Dear Feelings Diary,
My very stupid court-appointed psychiatrist said that I should keep you so that we can do something something emotions, but I wasn't really paying attention because I'm pretty sure she was flirting with me like THE WHOLE TIME I was in her office, and maybe that sounds unbelievable to YOU, Diary. But maybe you should just mind your own business and stop calling me a liar.
She was totally hitting on me because she asked if I was on any medications and that means she wants to care for me and then I said "I have a bottle of expired cat anti-depressants that I take when I want to get my party on!" and when I winked real big in that exaggerated cartoon way that is probably just about to make a comeback, she didn't say anything, but just scribbled in her notepad real furiously for a minute or two. She was probably writing down her phone number and then doing a quick sketch of me like Leonardo DiCaprio did of Kate Winslet in Titanic. I think he did that right before he nailed her. So this doctor was obviously sending me signals.
So how am I feeling today, you might ask? Well check this shit out, Diary. There was a test of the Emergency Broadcast System today on the radio and at first I had angry feelings because when it says "This is only a test" a bunch of times I feel like it is being very condescending and treating me like a four year old. But after my angry feelings I had happy feelings because I remembered how that psychiatrist was checking out my junk and sure maybe that was only because I pulled it out in the middle of the session and started doing Broadway cane twirls with it, but she didn't say "Stop!" for at least 3 seconds so obviously she's into me.
And then I went back to angry feelings because the Emergency Broadcast System made a loud noise that made me stop thinking about all the sexy psycho-analysis and I was afraid it wasn't only a test because what if during my fantasy we were actually attacked? If I were a Nazi or a Commie or a shadowy Dutch saboteur I would totally explode the world during a test of the Emergency Broadcast System because everyone would be all "It's ONLY a test." and then POW! You're all dead. Case closed. So then I had anxious feelings and I ducked and covered just to be safe but the people in line behind me at the bank started making funny eyes at me because they thought it was only a test. So I pulled down my pants and crapped on the floor to get their attention and started screaming "What if it ISN'T only a test, fuckers!" and then the cops showed up. And then I have to keep a stupid feelings diary.
It was all just a mix up is my point. Let's agree to disagree.
Fuck you, Diary.