Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Gorilla My Dreams (*Slide Whistle*)

So there's these two guys at work and they must be super-macho because they are talking about football, and I don't know about you but I can pretty much smell their cocks from here because of how manly football knowledge makes them. And they are trying to pull me into the conversation, so I play along because I don't really know what the statute of limitations is on a wedgie but the whole time I listening to their conversation I'm thinking about how awesome it would be if instead of fighting another football team, they had to fight a man-eating cybernetic gorilla like I saw in a Spawn© comic book a long time ago. I was pretty sure I remembered his name as being Cy-gor© because of all the REAL dorks I beat up to extract information from and totally not because I read comic books well into my 30s late-20s 20s.

If Herpes was a Gorilla Robot Monster, it would look like this. Herpes: The Silent Killer

See? Let's see Peyton Manning something something football-word on THAT thing! I think Cy-gor© is a great name for a cybernetic gorilla because you couldn't call it "Tic-illa" because that sounds like a hilarious tickling machine and not a terrifying perversion of nature. I think I would call my football team-devouring gorilla "Darfur" to raise awareness, and not just for the genocide occurring there, but also for me to the Nobel Peace Prize Action Squad or whatever they have.

They'd be all "Did you really name your killer robot gorilla 'Darfur'?" and I'd be all "I sure did. To raise awareness." and they'd be all "My God. So kind AND handsome. I think I speak for the whole world when I say 'Thank YOU, Kurt.' here is your prize and your prize money and your free Netflix membership for life*, and the committee member from Russia wanted you to have a couple of hookers** but don't worry they are totally clean and new to the hooker business and your girlfriend already called and said it was okay so don't worry about that." and I'd be all "Thanks, Nobel Action Squad! I knew you wouldn't let me down."

Maybe you are wondering if a killer robotic ape is really the best way to raise awareness for the atrocities occuring in the Sudan. Well let me just say that I didn't even know Darfur was IN the Sudan before I wrote this post. So obviously awareness has increased. And also mind your own business Nosy Nelly. And also,also: Check out how many toe-raises I can do in a row without making ouchie face or anything. Your witness.


*I'm not positive you get a lifetime Netflix subscription with the Nobel Peace Prize but I think you should. You just have to promise to never watch any movies with Keanu Reeves in them. (zing!)

** I know, I know...the objectification of women by using them as sexual rewards is a terrible atrocity and dehumanizing and blah,blah,blah daddy issues... but don't blame me. That Russian guy was totally hammered on Vodka spritzers like THE WHOLE TIME I was imagining it. Don't hate the playa...hate the game.

14 comments:

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

You should name your brand new hookers "Red Ribbon" and "Pink Ribbon". That way you're a triple hero for Darfur, AND AIDS, AND CANCER!! And women's rights too, because you gave them names instead of just "hooker".

He wears "Pink Ribbon" on his face, motherfuckers! Top THAT!

Wow, that was awkward said...

I'd be happy if people would talk football or freaky comic book montsers in my office. I work with all women (and the one guy is sorta girly). I can't use the bathroom downstairs because the door is covered with scantily clad male movie stars. And they talk a lot about boys, hair, and uh, they bitch a lot about everything. :)

By the way, you should read What is the What. Fiction but based on true stories of the Lost Boys (of Sudan).

JAG said...

Peyton Manning can totally something something football word me. IN THE FACE.

That's how much I love him. Just fyi.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Can I borrow your cybernetic gorilla to eat the cast of Jersey Shore so I don't have to hear about them ever again, except for the street party coverage that springs up on CNN depicting the global celebrations rejoicing that the cast have indeed been eaten by a cybernetic gorilla?

Jen O. said...

It's probably not objectification of women if the Russian hookers are literally emailing you dozens of times a day, begging you to love them and be their sugar daddies and give them a working visa for hookering or whatever. I've gotten 23 emails today alone from Russian girls names Olga and Julia who'd probably shoot a kitten in the face if it meant they could be part of the Nobel Peace Prize swag bag.

RockStarTri said...

I think the Nobel committee still gives out AOL CDs as part of the prize package.

Hope said...

You are so fucked up. I. love. it!

Vic said...

I think "Tic-illa" sounds terrifying, like a fierce cybernetic gorilla with burrowing capabilities. Get that thing away from me.

Who told you about my daddy issues?

Megs said...

I thought I was pulling off this whole "woman" thing, but I have talked football with people lately.

I really hope they haven't figured me out because they could smell my cock.

I live in the South. That could get ugly.

Sarah P said...

*sigh*
You're so lucky. All I smell is apple-pie-scented candle with a slight undertone of catbox. (Lighting a candle is considered cleaning, right?)
Man. I bet those cocks smell great.

Miss Yvonne said...

Son of a bitch, someone always steals my idea for a great comment...JAG. Damn it. Just for that? Your mom something something football-word in Peyton Manning's face. So there.

Ed Adams said...

Okay, I'm a serious Colts fan. Peyton Manning is basically a cyborg Gorilla in real life!

Prosy said...

I feel my awareness has increased since this post. High five Kurt!

Jaimi said...

Brilliant idea. I'm gonna change my dog's name to Darfur. That will also help raise awareness everytime she gets out.