Tuesday, April 6, 2010

I Hope Van Halen Has Diplomatic Immunity

Nothing "Hot for" ever happens to me at work and I'm starting to think it's a vast conspiracy where strippers are being kept from me because just being near me gets them pregnant on account of how virile and manly I am. There's no scientific fact that that's true, but I think we can all agree it probably is. (*sips cognac*)

When "Hot for Teacher" came out in 1984, I was a pubescent boy and that doesn't mean I smelled like pubic hair, it turns out. It means I wanted a girlfriend super-hard. What exactly I would do with said girlfriend remained a mystery but I was fairly sure it had something to do with boobies, and if my cousin was to be believed, safe sex. ("safe" in this case equals "anal", because that way you were safe from getting her pregnant. Thanks for the Helpful Tip, Rob!)

So here comes Van Halen... all teachers in miniskirts and low-cut tops showing off their cans in strobe-light while guitars wail and I was pretty sure at that point, the rest of my life was going to be a string of exciting adventures where girls throw off their clothes and then something, something boner exploding. The details were unimportant. All that mattered was that promise of a life of naked frolicking. Thank YOU, Mr. Halen!

So now I'm almost forty and I have yet to have one "hot for" moment, and I'm thinking of taking David Lee Roth to Porn Court for making promises he couldn't keep. And maybe you think there's no such thing as Porn Court, but I assure you, I wish there was. I'd be an ace attorney, I bet. During cross-examination, I'd be all "Clearly, I can see your nuts." and then I would honk my Ahh-OOOGA-Horn and someone in the jury box could do a rim-shot*. But back to topic... where I currently work, I don't even WANT to see these people doing walk-down-the-table-with-jiggle-boobs because they are mostly old and the lyrics would be all "Got it bad, got it bad, got it bad. Cirrhosis of the Liver!" and it would just be gross. Yuck.

Even worse is seeing googly-boobs at work doesn't even interest me. While I was thinking about this post, I tried to figure out what I'm really "hot for". Here's what I came up with:

1. Got it bad, got it bad, got it bad. I'm Hot for Schadenfreude.
2.Got it bad, got it bad, got it bad. I'm Hot for Dinosaurs.
3. Got it bad, got it bad, got it bad. I'm Hot for a nice warm lunch.
4. Got it bad, got it bad, got it bad. I'm Hot for feigning interest.

This is what comes up if you Google "Hot For Dinosaurs". They're like kittens!


That's just sad. I wish googly-boobs were still a priority.


*Not to be mistaken for "rim-job" which has to do with tires, I think**.
**Just googled "rim-job" and now the IT department wants to talk to me. I wonder why?***
*** I know why know.

19 comments:

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

One time my teacher lost a button on her turtleneck-blouse and everyone could see a patch of her decolletage. It was scandalous. That's Catholic school's version of a hot for teacher moment.

Ed said...

Sadly, the Ahh-OOOGA-Horn is a widely forgotten instrument of comedic timing. Great of you to put it to use in this new century.

googly-boobs....fun to say.....makes me have googly eyes just thinking about them.

Sara said...

Sensual boob honking. That's all I needed to see in the tag section, and I was ready to go!

Wow, that was awkward said...

When I was in school, I don't even remember any teachers that were remotely hot. They all seemed so old. I mean, there was sexytimes bliss for Mrs. Bliss the 80 year old teacher, but that was about it. Ha. Now I see my kids' teachers and I come home cranking Van Halen baby!

Jen O. said...

I was hot for a couple of my teachers, but I never once saw any of their junk. Fucking bullshit.

HappyHourSue said...

OMG I was so so so so hot for David lee Roth in the 80's. I was so sure that if he met me in person he would be all "What am i DOING with these endless supermodel stippers?" and then he would marry me and I would go on the road with them but he'd come home right after the gigs and watch TV with me.

That is a true story.

Beta Dad said...

My sixth grade teacher was so freakin hot! Whenever she erased the chalkboard, I was all "uuuuhhhhh..." Her husband was a rock 'n' roll promoter who got me in to see Elton John in Moscow. (He also exposed himself to my sister, which wasn't so cool.) So I dedicated myself to becoming a rock star so I could bag chicks like my teacher. It paid off a lot in seventh grade, but the returns diminished thereafter and dwindled off to nothing by the time I was twenty. So weak.

Logical Libby said...

I'm hot for naps and box wine. I guess I could feign interest in being hot for feigning interest.

Sarah said...

Are googly boobs like googly eyes stuck on the nipples of boobs?!

That sounds like an awesome idea.

I kind of want to do it and go on ChatRoulette, so I can be all "What? You want to see my tits? Googly-googly-boing, suckas!"

Homemaker Man said...

I married a teacher in great part due to that song. Oh those tight, tight hair buns.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

So it *is* true about men never growing up...

Sting sang about a teacher getting too close to the students. I guess that's not the same thing at all as the Van Halen song, but pretty much the opposite. Which might be just as good, but probably isn't. I'll go now.

Vic said...

got it bad, got it bad, got it bad, I'm hot for jelly beans.

Someone please get them out of my house.

You make-a me laugh.

Miss Yvonne said...

I'm pretty sure Rob hung out with one of my boyfriends in high school. I knew he couldn't have come up with that anal stuff all on his own.

Pearl said...

I'm hot for a nice warm lunch. :-) I'm not sure why, but that cracked me up.

Sigh. So much has changed since 14...

Pearl

Megs said...

If anyone ever saw any of my teachers boobs it was because they were peaking below the hem of her blouse.

Lanned said...

Perhaps you work in the wrong place. Quit your job and go to work in a strip club or brothel...lots of jiggly boobies there.

miss. chief said...

One time my teacher was hot for me, woah, I just flipped your whole blog post around to make myself sound hot. But anyway he was a little troll and I got a good grade by leaning on a desk one time so that was awesome.

Chelle said...

I'm hot for my tattoo healing up so that I don't look like I have a near fatal case of wrist-psoriasis. I'm also pretty hot for someone else doing my chores. If they wanted to do them under strobe lights with electric guitars, then fine. I would also settle for them doing my chores if they are 80 and can only eat pureed rice. I'm not choosy. I secretly kind hope it will be a hybrid of the two.

I'm going to hide behind my couch and wait to see if it happens.

A Vapid Blonde said...

I just realized in your followers up there on the right I am friends with my self...and that I am following you twice.

I am creepy.