Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Three Ideas That Might Change America Forever. But Probably Won't.


I was going to write a how-to guide about rolling up bologna into tubes and then taping the tubes together and then sliding one on each of your fingers like a Freddy Kruger claw and then going into a crowded area and caressing the back of people's necks with your bologna hand and HAHAHAHA! Now they've had damp, cool, lunch-meat rubbed on their skin!! What a hilarious joke! But the first person I tried it on punched me really hard and as I lay crumpled on the floor of the church I got hungry, so I ate my bologna fingers, tape and all, and now I've got a wicked stomach ache and my hand smells weird, so it's a good thing I never wrote that "How To" guide after all.

***
I haven't written a funny story about the hilarious hijinx of my kids in a long time, and maybe that's because I've learned to respect them as people and the idea of exploiting them for my own gain seems both callous and inappropriate. Or maybe they just haven't done any funny shit even when I spray extra floor polish at the top of the stairs and then go set up my camera and tripod and yell for them to "GET DOWN HERE! RIGHT! NOW! AND YOU BETTER BE WEARING SOCKS!!!" because my children are smart and know a trap when they hear one, so instead they tip-toe up to the edge and they aren't in any danger of falling at all, and Nice Job, Kids! Guess we'll NEVER make a million dollars on America's Funniest Home Videos©, thanks to you guys being such terrible quitters.

***
If you told a mermaid her vagina smelled like tuna fish, would she be insulted or would she take it as a compliment? I think "compliment" because mermaids are probably way cooler and more understanding than that cranky lady in the changing room at Lane Bryant.

***
Here's Andre the Giant on a ATV. You're Welcome.

15 comments:

Chelle said...

I had a crush on Andre the Giant when I was a teenager. Not like a HUGE crush... Well maybe it was a huge crush, after he's HUGE. I saw a documentary about him. He was an angry alcoholic. So edgy and attractive.

I was confused for a while when I was a kid.

kate said...

Holy crap, it's like a grizzly bear riding a tricycle!

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Unneh buddeh wunna pinut?

That guy behind him with the blonde hair and the black mustache, somebody should tell him that his drapes don't match the tablecloth.

Soda and Candy said...

*hurk* baloney.

Jen O. said...

I think as a general rule you should avoid telling a lady what her vagina smells like. File it under Goes Without Saying, because, good or bad, roses or tuna fish, she knows. It's permanenly located two and a half feet below her nose, afterall.

Little Girl Big Glasses said...

Where exactly do mermaids keep their vaginas? Do mermen just sniff around to locate them?

Logical Libby said...

I think you insult mermaids by telling them it smells like bologna.

Sara said...

Your kids should learn to take one for the team. That's the only reason I'm even planning on starting a family - to make it on America's Funniest Home Videos. Little jerks.

Sarah said...

OMG. If they do smell like tuna, do they also taste like tuna?
We could farm them and save the tuna. Are tuna endangered? I don't know, but if we keep eating them, probably.
This way, we'd have another source of tuna.
I don't know what you'd do with the top half, but I've heard anything more than a handful is a waste and something about anything with boobs and a mouth but no vagina is basically a nightmare but I dunno ...
What were we talking about?

And you, friendless, brainless, helpless, hopeless. Do you want me to send you back to send you back to where you were? Unemployed in Greenland?

Harna said...

I don't think mermaids have vag. Blow holes perhaps? I just said blow holes. Hehe.

BeckEye said...

I think if Andre the Giant told a mermaid her vag smelled like tuna, she wouldn't be offended. Because she probably wouldn't understand what he was saying.

Belle said...

Your kids are selfish jerks!

Ed said...

Damn kids. Worthless, except around tax time.

Bejewell said...

Salami fingers work way better. And then later you can eat the salami off your fingers and when your husband goes to the refrigerator for some delicious salami but can't find it because you made salami fingers and then ate them, you can say "Well for once I guess I'M the one to 'hide the salami' HAR HAR HAR SNORT" and he'll laugh for a second but then he'll stop and think about it and before you know it you're getting nailed on the kitchen floor right in front of the refrigerator.

Salami. WAY BETTER. Just sayin.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

Ummm, I'm not certain, but am pretty sure that mermaids do not have vaginas, since they have no legs...right?

And also, I eat bologna fingers all the time. Yum. I guess the difference there is that I don't caress people with my meat.