Friday, April 16, 2010

Sometimes Writing Is NOT the Answer.

I was going to write a post about weight loss because HAHAHAHAHA! Right? Oh brother, is it hard to lose weight! And then I would revolutionalize the internet because dieting is one thing no one ever writes about, so I'm like the Christopher Columbus of blogging, except without the cool hat and the historically inaccurate credit for something I didn't do. But then I thought about it and the idea just seemed silly because in order to lose weight I have to have "unwanted pounds", and I think we can all agree that the only unwanted pounds I have are probably on someone else standing next to me and making me look less handsome. I wish people would think about these things before they leave the house.

***
I saw a movie last weekend called Sliding Doors and I was all "Bony Gweneth Paltrow, don't worry! You'll find love!" but then everything in the movie, which I thought was new-ish looked dated and from the 90s, and it had the old Miramax logo before the titles, and Miramax just went out of business, so what the fuck, World? Has everyone been hiding this movie from me? Why wasn't I told about it? Is it a backhand allegory about my life and everyone was afraid to tell me? It totally was. I see it now. Anorexic Gweneth Paltrow is my ego and unless I feed it, it's going to wither and die and get cheated on by an obnoxious British guy. No wait. My feelings are that guy from "The Mummy Returns" and they are sensitive because we used to be in interesting indie films instead of more bullshit with Brandon Fraser. I totally get metaphors, is my point.

***
I'm a big supporter of science most of the time, and I've spent the last half hour trying to demonstrate that support by coming up with a funny analogy about the G-spot, and how it's like trying to find a ghost with a dog whistle and a metal detector, and how without scientists telling us that there is one, the myth of the G-spot would not be perpetuated and men would not have a better shot of getting humped because finding that thing is like looking for a needle in a haystack but the haystack is a vagina. But I couldn't find a good way to word that analogy. So instead I just explained it. Man... All this and handsome too...

Anyway(s), I just read an article where the people who make Tasers© paid a company to get sheep high on Crystal Meth and then tase them to see what happens. I could've save them a ton of time. The result is a bunch of fucked-up, confused sheep. If I was a sheep, I would be the sexiest one and I'd get raped by the creepy farm-hand all the time. That doesn't have anything to do with Tasers© or meth, but I think we can all agree I'm glad I'm not a sheep. I think they were trying to prove you can't kill a junkie by tasing them. And we all know sheep = junkie to science. Rats are normal people and sheep are junkies. Think about it.

DUDE!!! WTF!!! Why are you harshing my mellow!!*



So I guess the point of the study is to prove that doing drugs makes you immortal. Nice job Taser©. Like I needed ANOTHER reason to do Meth.

*This is the only drug lingo I know and probably super-current, so if you haven't heard it yet go do some drugs and wait. But not if you're a kid. Kids should just say "No", because drugs are like a sheep being tasered only in a bad way.

PS: Go read my article at Mama Pop after 1pm EST today FOR SURE! It's about a movie called Big Tits Zombie in 3D. It's my job to elevate independent cinema, but it is my LIFE'S WORK to talk about boobies. Don't let me down.

13 comments:

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I think it's admirable that you treat all your pounds equally. You love the fat pounds same as the vital organ pounds same as the bone pounds. You've already got your comment back written in your head, don't you? I make it too easy.

Soda and Candy said...

I can't stop laughing at that meth-addicted, tased sheep. "WTF?!"

Beta Dad said...

Losing weight is easy! I lost 15 lbs in a week by re-roofing my friend's house while jacked up on pseudoephed. (Because I had a cold; not because it turned me into a ruthlessly efficient, sculpted and striated roofing machine. I probably didn't even realize pseudoephed is the main ingredient in meth.) You should try the roofer's diet if you ever change your mind about the "extra" pounds. I hardly even lost any teeth when I did it!

Captain Dumbass said...

I'm going to have nightmares about that fucked up crazy eyed sheep.

Pam said...

Then keep well away from the 'Black Sheep' movie it's a still from, Dumbass, or you'll never sleep again. Sometimes there are disadvantages to living in New Zealand, Land of the Big White Sheep, where my share of the national flock is about eight of the slavering beasts.

Jen O. said...

Great. And now I'm afraid of sheep.

Sarah P said...

The penis mostly is made up of erectile tissue. FACT. I read it in a beauty magazine yesterday while waiting for my hair cut.

You know what the Monty Python boys always say!*

*Reference to 90s movie referencing Monty Python = I'm awesome.

Chelle said...

I'm sorry, that movie is not actually an allegory of your life. The allegory of your life/blog is the movie, "Bullshot".

Here is a link. Watch the entire thing, ideally watch it stoned.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Swr3PhPEnbg

That's it. Get stoned and go watch it now. Even if you only have benedryl and wine.

Ed said...

The g-spot is real.




Oh wait...I forgot the rest of that sentence....need to add "hard to find" on the end.

miss. chief said...

Haha, oh weight loss, I've never read a blog about you before.

I was going to say something about the g-spot but I typed "g-spit" by accident (Freudian slip?) and now I just can't take it seriously.

Irish Gumbo said...

That sheep pic is harshin' my mellow...aaaiiiggghhhh!

A Vapid Blonde said...

I am pretty sure I know that sheep. I used to work with him. His name is Josh. Really very sad what became of him...got off meth and went straight to crack. Totally a different kind of high.

婷妏 said...

笑口常開~~天天開心........................................