Monday, February 22, 2010

Is That A Banana in Your Pocket, Or Are You Just a Racist?

If you don't want to read this whole long, ridiculous post, I don't blame you, so here is the first image that comes up if you do an image search for "Most Hysterical Possum". Enjoy!

So this weekend I told someone I thought they had the IQ of a banana, and looking back on it now I feel super-guilty because how do I know how smart bananas are? Maybe they are, in general, the smartest of the fruits. I mean on a relative scale of course. Obviously you can't compare the intelligence of a banana against say, that of a dolphin. Because the only trick a banana can perform is making someone slip and fall on their peel in a vaudeville show, and that's really a passive trick, as to where a dolphin can jump high in the air and make adorable clicking noises and if you're Aquaman they will obey your every command, even if it's "Have sex with me." which is totally an abuse of power by the way, Aquaman*.

But compared to an orange? Bananas might be super-smart.

For all I know bananas have capitalized on their superior intellect and gotten Ivy League educations and live in mansions and have ponies and send their in-bred dumbass banana kids to fancy boarding schools, and they are probably all members of the banana equivalent of the Skull & Bones Society, only bananas don't have skull or bones so it would be the Peel & Stem Society, which sounds silly to you maybe, but to a banana it's probably super-sinister. And as the divide between the intelligent educated bananas and the poor working class under-fruits grows wider, animosity might grow until finally there is a fruit** revolution and the bananas are all hanged or decapitated or whatever and all the kiwis gather in the town square and rejoice but die a few days later when the fruit equivalent of the Bubonic Plague ravishes their homeland. Ironically, top Banana Researchers were only days away from a cure when the revolution swept them away. Tragic.

I don't know why I'm racist against bananas***. It's not like a banana ever held me up a gun point or got my sister pregnant with an illegitimate half-banana baby that it refused to acknowledge as it's own. It's not like angry bunches of bananas form gangs that have decreased the safety or property value of my community. It's not like my father had to fight them in Korea and he passed on his bigoted anti-banana world view on to me. I think I need to examine this instantaneous dislike of bananas, and really get to the root cause. Or maybe I'll just have a Pop-Tart©.

* If any dolphins want to file a sexual harassment lawsuit against Aquaman than shoot me an email because I think we can finally give that sonuvabitch his comeuppance. No mean NO, Aquaman!

**And don't give me any shit about tomatoes being "fruit" and potatoes being "tubers" or lettuce being a "roughage" or any of that other horse-puckey. If it grows on a tree, it's fruit. If it grows on or in the ground it's a vegetable. That's what the latest research coming out of the University of Kiss My Ass says anyway(s).

*** Maybe you think I'm super-smart and this whole post is an allegory for actual racism in the world today. Well, you're right. I AM super-smart. But you forgot to mention "handsome" You get a "B-".

PS: Go read Me on Mama Pop because I can do 100 push ups without using my knees more than 6 or 7 times and with only one break to get a doughnut.


miss. chief said...

so is a pineapple a vegetable?

The stem and peel society sounds super bad ass. I want to join. But do I have to give up my skull and cross-bones?

I have cross-bones.

Deal with it.

Jen O. said...

That possum reminds me of that part in Beetlejuice where Geena Davis and Alec Baldwin are practicing being scary ghosts and she takes her face and pulls it out just like that possum only her eyes are inside her mouth.

Like this:

That part was gross. But not as gross as when the railing turns into a snake with Beetlejuice's head. That railing haunts my dreams.

Spot said...

I graduated from the University of Kiss My Ass. And I knew you were handsome and super smart. So I want an A+.

And now I'm pretty scared of bananas. I don't want them to rape my sister. Thanks for that.


kharlamovaa said...

Are strawberries vegetables? Good GOD I feel duped. Damn parents, misleading me all my life!

JAG said...

I can't stop laughing at that possum. It IS the most hysterical possum. I want it.

bikramyogachick said...

There's a banana sitting on my desk right now. I've been eyeing it suspiciouly after reading your post....

Carolyn...Online said...

It makes me wonder what you were doing with bananas all weekend to want to flatter then with a love note like that.

Kurt said...

@miss.chief: I'm totally dealing with it. ALso, never cross a pineapple. A pineapple NEVER forgets.

@Jen O.: Winona Ryder wants to hump me in 1988. I just need a time machine to prove it.

@Spot: No one likes a brown noser, Spot. Except me. 1000 A+s for you.

@kharlamovaa: It's just science. Nothing I can do about it.

@JAG: I know! All it needs is a clown nose! Or to be thrown into a bag and then run under a cold water tap and then dropped into Mike's (this guy I hate) pants. HAHAHAHAHA! Have some wet possum pants, Asshole!

@BYC: Or has IT been eyeing YOU? (*dramatic music*) I so want to make a "Fear of a Black Banana", Public Enemy joke, but I can't figure it out.

@Carolyn:That's between me, the bananas, and the police officer who found us.

Tony said...

I always thought that apples were the smartest fruit. I see bananas as the bad asses of the fruit family. Because like you said, you step on a banana peel, and you slip. What happens when you step on an apple peel? Nothing. Maybe it gets stuck to your foot, and you have that sticky spot on your shoe for a couple of hours at the most, but for the most part, nothing happens.

Jen O. said...

Good job, Kurt. I did the math to double check there was no pedophilia going on around here. Winona was legal in 1988 (barely) and I'm sure she would have loved to hump you.

Miss Yvonne said...

Bananas go bad soooo quickly. Just like your mom on a date with Mike. I know that didn't make sense. I'm sick, so shut up. Probably from some stupid banana disease. Fucking bananas.

Ed said...

Wait...Don't fruit trees grow on and in the ground?

Secret Agent K said...

I don't like bananas, with their yellow skin and their peely peel and their holier than though attitude. Now apples on the other hand.....

PS Comeuppance is a nice word and completely underused, wordy AND handsome? Bravo good sir, bravo,

Jaimi said...

"Knock, Knock."
"Who's There?"
"Orange who?"
"Orange you glad I'm not a Banana?"

Your witness

pee ess
Thanks for the b-day wishes!

Vic said...

I only like bananas in banana bread. Your witness.

Megs said...

I have no idea what this post was about because I am terrified of possums. I am pretty sure that one at the top of the post wants to eat my entrails and splash around in a kiddie pool filled with my blood.

Peggy said...

I would comment but I am terrified of any backlash from the Banana Republican Army (BRA).

I'll just say google is never wrong.