Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Smooth Move, Ex-Lax!*

You know how in movies everyone in the history of anything escapes from being held prisoner or whatever through the air ducts? I'm pretty sure the Underground Railroad was all air ducts based on the information movies have provided me, and while that might not be historically accurate, I love hot dogs. Especially at the ballpark! Yummm. In other news, I just looked it up on the internet and The Underground Railroad was NOT in air ducts, so that just proves my point that maybe Hollywood is a bunch of liars.

But closer to home, I discovered the great air duct conspiracy at work today because they were having a big meeting deciding who to lay off, and I have pretty much lived by the rule :"If they can't find me, they can't fire me" so I was looking for a good hiding place and then it hit me, POW! "Air ducts! Just like the slaves! " and I was in the bathroom at the time so I stood on the toilet and unscrewed the grate JUST like I have been taught to , and then I boosted myself up and then I got stuck because one thing they DON'T mention in the movies is how you shouldn't eat a big plate of pasta for lunch after a 4 Pop-Tart© breakfast and then go try to hide in air ducts. That's just irresponsible Hollywood, and you'll be hearing from my attorney any day now. And if you think "Heywood Jablomi" is a made-up lawyer and that it is unprofessional to have your lawyer's letterhead on the back of a Chinese Take-out Menu, then you can just roll the dice and I'll see YOU in court.

It would probably be easier if we settled out of court and Heywood says I should be able to get "at least a couple hundred bucks" out of you because all I have to do is show the jurors the horrible scratches that look like Firecracker© Shineblast© lipgloss by Covergirl© but are totally grievous injuries I got when my boss pulled too hard on my foot whilst trying to unstick me from the vent. I don't have many regrets in my life, what with being this handsome and brilliant. But I do wish that I had flushed the toilet before my escape attempt. I also wish I'd thought to pull up my pants. They say hindsight is 20/20, but I think mine is even better than that.

Because this post is awful I'm going to add a picture. That's My Monster Apathy© Blogtip© of the week. If what you're writing is borderline retarded, add a picture.

It's an adorably obese cat watching his favorite movie! Avatar!
I'm going to get a squillion hits now, probably.

*I'm still totally trying to bring back "Smooth Move, Ex-Lax" as the greatest form of sarcasm. You can help by writing to your congressman, or addressing a crowd of protesters or firebombing a school in Ireland or something. Thanks.


miss. chief said...

Oh, that's what I've been doing wrong...not pulling my pants up pre-escape attempt!

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I'm pretty sure it was the Overground Railroad that was located in the air ducts. And it didn't transport slaves to freedom, it transported Judd Nelson from the library to the janitor's closet. Or wait...I'm wrong, that was the Enormous Nostril Railroad. It only carries him and Uma Thurman. Very exclusive.

Tristachio said...

I'm sorry, all the picture of the blue cat is making me want to do is punch it in the god damn face. And then punch you in the face for posting it because the last thing I need to think about is giant, obese blue glowy alien cats eating our popcorn through the retarded brain lobe coming out of its hair.

jbg said...

Am I allowed to use "smooth move, ex-lax"? Is there some copyright on it, because it's awesome.

Jen O. said...

Who ever Avatarded that cat should take a serious look at their life's direction.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

I learn so much over here Kurt. I don't know why I bothered with school back in the day when I could just have made friends with you. For example it's good you used a lipgloss that didn't have sparkles in it because wounds don't sparkle. Unless you're a fey, teen vampire with poufy hair.

Um, I mean if you'd USED lipgloss and didn't have actual wounds.

I think Ima gonna go now.

Lindsay said...

Smooth move ex-lax just might be one of the greatest sayings of all time.

Woot woot!!
*pumps fist*

Sarah P said...

Not at all, Geritol!

Take that!

By your rules, I'd have to post a picture on, like, every post. I'm way too lazy for that.

Megs said...

I like hot dogs too.

J said...

Your post has enlightened me, sir. Thanks.

and as for the picture of that poor obese cat,
it looks like it belongs in those calendars crazy cat people collect.

Tgoette said...

I'm a hot dog fan too, and before I leave to go firebomb an Irish school, I had to say great post! I learned a lot about air ducts, blue cats and adding pictures to my blog. Smooth move, Ex-Lax! It's a classic.

Peggy said...

I like to sell hotdogs at Irish School bombings so there ya go!

Ed said... the duct work thing is a Hollywood lie?

Next thing you'll be telling me is that superheroes aren't real, or that cars don't really explode in giant fireballs after going over a cliff, or that Nicholas Cage is actually a great actor.

I just don't know what to believe anymore.

Is anything even real?

Chelle said...

Pretty much funniest ever.

Jules said...

Note to self... Add a picture.

AND tell the teachers who are about to be laid off to hide in vents.

AND firebomb Irish school.

Check, check, and check. On it.

Miss Yvonne said...

I've managed to avoid four layoffs at my job. My secret is this: Be awesome in bed. My second secret is this: Put candy in a bowl and set it out on your desk. No one lays off the candy lady/man.

tishtasha said...

I feel it's wrong to escape up, you know? Because yeah, bye-bye cops/psycho criminals, but then hello gravity, and there's just no escaping that.

HappyHourSue said...

You have no idea how much I puffy heart your copyright c's.

Ad Astra said...

Squillion? Reeeeally?

A Vapid Blonde said...

You know whats easier than escaping...marry the bosses son..or daugher what ever. They will NEVER fire you. Plus you get to know the inner workings of your bosses life, like why there is an adult male diaper in the glove box of the car they leave you with every winter.

Suzanne Westover said...

Your humour leaves me speechless and insecure. See, up till this point, I kinda thought I was funny. Now, I must find a new talent, because your funny kicks my funny's ass.

I don't like to feel less-than, so I probably won't be back. I guess that's your punishment for being better than other people.

THE LESSON: If you're too good, you'll lose readers.Raise a glass to mediocrity, people.

Spot said...

Damnit!! My post is a little retarded today and I totally did not add a picture. I knew I forgot something. But at least I didn't get stuck with my pants down in an air duct. You're pretty lucky your boss decided to try to pull you out instead of something much worse. Although, I hear sexual harassment suits are very lucrative. Yeah, I went there. And so did your mom.