Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Tough Love

Dear Shadow,

Look Tubby...I think we need to have a talk because you're really letting yourself go and you used to be so tall and pointy and now you're kinda rounder and bulgey in the middle and maybe you don't have the same super-fast metabolism as me, because Buddy? You've got some junk in your trunk. Which is code for "fat ass" in case that wasn't clear. I mean the only way I'm able to maintain this virile, svelte physique (which is like THE BEST almost-alliteration ever for people who are at home and keeping score of what great writers do. That was the literary equivalent of a double-lindy backflip with a two and a half twist dismount or something. I also stuck the landing and boinked the Russian judge backstage before my routine. Result: a perfect 10) is by my constant regiment of eating Pop-Tarts and playing Wii bowling and doing hard pelvic thrusts any time I agree with someone. You must be slacking, Shadow. And chicks hate slackers, except for that dirty guy in Reality Bites. And even then, it only counts in the 90s, so you totally need a time machine to be a hip slacker, Shadow.

I don't want to be all judgey and finger-pointy, because believe me Shadow, I've had single-underpants weeks before. I KNOW what it's like to live off the stuff you've spilled on your bathrobe even though it might be chicken grease and contain salmonella but who even cares because your life is an empty hole. But you have to rise above it. You have to remember that you can't evade store detectives if you aren't able to run, and you wont be able to run if you are carrying all those extra shadow-pounds. I even tried turning sideways and standing on my tiptoes and stretching all the way to the ceiling to make you skinny, but it's obvious you're not even trying. I mean...I even closed my eyes all squinty and turned down the lights so I could barely see you, hoping you would blend in with that giant sour cream and root beer stain on the rug, but I could still see you because of that splash of guacamole from last weekend.

So it's time to shape up or ship out, Shadow. Maybe it's hard for you living in my shadow because I have such taut hind-quarters and such amazing pecs if I hold my breath super-big and wrap duct tape around my ribs, but you have to push through. You have to believe that with a little effort you can stop looking so much like a Rorschach blob that reminds people of a walrus without tusks, but they are afraid to say that because maybe the lack of tusks means they have issues with penises or pinnipeds* or having sex with their mom or whatever. My point is, let's see if we can trade in your muffin-top for a muffin-bottom, and I'm not sure what that even means, but Shadow...I really fucking mean it.

Hugs not Drugs!
K-

PS: Pinniped is the family name for seals, sea-lions and walruses. Knowing is half the battle. I'll include a picture of Pinniped morphology mostly because it has an arrow pointing to the word "anus". Whoa! One way street, Buddy!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!:

18 comments:

The Vegetable Assassin said...

I am familiar with this fat shadow phenomenon. It usually appears around this time of year after a winter of sitting on my ass eating cakes because it's too cold to go out ever. I think you have hit some kind of golden idea though. Because I think really it's my SHADOW that needs to hit that treadmill every spring, NOT me. I can happily then sit back and eat grilled cheese while it gets sweaty and does the work. This is a perfect scenario.

JAG said...

I was about to write this same letter to my mirror because really, it needs to get it together. I'm not running a fun house called "Fun House Full O' Mirrors That Make You Look Fat" because that would be the exact opposite of fun. Mind if I copy and paste?

Jen O. said...

Norovirus is what your shadow needs. A few days of intestinal unrest and your shadow will be lanky and angular in no time.

Kim said...

My shadow always has a big erection-- is that weird?

Vic said...

I am a fan of the taut hind-quarters. Any of them. Can you wear stretchy pants and skate backwards? That's the only reason to watch figure-skating.

Stupid shadow.

Sara said...

I don't think it's odd for my shadow to have an erection. I mean, it IS looking at me all day.

Jaimi said...

What in the ever-loving hell is sore cream?

Sarah said...

^^What Jen O. said. Dude, I was so HOT after a few days in bed with norovirus.

Tristachio said...

Just so you know, I'm pretty sure "Svelte" is usually in reference to a ladies body so that technically means your shadow didn't get fat it just grew a vagina.

aerocline said...

I stopped at the words "single-underpants week," and haven't been able to move on.

Carolyn...Online said...

Listen, next time you need a heart to heart with your shadow go right before sunset when the sun is REALLY low in the sky and casting that sucker out super far. That's the key.

Captain Dumbass said...

Just don't go throwing the smack at your shadow when the lights are out. He's got friends then, and they'll fuck you up.

Miss Yvonne said...

I love that Reality Bites slacker guy! In a totally 90's way, of course.

Ed said...

Shadows are like TV cameras. They add 10 pounds.

Mike said...

Hello,

Your blog has been recommended to us as a interviewee's favorite blog!

We would like to do an interview with you about your blog for
www.BlogInterviewer.com . We'd like to give you the opportunity to
give us some insight on the "person behind the blog."

It would just take a few minutes of your time. The interview form can
be submitted online at http://bloginterviewer.com/submit-an-interview

Best regards,

Mike Thomas

lesinfin said...

You stop that right now! Stop being mean to Shadow. Shadow rocks!
Haha! You said "anus."

bikramyogachick said...

Be grateful that shadow is eating all of the junk food on your behalf. He's willing to look all round and blob-like just so you can continue to be the handsome perfect 10 with the rockin' body....

終於呀 said...

處順境須謹慎,處逆境要忍耐。........................................