Nothing "Hot for" ever happens to me at work and I'm starting to think it's a vast conspiracy where strippers are being kept from me because just being near me gets them pregnant on account of how virile and manly I am. There's no scientific fact that that's true, but I think we can all agree it probably is. (*sips cognac*)
When "Hot for Teacher" came out in 1984, I was a pubescent boy and that doesn't mean I smelled like pubic hair, it turns out. It means I wanted a girlfriend super-hard. What exactly I would do with said girlfriend remained a mystery but I was fairly sure it had something to do with boobies, and if my cousin was to be believed, safe sex. ("safe" in this case equals "anal", because that way you were safe from getting her pregnant. Thanks for the Helpful Tip, Rob!)
So here comes Van Halen... all teachers in miniskirts and low-cut tops showing off their cans in strobe-light while guitars wail and I was pretty sure at that point, the rest of my life was going to be a string of exciting adventures where girls throw off their clothes and then something, something boner exploding. The details were unimportant. All that mattered was that promise of a life of naked frolicking. Thank YOU, Mr. Halen!
So now I'm almost forty and I have yet to have one "hot for" moment, and I'm thinking of taking David Lee Roth to Porn Court for making promises he couldn't keep. And maybe you think there's no such thing as Porn Court, but I assure you, I wish there was. I'd be an ace attorney, I bet. During cross-examination, I'd be all "Clearly, I can see your nuts." and then I would honk my Ahh-OOOGA-Horn and someone in the jury box could do a rim-shot*. But back to topic... where I currently work, I don't even WANT to see these people doing walk-down-the-table-with-jiggle-boobs because they are mostly old and the lyrics would be all "Got it bad, got it bad, got it bad. Cirrhosis of the Liver!" and it would just be gross. Yuck.
Even worse is seeing googly-boobs at work doesn't even interest me. While I was thinking about this post, I tried to figure out what I'm really "hot for". Here's what I came up with:
1. Got it bad, got it bad, got it bad. I'm Hot for Schadenfreude.
2.Got it bad, got it bad, got it bad. I'm Hot for Dinosaurs.
3. Got it bad, got it bad, got it bad. I'm Hot for a nice warm lunch.
4. Got it bad, got it bad, got it bad. I'm Hot for feigning interest.
That's just sad. I wish googly-boobs were still a priority.
*Not to be mistaken for "rim-job" which has to do with tires, I think**.
**Just googled "rim-job" and now the IT department wants to talk to me. I wonder why?***
*** I know why know.