I saw a movie last weekend called Sliding Doors and I was all "Bony Gweneth Paltrow, don't worry! You'll find love!" but then everything in the movie, which I thought was new-ish looked dated and from the 90s, and it had the old Miramax logo before the titles, and Miramax just went out of business, so what the fuck, World? Has everyone been hiding this movie from me? Why wasn't I told about it? Is it a backhand allegory about my life and everyone was afraid to tell me? It totally was. I see it now. Anorexic Gweneth Paltrow is my ego and unless I feed it, it's going to wither and die and get cheated on by an obnoxious British guy. No wait. My feelings are that guy from "The Mummy Returns" and they are sensitive because we used to be in interesting indie films instead of more bullshit with Brandon Fraser. I totally get metaphors, is my point.
I'm a big supporter of science most of the time, and I've spent the last half hour trying to demonstrate that support by coming up with a funny analogy about the G-spot, and how it's like trying to find a ghost with a dog whistle and a metal detector, and how without scientists telling us that there is one, the myth of the G-spot would not be perpetuated and men would not have a better shot of getting humped because finding that thing is like looking for a needle in a haystack but the haystack is a vagina. But I couldn't find a good way to word that analogy. So instead I just explained it. Man... All this and handsome too...
Anyway(s), I just read an article where the people who make Tasers© paid a company to get sheep high on Crystal Meth and then tase them to see what happens. I could've save them a ton of time. The result is a bunch of fucked-up, confused sheep. If I was a sheep, I would be the sexiest one and I'd get raped by the creepy farm-hand all the time. That doesn't have anything to do with Tasers© or meth, but I think we can all agree I'm glad I'm not a sheep. I think they were trying to prove you can't kill a junkie by tasing them. And we all know sheep = junkie to science. Rats are normal people and sheep are junkies. Think about it.
So I guess the point of the study is to prove that doing drugs makes you immortal. Nice job Taser©. Like I needed ANOTHER reason to do Meth.
*This is the only drug lingo I know and probably super-current, so if you haven't heard it yet go do some drugs and wait. But not if you're a kid. Kids should just say "No", because drugs are like a sheep being tasered only in a bad way.
PS: Go read my article at Mama Pop after 1pm EST today FOR SURE! It's about a movie called Big Tits Zombie in 3D. It's my job to elevate independent cinema, but it is my LIFE'S WORK to talk about boobies. Don't let me down.