Monday, March 8, 2010

2 Parables, Except Neither Have Morals. Oh Nevermind... I'm Phoning It In.

It's Monday! And you know what that means on The Monster Apathy! That's right! I'm hung over and phoning it in. And maybe you think that's because of all the Oscar parties I went to last night with my entourage of sexy, gymnast, crime-stopping, supermodels. Well, I'm a gentleman and I don't kiss and tell (or not kiss and tell) or (or not kiss and sit at home crying on the couch because not only am I alone, but also I'm out of toilet paper and those coffee filters really chap my ass.) I don't do any of those things is my point. Although, I sorta doubt anyone who has read this blog for any length of time expects me to have a point. That's like expecting a whimsical unicorn to come scampering into your house uninvited and take a big glittery dump on your coffee table.


So there's a guy at work who has to have everything be about him and he's my favorite person to listen to because he always talks really loud to himself and says things like "Oh I'VE seen things a hundred times worse than THIS!" and "You think YOU know what pain is?" and "I have to watch my mouth because they are just looking for a reason to fire me, I guarantee it!" It is this last statement that I would like to address, because he ends ever second or third thing he says with some kind of guarantee, and one time I had the sniffles and he guaranteed that I was getting H1N1 or Herpes or Spattergroit©* or whatever, but I didn't end up getting anything, so his guarantee didn't hold up and now I want to find out if I can sue him.

I'd be all "Your Honor! This MAN had a verbal contract with me that said forthwith I would gain some sort of compensatory illness from said nasal leakage, and check this shit out your wizard-ship! No sickness!" and then I would run up to the bench and grab his gavel and start banging it and shouting "Order! Order! Or I'll clear this courtroom!" and then the bailiff will tackle me and the last thing I hear before I get dragged off is "Sir, I warned you about wearing that filthy bathrobe in my court the last time you were here**!" And then I'll shout "Diplomatic Immunity!" and then I'll say "That'll do, Pig." to the bailiff... only really quiet and soothing so maybe he'll relax his grip a little so I can make a break for it.

Sometimes my daydreams are more exciting than I can even stand.


This is how you would graph the words "I am so cool" on a graphing calculator. Because knowing is half the battle, and graphing calculators are the other half, and being able to show bullies that you ARE cool because LOOK! MY calculator says so! is another half, and being hard to grip because you are inordinately sweaty is another half.

I AM SOOOO Cool! Thanks Ti-85! You'd never lie to me!

* This is a Harry Potter reference, because I believe that one day Hagrid will show up and tell me I'M really a wizard and still only ten years old, and that whole time I spent drunk and striking out with the girls from the Honors Sorority was just a bad dream.

** That last time was a simple misunderstanding about the definition of "shoplifting" and how it may or may not apply in a porn store because I thought those places were like the Wild West and there were no rules. Seriously. Have you SEEN the things they have for people to put inside them? It was like Thunderdome in there.

PS: You should read my Mama Pop article. It's a matter of life-and-death. If you think movie reviews might kill someone. (Besides Gene Siskel... Too soon?)


Jen O. said...

Work Guy is probably Canadian. We guarantee everything. It's like a whole country of used car salesmen up here, desperate for your concurrence, what with ending everything in "eh?"

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Hmm, coffee filters. I'll try that. I have the gold filter cup, not the paper ones, will that still work? I imagine the screen would have a sort of "capture and retain" quality to it.

Stephanie Meade Gresham said...

First off, Unicorns DON'T scamper. And B, you're the only one I know who can get away with this assterixes in between disjointed thoughts ties stuff together shit.

I wish I could make stars work for me.

Kurt said...

@Jen O.: I told someone once that I think you are a ghost who lives in my computer because of how fast you comment on my posts. know...thanks. (Don't haunt me.)

@Becks: It's like "Chock Full O' Nuts", depending on your diet, probably.

@Stephanie: I wish all words with "ass" sounds were spelled that way. Although it would probably be disassterass for the thesaurass. (*Slide Whistle, Soft-shoe exit stage right*)

kate said...

Hangovers are typically the reason why I don't post anything on the weekends...phoning it in rocks.

Captain Dumbass said...

Maybe try dragging your ass across the carpet like dogs do.

Jen O. said...

You should time me next time. I'm not stalking you or anything, it's just I have an extraordinarily boring job, so I keep my Google feedreader open on my computer and LEAP at any sign of a new post from anyone at all. And because I'm so bored and lonely here, I comment because it's almost like I'm having a conversation. But the kind where someone's saying something really funny and then I say something stupid and they look shifty-eyed at the other people around and then slowly walk away because I'm such a dork and probably wasn't really invited to the party anyway.

Miss Yvonne said...

I totally had a unicorn scamper into my house one time. He wasn't whimsical though. He was more process-servical and maybe he didn't have a horn and maybe he was a process server and not a unicorn. Whatever.

Ed said...


Did I miss something?

Was Beautiful Treasure driven away by your handsomeness?

A Vapid Blonde said...

I am in the process of systematically killing off and scaring the shit out of all of my employees because I enjoy my own company at work much more than any others. I hope they don't read your blog. I don't want themto get "ON" to me

bikramyogachick said...

I KNEW unicorns had glittery poop!

Megs said...

One uppers are very fun people to work with. If you are very smart and sneaky, you manage to get them to say just about anything.

Jaimi said...

That's totally the name of our sex shop here. Thunderdome.

How did you know?