Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Three Ideas That Might Change America Forever. But Probably Won't.
I was going to write a how-to guide about rolling up bologna into tubes and then taping the tubes together and then sliding one on each of your fingers like a Freddy Kruger claw and then going into a crowded area and caressing the back of people's necks with your bologna hand and HAHAHAHA! Now they've had damp, cool, lunch-meat rubbed on their skin!! What a hilarious joke! But the first person I tried it on punched me really hard and as I lay crumpled on the floor of the church I got hungry, so I ate my bologna fingers, tape and all, and now I've got a wicked stomach ache and my hand smells weird, so it's a good thing I never wrote that "How To" guide after all.
I haven't written a funny story about the hilarious hijinx of my kids in a long time, and maybe that's because I've learned to respect them as people and the idea of exploiting them for my own gain seems both callous and inappropriate. Or maybe they just haven't done any funny shit even when I spray extra floor polish at the top of the stairs and then go set up my camera and tripod and yell for them to "GET DOWN HERE! RIGHT! NOW! AND YOU BETTER BE WEARING SOCKS!!!" because my children are smart and know a trap when they hear one, so instead they tip-toe up to the edge and they aren't in any danger of falling at all, and Nice Job, Kids! Guess we'll NEVER make a million dollars on America's Funniest Home Videos©, thanks to you guys being such terrible quitters.
If you told a mermaid her vagina smelled like tuna fish, would she be insulted or would she take it as a compliment? I think "compliment" because mermaids are probably way cooler and more understanding than that cranky lady in the changing room at Lane Bryant.
Here's Andre the Giant on a ATV. You're Welcome.