Thursday, January 14, 2010

Shake It, Don't Break It Baby!!

Because I'm a brilliant innovator and also because I'm out of good ideas I thought I would analyze the lyrics to "Shake Me" by Cinderella because they seem deep and meaningful and when I was in eighth grade all I wanted to do was meet a 25 YO bimbo who had a fetish involving guys with Quiet Riot album cover artwork ironed-on to their t-shirts and maybe too-big "wormser" glasses because normal chicks weren't into my freaky hyper-sexuality yet. I never did meet that girl but thanks to Cinderella I would know just what to do when I met her.

Never Breaks it. Always Shakes it.

Shake Me by Cinderella

Alright, yea
I met this girl around quarter to ten (*Early night? NO! "ten" is an easy rhyme! Always look for easy rhymes!*)
We made it once, she said "Make me again." (*"make" is a codeword for "fuck". Look it up.*)
She wrapped her love around me all night long
In the mornin' we were still goin' strong (*Bragging is always good for Heavy Metal music. I seriously doubt he would still be able to achieve an orgasm after going all night long and her vagina would probably feel like a cat's tongue that someone had set on fire using the rubbing two sticks together method.*)

Now let me tell ya, it sure feels good (*"ya" = We're best friends.)
First time I saw that girl I knew it would (*I also doubt you can judge the quality of a woman's lady stuff on first sight. He must have humping super-powers.*)
Now let me tell ya, it sure felt right
No pullin' teeth, she didn't want to fight, she said(*SONGSMITH NOTE: ALWAYS DROP THE "g" AT THE END OF WORDS! ie: "pullin' " or "pumpin' " or "cross-dressin' "*)

Shake me, all night, she said
Shake me, shake it, don't break it baby (*This is the moral of the story. Anytime you can work "Shake it, don't break it Baby." into a conversation, you win. Like at the Laundromat. Or at the Bank. Or at dinner at your mom's house.*)
Shake me, all night, she said
All night long
All night long baby(*"Baby" means he loves her and despite all the apparent shaking he feels connected to her and as though she is his one true love, I bet.*)

Screamed and scratched and rolled out of the bed(*What is he humping? A cat? Sort of, huh?! (*slide whistle*)*)
I never really got her out of my head
And now and then she makes those social calls (*She apparently works for Child Protective Services and the singer is a pedophile. Read between the lines is my point.*)
Gives me a squeeze, gets me kickin' the walls (*That's a very strange reaction. What is she squeezing? I would assume he is implying it's his wang. If someone has a tight grip on my junk, I'm not kicking anything. I'm asking them to please stop.*)

Now let me tell ya, it still feels tight (*I think the "still" says he's been humping her so much he stretched out her pussy, but if it felt tight the first time, than it would still feel tight on repeated entries unless his penis is decreasing in diameter with each successive session. Were that the case, shemust have some kind of shrink-ray up in there or maybe Polyjuice Potion or something else from Harry Potter and it's time to find a new lover, I think.*)
And we were shakin' after every bite (*vampires = sexy. Think about it.*)
I feel her comin' in the middle of the night
Screamin' higher

Shake me, all night, she said
Shake me, shake it, don't break it baby
Shake me, all night, she said
Shake me, ooo yea (*You know what...this ended up being more boring than I thought. Let's talk about something else. Like the Jonas Brothers. Or Pokemon. Or Necrophilia. Your pick. Just remember to shake it don't break it, Baby! HAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Aaaahh. (*sigh*)*)

All night, keep the fire burnin', cause we're doin' all right
All night, come on and shake it right

Shake me
Shake me
Shake me
Shake me

Shake me all night, she said
Shake me, shake it, don't break it baby
Shake me, all night, she said
Shake me, ooo yea

Shake me
Shake me, yea
Shake me
Ooo come on baby baby
Shake me
Shake me(*Did you really read all the way to the big surprise ending? That's right! The singer was shaken! And How! I don't know why I reverted to The Lil Rascals just then. Forgive me. *)


Maelstrom said...

I hope this is a series.

Chelle said...

Now do a Ratt song.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Why does this song sound like my grandpa wrote it? Social call? Make me? Crimeny, we are old as shit.

I would've slowdanced with you, Wormser, and even let you motorboat my puffy almost-boobs. I guess it would technically be more of a "leaf blower" than a "motorboat", but the thought is there.

Kim said...

I wanted a picture of YOU in your glorious 80's hair.

Harna said...

You look sexy dressed in drag. Your mall bangs are exceptional. Well done, sir.

notthatkindofgirlblog said...

Sounds like someone's been doing their kegels.

Er, by someone I mean the non-shrink-ray-vajay-owner. Now you, Kurt. Not you.

Wait, tangentially, how'd you get through A WHOLE POST without mentioning how handsome you are?! Someone's slipping. And it's not her vajay.

Jen O. said...

I don't know this song. I'm hoping it's because I'm too young. I fear it's because I was too uncool. Or maybe it's just that my parents forbade (is that a word?) me to listen to dirty, pervy music about fornication.

Miss Yvonne said...

If you squint, that girl looks like one of the members of Cinderella. Full circle, is what I'm saying. Your mom breaks it, is what I'm also saying.

Sarah P said...

This blog post feels like college. Freshman year, we had a professor who had us compare and contrast You Shook Me All Night Long by AC/DC with Liz Phair's 6'1". And we also talked a lot about Don Henley and saw a whole lot of the professor's nutsack hanging out of running shorts for 9:30 in the morning.
Your post made me feel like that. Like studying meaningless songs while viewing ball sack. Pretty much the whole reason I read your blog. <3

mayopie said...

Hey, did you hear the one about your mom? Neither did she. I was holding on to her ears when I told it to her.

(Sorry, I thought of that one earlier and used it on someone on Twitter. Then I immediately thought of you and thought I'd see how it played over here. I think I made it up, but I'm not sure. I thought I would come to the authority and see if you'd heard it before. I'll be really disappointed if you have. I don't know. I may have actually read it here. Anyway, let me know whether or not I can mark it as an original. Thanks.)

Logical Libby said...

What's really sad is that could pass as a thesis at some of the lower level universities.

And please tell me you married that girl in the picture.

justsomethoughts... said...

i promise not to break it

remnds me of "please hammer dont hurt 'em"

Moooooog35 said...

Further examination finds that the singer actually wrote this after sleeping with Janet Reno.

Ed Adams said...

"...If someone has a tight grip on my junk, I'm not kicking anything. I'm asking them to please stop.*)"

I'm not asking them to stop. Shoot, any day someone other than me is touching my junk, is a good day!

Pearl said...

Soundin' frisky, Mr. Wormser.



HappyHourSue said...

Has no one else noticed that the mall-hair girl is the pedophelia award girl grown up? Anyone? bueller?

Fragrant Liar said...

Dude. You can't go back. ;-)

That picture is crazy. I'm so glad I didn't partake in that particular fashion statement. It was wrong even back then.

A Vapid said...

Cats tongue...eww. Also I worked so hard to get that kind of hair and almost succeeded...almost.

Kurt said...

@Maelstrom: Maybe it will be. We'll see how lazy I am.

@Chelle: Can't. Ratt was TOO talented

@Becks: I would be honored to be confused by what's under your shirt.

@Kim: If you think mullets are hot, have a got a treat for you. And by "for you", I mean "that I will never show you"

@Harna: Thanks. I was easy back then.

@NTKOGB: I thought it was just understood how handsome I am.

@Jen O.: Oh you! You probably had good taste.

@Miss Y: You understand what I was going for. You're deep. Just like your mom.

@Sarah P.: I'm disturbingly touched by your comment.

@mayopie: You didn't read it here, man. You're pretty much a genius, I guess.

@Logical Libby: No. My girl had BIG hair.

@Just Some Thoughts: Maybe I'll do a hip-hop song next.

@mooooog: Than obviously he broke the hell out of it at some point.

@Ed Adams: If I count myself than by that logic every day is a good day. What a sunny outlook!

@Pearl: I'm super-frisky. Ask anyone.

@HHSue: That's Becky from Steam Me Up, Kid. Hahahaha!

@Fragrant Liar: Do you even know the volume of semen hair like that will hold? Her head is practically a Shamwow.

@A Vapid Blonde: The cat tongue vagina is a rare affliction but an exciting one.