Thursday, March 4, 2010

It's Just A Big Fart Joke. Maybe Stop Back Tomorrow.

I couldn't think of anything to post because I have amazing restraint and DON'T want to write about Farty Joe, my co-worker who has so much gas that pretty much every surface where he works is coated in a 10 micron-thick layer of poop, and the best part is when he farts really hard and it's loud and staccato and trumpety and then he breaks off into peals of laughter even though no one else is around to smell it. "Hahahahaha! I just shit my pants!" is what he probably is thinking. I need a new job.

But like I said I have amazing will and determination, like an Olympic Gold Medalist in the combined "Being Handsome/ Being Brilliant" event, so I'm not writing about that even though I really really want to, because sometimes his friends come to visit him for the sole purpose of going in his dark little fart chamber and letting one rip. Then they leave real quick and close the door, so Farty Joe can asphyxiate on their gas, and then everyone laughs real loud and calls each other names like "Farm Animal" and "Asshole" and "You Just Shit Your Pants" which I guess is a Native American name like "Dances With Wolves" or "Comes Too Quickly" or whatever and then they all make giant arm flapping motions to air it out and then they say things like "Whheeeewww!" and "That stinks!!" and "Oh My God!!!" and then they laugh again, because those are all the best joke ever. It's like the best of Shakespeare's play-on-words humor mixed with Richard Pryor's self-deprecating take on race relations with just a dash of Denis Leary's over-the-top crudeness. "Wheeww! That DOES stink!" I think to myself.

The other thing I didn't want to say about it, is that I'm afraid to ask him if he's REALLY dying because sometimes they smell like cancer. Or at least, what I imagine cancer would smell like if there was such a thing. But I don't want to just walk up and ask "Hey Joe? Do you have cancer? Because your farts don't smell very good, and are more than a little evil, and maybe you need to go to the doctor because there is no way whatever is happening down there isn't malignant." because he would just laugh and then probably put me in a headlock and hold me down by his asshole and try to fill my mouth with vaporized crap atoms. Again.

So instead of writing about that here's an adorable kitty-cat. (*shrug*):

23 comments:

Jen O. said...

Naked creepy guy laying seductively in what looks to be his grandmother's bathtub. WTF, Kurt. My eyes have been raped.

Sarah said...

I was on board with the fart story, but that photo is absolutely uncalled for.
It's like you just took a metaphorical shart in my office and closed the door to leave me trapped and lingering in its stench.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

You just kitty fart cupped my brain with that photo. Touche, Kurt.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Yes, thanks for the photo. It really started my day off with some fear.

kate said...

I work in a hospital and went down to the gift shop to grab something to drink the other day. Some really fat, old lady in line in front of me kept backing up until her squishy ass was, like, ON me...and then she ripped a horrid, smelly fart. That odor stuck with me ALL DAY. I think it soaked into my clothing.

bikramyogachick said...

Ugh, that picture is creepy.....

Sara said...

At least they acknowledge it instead of farting while they're talking to you and pretending nothing happened. How can I keep my face from showing how disgusted I am when they pretend it didn't happen??

Wow, that was awkward said...

You are the Howard Stern of Blogglyland. Shock Blog. Nothing like a creepy bathing mulleted kid and his mom's cat to give you the heebie jeebies.

Pam said...

What's even creepier than the languid fellow in the bath are all the lavender accents. Can you imagine what the rest of the house is like?

And, farting in an office cubicle is rude, in a lift is ruder, but rudest of all is on a plane, with everyone around strapped in place and the windows sealed shut. Never mind the nail clippers - screen passengers for methane is waht I say.

Megs said...

I think I went to high school with that guy in the picture. Or maybe I have him confused with that kid who thinks he's a vampire. That's probably it.

Jaimi said...

I hate you.

Tony said...

You just killed my brain with the naked cat man. Thank you, kind sir!

Peggy said...

I'm fully aware that there is absolutely nothing funny about cancer but you can go ahead and consider "his farts smell like cancer" stolen! Thanks Kurt!

Mandy's Kidding said...

Is that you in the tub?

Captain Dumbass said...

I feel the need to wash myself repeatedly. Thanks, man.

Jules said...

Can you please just write about how to be handsome or brilliant next time instead.

Damn.

Kim said...

I was in such a nice place with all the fart anecdotes when out of nowhere you go and sucker punch me in the balls like that.

miss. chief said...

I think I would maybe tell those people in your office to grow the fuck up. Seriously? Farting? Not funny.

Miss Yvonne said...

Suddenly I'm in the mood for hot water and bubbles. *shrug*

Ed said...

Dude!

You swore you wouldn't post that pic!

That was supposed to just be between us!

Like your mom.

Mark Price said...

I was really getting worried that there wasn't a single comment regarding your mom. Thanks Ed, you saved the day.

Spot said...

I just threw up in my mouth a little. I may have nightmares about that picture. Thanks alot jerkwad. And by jerkwad, I mean totally brilliant and handsome man.

♥Spot

Lindsay said...

This might single-handedly be one of the greatest blogs of all time.