Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Tech Update: Big Science!!

I don't heart boogers at all. I don't feel one way or the other actually.
I just think they are misunderstood.

Today I was planning on doing some big science at work because I want to make the world a better place, not just for me but also for the children. Except those weird neighbor kids who I keep seeing in the hedgerow behind my apartment. I think they are pissing back there. I don't believe those children are our future and I refuse to teach them well and let them lead the way. Because they'll probably lead me back to the hedges and then pee on me. The "beauty they possess inside" is my boot up their ass, if I've got anything to say about it.

Anyway(s) my big science was in the field of orgasms, and as some of you may know, I am an expert in them because of your mom. HAHAHAHAHA! Just kidding. I'm an expert in Orgasmology because...well never you mind, just because. And the research has been exhaustive but trust me it's all for the common good. And by "common" I pretty much mean "my own" and by "good" I mean "awesome orgasms".

The thing is, they say an orgasm and a sneeze are the pretty much the same thing, but I sorta doubt that's true because I didn't sneeze in my pants during Avatar when he rode the giant red pterodactyl thing (he said, pretending to not know it was called "The Great Leonopteryx"). Go Taruk Makto! FLY!!!! (Just kidding. I totally had to look that stuff up and not just because I wasn't sure how to spell it but also because I am cynically indifferent to the magical fantasy world of Pandora and all it's beautiful creatures.)

My idea is if a sneeze IS the same as an orgasm than I want to sneeze at work all the time because I can't orgasm at work hardly at all, and a sneeze is much more portable and accepted as something your body is allowed to do, whereas an orgasm is something you can do at work only if you are lucky and not being watched closely because of already having two masturbation strikes against you because the place you work is all uptight and racist against fun. I wish I worked in Europe. I bet they get to masturbate all over the place. Especially the Norwegians. Norwegians look like avid wankers to me. Don't get uptight, Norway. That's totally a compliment. Also, you could probably orgasm at work if you had one of those cool "I orgasm constantly" afflictions like they show on Maury Pauvitch and act like it's a terrible thing, but leading scholars in my mind call bullshit on that one and I think we can all agree that is where we want to go when we die.

So I tried to think of a way to make myself sneeze all the time, but since I can't develop allergies by will power alone I tried the old pepper up the nose trick because everything I know comes from cartoons, but that just made my nose run, and when people asked why I had long trails of black mucus hanging out of my nose I had to tell them "Oh that's the Anthrax probably" so they would leave me alone, and now instead of having constant sneeze orgasms I'm sitting in a clean room in isolation. Stupid big science.



Pandas fix everything. Even crushing orgasm-related disappointment.

PS: I looked it up on Snopes, and it turns out the whole sneezing = orgasm thing is a hoax. Perpetrated by whom you might ask? I'm not SAYING it's Norwegians, but I think we all know that talking with that accent is highly suspicious.

19 comments:

Ben said...

I want to sneeze all over this post because I love it so much.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Oh my god, that baby panda just came SO hard.

I think I need to post this on the "Death by Autoerotic Coordinated Simultaneous Sneeze-Orgasm" forum. So many young lives, wasted.

Jen O. said...

I think you're going about this the wrong way. Cut a hole in your pants pocket. You know, for easy access. And then when someone gets all nosey and asks you what you're doing, tell him you're sneezing and that he should fuck off and shut the door already because you need to sneeze in private.

Miss Yvonne said...

I'm half Norwegian. This post really clears things up for (lucky) me.

Wow, that was awkward said...

I think the only similarity between sneezing and an orgasm (for a guy) is the spewing. It's all about the spewing Kurt. You know that.

kate said...

I'm so confused by all of the Avatar-ness. I heard that movie was basically the same thing as Pocahontas except with blue people instead of hot cartoon Indians. No? Maybe? I don't know...I'm going to go sneeze until I feel better.

Jaimi said...

When I pick my nose? I orgasm.

No One Reads The Copy said...

Remember that girl who couldn't stop sneezing? Just saying...

Captain Dumbass said...

Fuckin Norwegians.

Sarah P said...

Can I sneeze all over your face? Oh, wait. Just saying that makes me want to sneeze.

Ed said...

I don't have a comment. I was just wondering if you had any Norwegian ladies phone numbers.

aerocline said...

This post got me thinking... and then pondering that SOME people find sneezing the height of sexeh... and then REMEMBERING one alarming drunken night a couple years ago when I stumbled into one of THESE websites, or something similar:

http://www.sneezefreaks.com/
and
http://sneezingbeauties.com/

My mind (but not my nose) was blown anew.

Chelle said...

I started that rumor. I DID.

Jules said...

But I thought all of the men went into the bathroom to masturbate at work? No? Hmmmm.....

Vic said...

What's the masturbation cut-off at your job? Is it like, three write-ups a year and then you start fresh at the new year?

miss. chief said...

I actually get a bonus* every time I masturbate at work.

*not** to be confused with 'boner'.

**Yes it is***

***no it's not. I'm a girl.

That Baldy Fella said...

Actually, they've banned masturbation in the office place now. You have to stand outside like some sort of pariah with all the other chronic masturbators if you want to crack one off nowadays. This country, I tell you. *shakes head*

Carolyn...Online said...

I'm having a visual that involves a guy masturbating at work and boogers. And it troubles me.

Megs said...

Snopes is not infallible. I think we all need to be sneezing and then having orgasms immediately afterwards to compare.