I couldn't think of anything to post because I have amazing restraint and DON'T want to write about Farty Joe, my co-worker who has so much gas that pretty much every surface where he works is coated in a 10 micron-thick layer of poop, and the best part is when he farts really hard and it's loud and staccato and trumpety and then he breaks off into peals of laughter even though no one else is around to smell it. "Hahahahaha! I just shit my pants!" is what he probably is thinking. I need a new job.
But like I said I have amazing will and determination, like an Olympic Gold Medalist in the combined "Being Handsome/ Being Brilliant" event, so I'm not writing about that even though I really really want to, because sometimes his friends come to visit him for the sole purpose of going in his dark little fart chamber and letting one rip. Then they leave real quick and close the door, so Farty Joe can asphyxiate on their gas, and then everyone laughs real loud and calls each other names like "Farm Animal" and "Asshole" and "You Just Shit Your Pants" which I guess is a Native American name like "Dances With Wolves" or "Comes Too Quickly" or whatever and then they all make giant arm flapping motions to air it out and then they say things like "Whheeeewww!" and "That stinks!!" and "Oh My God!!!" and then they laugh again, because those are all the best joke ever. It's like the best of Shakespeare's play-on-words humor mixed with Richard Pryor's self-deprecating take on race relations with just a dash of Denis Leary's over-the-top crudeness. "Wheeww! That DOES stink!" I think to myself.
The other thing I didn't want to say about it, is that I'm afraid to ask him if he's REALLY dying because sometimes they smell like cancer. Or at least, what I imagine cancer would smell like if there was such a thing. But I don't want to just walk up and ask "Hey Joe? Do you have cancer? Because your farts don't smell very good, and are more than a little evil, and maybe you need to go to the doctor because there is no way whatever is happening down there isn't malignant." because he would just laugh and then probably put me in a headlock and hold me down by his asshole and try to fill my mouth with vaporized crap atoms. Again.
So instead of writing about that here's an adorable kitty-cat. (*shrug*):