Friday, March 26, 2010

Now with 1000% More Panda!

I google searched "Panda Back Rubs" and this is what I found.
I feel like cuteness just blew its load all over my face.

Maybe you think it is a funny idea to go up behind your boss when he is showing visible signs of agitation and getting all red and angry sounding, and you put one hand on each of his shoulders and start giving him a backrub and saying things like "Shhh. It's okay, Baby." But I am here to tell you that according to this write-up I just got, it is sexual harrassment, and not the good kind like our parents used to have, where you got to slap girls on the ass and no one cared. I mean the bad kind, where they can try to fire you despite the fact that you could tell he was totally into it for a second until he realized it was you and maybe you just turned him gay a little.

I wouldn't have a problem with him turning a little gay. That's like that Twilight Zone where the racist guy gets turned into a Jew and sees the error of his ways and then gets sent to Auschwitz. Too late for you, New Jew! Actually, that premise is pretty much every Twilight Zone, so I shoulda just asked if you are familiar with the concept of "irony", because that's what it would be to turn my boss even a little gay, because he is such an incredible homophobe that he just calls himself a "Sapien" if you ask him his species*.

And sure maybe kissing his earlobe was taking things a step too far but they looked so warm and sure enough, I was able to get the whole thing in my mouth before he pulled away. I know the standard definition of kissing does not involve any attempts to completely engulf an earlobe in your mouth, but I like to push the envelope.

I was going to say "think outside the box", but that made me think about vaginas for some time... so I had to switch to "push the envelope" for the sake of conserving time and because thinking about vaginas makes me want to touch myself, and my workplace has a strict "three strikes and your out" policy about that.

I don't even know how you would push an envelope. I always carry mine. I guess you could be all "Psst! Hey Kid! You wanna get high? Here's an envelope." but the kids at the local orphanage have already gotten wise to me and know that just because I bring them something to smoke doesn't mean they get stoned. In my defense, I totally thought it would work. If you light up the tail-feathers of a dead bird you find in the road, than logic dictates that you'll get high. Name one person who wasn't high who tried to smoke a dead bird? Exactly.


*Yes. I ask all potential employers what their species is, because the first time you don't ask? POW! You're working for an alien and assisting in the enslavement of the Human race. I'm pretty sure that's what Schlindler's List was a metaphor for. Think about it...

Moral: I have TWO posts at Mama Pop today. One is here, and in it I'm a corporate shill, and the other won't be up until 1pm, but unlike giving your boss a backrub, it IS hysterical.

23 comments:

Jen O. said...

I would punch a kitten in the face if it meant I could have one of those pandas. But only if the panda grew up to sit on it's ass while crunching Rice Krispie© treats and then jump when I sneeze in it's face and then go back to crunching its treat like nothing happened. 'Cause I want that panda. Not the one who eats my face when I scare it.

Yeah, I don't have a clue what you said after that panda picture. Sorry. I get distracted by fuzzy things.

JAG said...

I'm so upset by this blog that I can't even comment on it. I mean, besides this comment, but it doesn't count because I'm not saying anything of substance or anything.

Stephanie Meade Gresham said...

Thanks for ruining pandas for me.

Captain Dumbass said...

Time to think outside the vagina. I'm so going to use that when my baby is born and crying in the middle of the night when I'm trying to sleep.

Megs said...

Probably your boss just thinks he should play hard to get.

What a little tease.

A Vapid Blonde said...

How did his earwax taste? That is what I keep wondering about.

Spot said...

I miss the good kind of sexual harassment. I mean, who doesn't love a good slap on the ass now and then? How else do you know you're doing a good job and you're part of the team??

♥Spot

Miss Yvonne said...

This is so weird, because I did the exact same thing to my boss the other day and he gave me a promotion. Maybe try rubbing your boobs against his back next time?

Ed said...

Hey should have handed you a check for payment, not a write-up slip.

Beta Dad said...

I can't say "pushing the envelope" for the same reason you can't say "outside the box." Envelope is so clearly a stand-in for "vagina."

Living Shallow, Living Well said...

Just another day at the office.

Lola Lakely said...

Wow. I decided to stop by because your comment over at Steal me Up Kid - "Would you like a fresh ribbon for your boob plait, Milady? That one has a rosette of period clot on it."- made me snort. Just as the president of the division walked by.

Then I read your post. And lket me just say, as someone who innapropirately touching themselves at work while smoking a dead bird, I can say that it just effing wins at life. I am so sticking around here.

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No One Reads The Copy said...

Finally catching up on my google reader. You are hilarious.

No One Reads The Copy said...
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Tgoette said...

Thanks! Now all I can think about is gay panda vaginas. Fortunately it doesn't interfere with work.

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Tgoette said...
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Tgoette said...
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HappyHourSue said...

Tgoette: take your meds.

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

Hmm, I've often given my ex-boss a shoulder rub. I'm pretty sure he liked it. And although he could easily be mistaken for a gay person, he is not. But he is very short, and we all know what THAT means.