for the "goods" there so what is the point of wearing them at all? Bikini briefs at least show what you're packin'.

The Naked Writer said...

Hey there! I just thought I would let you know that I have awarded your blog for the I love your Blog award. Even if you already have received this award, please note that I have included the 'I love your blog again' award for your particular brand of awesomeness!
I know it's no 'pedophile' award but I had to salute you, my guru of funny!

To see what I wrote about you and your blog, check out

Thanks for being awesome and inspiring me to blog better!

I would of sent this to an email addy for you but i couldn't find your about me page ;o(

The Naked Writer ~

Moooooog35 said...

That Princess Leia dog is amazing.

Is anyone else here horny?

It's just me, isn't it.

God, I need to learn when to stop typing my thoughts.

Sarah P said...

"I'm very in tune with cultural and vaginal sensitivities."

Yeah. Tell that to my Mexican nanny and her scorching clap.

ae1f5c36-4c6c-11e0-9de4-000f20980440 said...

So...What does a boy's period look like?