If you don't want to read this whole long, ridiculous post, I don't blame you, so here is the first image that comes up if you do an image search for "Most Hysterical Possum". Enjoy!
So this weekend I told someone I thought they had the IQ of a banana, and looking back on it now I feel super-guilty because how do I know how smart bananas are? Maybe they are, in general, the smartest of the fruits. I mean on a relative scale of course. Obviously you can't compare the intelligence of a banana against say, that of a dolphin. Because the only trick a banana can perform is making someone slip and fall on their peel in a vaudeville show, and that's really a passive trick, as to where a dolphin can jump high in the air and make adorable clicking noises and if you're Aquaman they will obey your every command, even if it's "Have sex with me." which is totally an abuse of power by the way, Aquaman*.
But compared to an orange? Bananas might be super-smart.
For all I know bananas have capitalized on their superior intellect and gotten Ivy League educations and live in mansions and have ponies and send their in-bred dumbass banana kids to fancy boarding schools, and they are probably all members of the banana equivalent of the Skull & Bones Society, only bananas don't have skull or bones so it would be the Peel & Stem Society, which sounds silly to you maybe, but to a banana it's probably super-sinister. And as the divide between the intelligent educated bananas and the poor working class under-fruits grows wider, animosity might grow until finally there is a fruit** revolution and the bananas are all hanged or decapitated or whatever and all the kiwis gather in the town square and rejoice but die a few days later when the fruit equivalent of the Bubonic Plague ravishes their homeland. Ironically, top Banana Researchers were only days away from a cure when the revolution swept them away. Tragic.
I don't know why I'm racist against bananas***. It's not like a banana ever held me up a gun point or got my sister pregnant with an illegitimate half-banana baby that it refused to acknowledge as it's own. It's not like angry bunches of bananas form gangs that have decreased the safety or property value of my community. It's not like my father had to fight them in Korea and he passed on his bigoted anti-banana world view on to me. I think I need to examine this instantaneous dislike of bananas, and really get to the root cause. Or maybe I'll just have a Pop-Tart©.
* If any dolphins want to file a sexual harassment lawsuit against Aquaman than shoot me an email because I think we can finally give that sonuvabitch his comeuppance. No mean NO, Aquaman!
**And don't give me any shit about tomatoes being "fruit" and potatoes being "tubers" or lettuce being a "roughage" or any of that other horse-puckey. If it grows on a tree, it's fruit. If it grows on or in the ground it's a vegetable. That's what the latest research coming out of the University of Kiss My Ass says anyway(s).
*** Maybe you think I'm super-smart and this whole post is an allegory for actual racism in the world today. Well, you're right. I AM super-smart. But you forgot to mention "handsome" You get a "B-".
PS: Go read Me on Mama Pop because I can do 100 push ups without using my knees more than 6 or 7 times and with only one break to get a doughnut.