Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Just When I Think I've Had The Best Idea in The World, Someone Crosses a Mega-Shark with a Giant Octopus

I was going to do an epic post about a guy at work that we'll call "Farty Joe" because he has something very wrong with his insides and maybe "Joe" is just a fake name I'll use on the internet, or MAYBE "Joe" is his real name and I've just done a classic double-cross in my mind like a secret agent. That's for you to figure out. I'm like Twin Peaks pretty much all the time.

I was going to post about that but then there was breaking news on the Mega-Shark vs. Giant Octopus front, and folks....I'm calling you "folks" like this is a radio broadcast from the forties and you all hate The Hun and love Norman Rockwell and gosh I sure hope we bring the boys home soon, and all I'm doing to help the war effort is banging all the lonely housewives but we can't ALL be Private Ryan. Quit judging me... when it comes to Mega-Sharks or Giant Octopusses I like to think of myself as an expert witness for the defense.

The big news is that Roger Corman, who pretty much invented bad movies, is going to be directing a movie called Sharktopus, and I think we can all agree I just came in my pants. The thing with Sharktopus that makes it magical-er than if Frodo giving Harry Potter hand-release, is that it is both a shark AND a giant octopus, so it is clever and can squirt ink and sink ships and solve puzzles and eat Captain Quint and be in 3D if it wants, but also it has the capacity to love. And love makes the world go round if you don't count the conservation of angular momentum that is inherently present in the materials from which the Earth was originally formed.

This is how it looks when I'm banging your mom in a "Singapore Sling" according to Physics. Your witness.

And the other awesome thing about Sharktopus is it joins an elite fight team of movies that Corman has made that are all shark / vampire / dinosaur based including: Dinoshark, Dinocroc, Dinosaur Island, Carnosaur, Carnosaur 2, Carnosaur 3, and Vampirella, which may not seem like it fits, but trust me I don't even care. The whole reason for this post is really just to show you the picture I'm about to show you and then high five myself until I become self-conscious and realize everyone is watching me with scared/confused looks on their faces and then I'll remember back when I said "I just came in my pants." and then the world will make sense again.
Quid Pro Quo.

19 comments:

bikramyogachick said...

Sometimes I try to read your blog before I've had my required dose of morning caffeine. This really is a mistake.....
:)

Jen O. said...

You have the greatest talent of finding new and innovative ways to scare the shit out of me. Seriously. I used to think I was brave, Kurt. Until I met you. Internetually speaking.

And I think you meant to say "Squid pro quo".

kate said...

Umm. Holy shit. Coolest picture ever. There is nothing more to say.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Meh. I'm waiting for "Farty Sharktopus". Then maybe I'll see it.

Madame Sunday said...

Sounds like The Island of Dr. Moreau but less Brando and island, more tentacles and teeth. it's a win win really.

Ben said...

The fact that they got Debbie Gibson in the first shark/octopus mashup makes this all more legit than I can even explain.

BeckEye said...

Sharktopus sounds amazing. Also, I would like to set up a play date between Farty Joe and my office mate, The Mad Shitter. (I admit, Farty Joe is a better nickname. I would change the Mad Shitter to Shitty Bob or something, but my last day is Friday, so I don't care.)

Logical Libby said...

I just pray Lorenzo Lamas is in this one too.

Vel said...

I keep wondering why it's not call Octopark.

Sarah P said...

Sometimes I think this is a humor blog, and other times I feel like I'm being indoctrinated into a cult by one of those rambling conspiracy-theorist bloggers who did way too much LSD when LSD wasn't the cool drug anymore.
In any case, I bow to Sharktopus, overlord of the underworld.

miss. chief said...

I don't know why, but 'Octopark' is really funny to me.

I have to see all of these movies. Stat.

No One Reads The Copy said...

Best opening paragraph ever.

Ed Adams said...

I'm pretty sure the plural of Octopussies is Octopi.

You might be able to get by with writing Octo and then following it up with those two little touching capital T's that make the symbol for pie.

The Jules said...

Is that picture from National Geographic, because it's way cooler and more likely than a tapir.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

I'm pretty sure top restaurants in NYC will be serving sharktopus steaks pretty soon for five hundred bucks a pop. They're expensive primarily because they don't actually exist therefore, are kind of rare.

HappyHourSue said...

***gasp****!!!!!!!! GOD do I wish it was still the 40's. I'd be fighting waxy yellow buildup in my kitchen like nobody's business.

Jaimi said...

This is the best birthday present ever, Kurt. Thanks.

A Vapid said...

I was so going to say Squid Pro Quo...but I am late to the party in your pants. SIGH

Carolyn...Online said...

I'm still trying to figure out the diagram of the earth's rotation and how it effects you and my mom.