Monday, February 8, 2010

I Wish I Could Explain Myself

I didn't want to come to work today because of being lazy, but also because I accidentally got frosting on my finger and it dyed my finger pink so now when I point at someone it looks like I'm trying to shoot them with a piece of flamingo. And I don't know about you, but a flamingo gun does not sound very threatening. If I was going to come at someone with an animal gun, I would want it to be a velociraptor one, so that when I pulled the trigger a velociraptor would come out and eat that person and then OH SHIT! here comes the velociraptor to eat me too! What a terrible idea that gun was! I want a refund! ARRRRGGgGHHH!!!!

But that's still way better than a flamingo gun.

This isn't a velociraptor gun, it's a NAZI Velociraptor WITH a gun.
Man, history is weird.

Now to the layman when I say "I accidentally got frosting on my finger" you maybe think some splattered on me while I was trying to resescitate a war orphan by massaging his heart back to life with my bear hands, which I totally washed first. But the truth is, this kind of accident happens when you swirl your finger on the inside of the frosting bowl to try and collect a dollop on the end big enough to instantly trigger a diabetic coma and get you out of work the next day. Accidents like that are the worst kind, because they are the hardest to predict, because who knows? Maybe I would WANT to go to work! Like if I had brain damage, or some evil being was after me for some mysterious reason and then work is a great hideout because they have really good security there. Take THAT, Landlord! Paying rent is for amateurs!

The reason I didn't want to go to work with a frosting-stained pink finger is because it looked like I had been finger-banging Rainbow Brite and that's just NOT cool with what's going on in Haiti right now. I don't know how Haiti is relevant, but I bet it is. I'm an international citizen is my point.

Hattori Hanzo*: What are you even talking about?
Me: You know. With pink finger, it looks like I've been playing pokey-poke with Rainbow Brite.
Hattori Hanzo: Rainbow Brite wasn't pink. Maybe you mean the pink pony from My Little Pony?
Me: Jeez. I'm not into animals, Perv! What are you some kinda loon?
Hattori Hanzo: Did it ever occur to you that all mammals have roughly the same color vaginal excretions and just because you fingered Strawberry Shortcake doesn't mean it would turn your finger pink. Like... brown-skinned people don't have brown wetness in their vaginas.
Me: Whoa! Slow Down! I'm pretty sure you're being really racist right now.
Hattori Hanzo: What are you talking about? This is basic biology.
Me: Whatever, David Duke. And you're right... it was totally Strawberry Shortcake I was think of.
Hattori Hanzo: Seriously.What's wrong with you?
Me: No! I said I DON'T want it to look like I was fingering a cartoon child! See? I believe the children are our future. We have to teach them well and let them lead the way.
Hattori Hanzo:Well, what made you even think of fingering a cartoon child?
Me: Ugh. You're not listening. I said I DIDN'T want people to think that. I'm protecting people.
Hattori Hanzo: You're protecting NAMBLA by having this discussion.
Me: Your MOM is in NAMBLA!
Hattori Hanzo: 1) We have the same Mom, because I'm pretend. 2) I think the "M" in NAMBLA stands for "men", Mom can't join NAMBLA.
Me: Man. You are all about the racism today. I say Mom can join NAMBLA if she damn well pleases, because I believe we need to show them the beauty she possesses inside.
Hattori Hanzo: I'll give you a dollar to stop quoting "The Greatest Love of All."
Me: Oh Man! Check it out! This finger is stained blue! It totally looks like I just fingered Papa Smurf.

*for new readers Hattori Hanzo is the voice in my head who's totally an asshole and i have to finish typing this before he sees. Here is where I invented him.

PS: Read My Mama Pop Article today at Noon. It's about dwarfs in Westerns. Pure Gold.


Jen O. said...

Hattori's an asshole. He's super bossy and judgy and racist and should learn to be more supportive.

Miss Yvonne said...

I'd like to say that I'm glad Hattori is back, but I'd be lying because he's always all trying to be the voice of reason and I don't know about you, but fuck that shit.

There's probably still time for you to go home early today. Just start moaning and kind of stumble around a little and then when someone asks you what's wrong, you should be all "I don't know...I felt fine this morning but now I'm all dizzy and look at this..." and then point your finger at them and when they go to look at it? Blam! Finger poke in the eye. Then you pretty much get sent home. Probably not for being sick though.

Chelle said...

You have bear hands? Like with big claws and everything? This makes me think about you more often.

Chelle said...

Sooo..... about the bear hands again, would you say Polar Bear or like.. Teddy Ruxpin? Maybe you have no fingers and they're like, little plushie nubs.

I need verification on this so that I can visualize you trying to type.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

No matter what they take from you, they can't take away your dignity, kurt.

Oh wait, no, I'm thinking of your dingity. They'll never take your dingity away.

Dingity is a word for penis. Just go with it. Please.

Ben said...

If I WERE going to finger a cartoon, Papa Smurf would not be on the top of my list. I personally like to think I'd start working my way through the G.I. Joes.

Ben said...


The Vegetable Assassin said...


Vic said...

I missed Hattori!! He's like that hall monitor kid they always have in tv shows, only no one I've ever met went to a school where they had a hall monitor. Bossy AND imaginary.

Prosy said...

I want to hear more about where this frosting came from

Prosy said...

mmmmm frosting

Ed Adams said...

I love it when I have pink on my finger!

*borrowing your slide whistle*

miss. chief said...

That explains why my face is dyed blue...

Logical Libby said...

I am just so glad you are thinking of Haiti right now.

Cynthia said...

Well I, for one, think that was explained with perfect clarity.

HappyHourSue said...

Can I just tell you how much i love that you didn't spell out what NAMBLA is?