I was just practicing my Tourette's Syndrome impression in case I decide to go to any parties this weekend where no one knows me**, because nothing breaks the ice at a boring-ass
wake quiet party like an uninvited guest who runs in screaming profanities and racial slurs***. The trick is the barking. I like to add extra barks just so I seem legit. It's like my calling card or my DNA at that stupid crime scene from SIX years ago. God. Who knew semen decomposed so slowly? (besides your mom) Anyway(s), I was practicing my barking and swearing when a co-worker walked by behind me and I had to do a quick cover-up, so I pretended I had just hit myself in the thumb accidentally. And the thing I said I hit it with was a "filthy asshole bitch fuck cunt". I'm pretty sure they bought it.
Moral: In conclusion, this is a picture of the best party in the world:
*Turns out I DID write about it. You're welcome. This post is like hard-hitting news that touches the heart AND informs. I'm expecting a call from the Pulitzer people any day now.
**Some people call it "crashing" a party, but it's my contention that the ONLY reason I wasn't invited is because they don't know me, so Quid Pro Quo, I go anyway(s). I'LL decide whether or not I'm invited places, thank you very much!
*** The only better way to break the ice is a good old-fashioned tickle fight. Now the rules change depending on
the circumstances of how the deceased parted this Mortal Coil how uptight the family is, but in general you want to single out an old lady in a wheelchair or the one Aunt who's totally tanked on Mimosas. They always laugh the best. Nanas because they so rarely get groped, and drunk Aunts because they're whores.