Thursday, March 18, 2010

Sexual Assault! Penis! Cops! Exaggeration!

This image came up when I Googled "Wang Attack". (*shrug*)

I was going to finally get around to posting my earth-shattering research in the field Advanced Handsomology but that's going to have to wait for later because there is important news coming out of Great Britain, and NO! it's not that they found a way to talk normal, or that they realized that those guards at Buckingham palace who are never supposed to move or react are not very effective as guards because a key part of guarding something is being able to move your eyes. No, what the news is... is that some guy in Scotland got really drunk and attacked a cop with his penis. And I don't know about you, but I think that sounds like a terrible idea.

Apparently,"Marium Varinauskas, 28, tried to strike the officer on the head with his penis when she was called out to his flat, but she got out of the way." ("flat" means "sex dungeon" in British... I'm almost positive.). Now the problem with using your junk as a blunt instrument is that there are lots of nerve endings down there and they tend to be a bit sensitive, and I don't mean"you can't call them names or else they'll cry" sensitive, I mean "if some hot girl in line at the movie theater brushes up against your wang accidentally while bending over to clean up the popcorn she just spilled* than maybe the security guards will grab you and drag you away" sensitive.

I like the part where it says "...but she got out of the way." That kind of action pretty much writes itself. Reading that was like watching Die Hard on cocaine while tied to a pole and someone is trying to light you on fire. "Is he going to catch her?" I wondered? NO! Whew! She got out of the way. That was some ace reporting, BBC. What's your next story about stuff that didn't happen? "There was a shooting in Brixton** last night only the assailant didn't have a gun and was just sitting at home playing Wii golf alone." By this rationale, pretty much everyone in the UK is a criminal, all the time, all over the place. And who's to say they aren't?

The BBC describes the incident as such: "The accused got to his feet and was standing over the police officer exposing his penis and thrusting it in her face, forcing her to take evasive action to avoid getting struck."

Evasive action? That's even more exciting than "she got out of the way"! It sounds like this guy had just tried to catch her in an elaborate trap, that wasn't just taking his dick out and trying to hit her with it. It sounds like a much grander adventure when someone escapes something. So to all you writers out there, remember! someone should always be escaping something. I, by way of illustration, am currently trying desperately to escape sobriety.

This is a contender for the dumbest news story I've ever posted.



* Maybe she spilled it because I shouted "Holy Shit! A talking donkey!" and when she looked I smacked the bottom of her popcorn tub, but than again maybe she's just clumsy. Either way the cops couldn't prove anything. HAHAHAHAHA! Suckers!

**"Brixton" was the only town I could think of because of that song by The Clash. I know mad geography, Yo!

15 comments:

Jen O. said...

I can't tell whether Stumpy Wang is a merry little pregnant midget or a delightfully fat child. Either way, the expression on Big Wang's faces and the inappropriate placement of his hand is making me uncomfortable.

BugginWord said...

Good thing she's the master of evasive action or she could have taken a shitake slap to the face!

Lindsay said...

I was under the assumption that the Brittish liked tea bags!?!

Hhmmph... what do I know...

foxy said...

I'm totally not understanding that photo either. Glad I'm not the only one whose stomach is in knots after looking at it for too long.

I agree. Stories are much more exciting when there's an escape.

Soda and Candy said...

"By this rationale, pretty much everyone in the UK is a criminal, all the time, all over the place. And who's to say they aren't?"

Silly Kurt, they sent all their criminals to Australia!

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

The accused got to his feet and was standing over the police officer thrusting it in her face?

So...she kneeled down in front of him and expected NOT to get hit with his penis? Rookie move, lady. Rookie move.

Logical Libby said...

Good thing she got out of the way. She couldn't have gotten hit hard...

Sarah said...

Possible headlines:
Dick Slapper Pwned
Dick Slapper Goes Downtown
Dick Slapper Gets Wrists Slapped
Officer Narrowly Escapes Mushroom Tattoo
Officer: "I Thought he Said he Had a Pianist in his Pants."
Intoxication Negatively Affects Thrusting Ability, Informal Study Shows

Megs said...

I always thought the British were supposed to be like Ken dolls, you know, down there. Probably because they are all so repressed sexually and stuff. That is totally a fact.

So, its kind of interesting news to learn that they are not Ken dolls, and have enough junk in their drawers to attempt to slap someone with?
Or something?

Kate said...

So, who would have gotten arrested if she had just opened her mouth and chomped on it?

Living Shallow, Living Well said...

This reads like a date I went on once.

Like your blog.

Miss Yvonne said...

There's one person who definitely wouldn't have taken evasive action away from a swinging penis and that person is your mom.

Ha! In your mom's face! Literally!

Mandy's Kidding said...

My Victorian Literature professor once described it as the World's Greatest Water Toy. You boys never get over that.

"Behold my mighty penis! It is a weapon!"

Spot said...

Ohhhh...evasive action. That's where I always go wrong. Now I get it!

♥Spot

The Quizzical Observer said...

What our fine British journalists are carefully avoiding saying is that we British chaps are rather envious of this Polish blighter - even if he was stationed in Scotland (which begs the question why on earth did he leave Poland?) We wish we had that kind of je ne sais quoi when faced with a comely policewoman. Could we rise to the occasion? You've heard of matching energies, but what about matching truncheons?