Monday, January 11, 2010

Art Imitating Life Imitating Dinosaurs

I was going to talk about how everyone at work is trying to talk to me about football, but I haven't really been watching at all this season so I just say "Yeah." and "So true." and "They really looked good." and they think that "They" means some football team that I don't care about but that is just a clever deception, because I'm really talking about how I put a mirror on either side and made infinity me-s because I was trying to create a black hole of handsomeness from all the massive handsome density. They really looked good for sure.

I was going to talk about that but than the internet rescued you and gave me a treat:

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I'm going to use this in all my correspondence from now on, I think. Like...I will end all cover letters to potential employers this way. Then they will know I am computer saavy but not in a stuck up "I know a lot of stuff" way. The dinosaur says "Smart but not elitist. Sexy but not too clever. Humpable but not whorish." I think. Also there is the obvious implied threat that if they don't hire me, I will sic a flesh-hungry T-rex on their fascist asses, so guess who's right around the corner from a new job?

Here's a cover letter I just sent out:

Dear Unsexy Corporate Swine,

Hi. My name is Kurt and as you can see from my resume I'm very handsome. And you may be asking yourselves how I was able to get my printer to print on a glossy head-shot photo of myself, but I think it's best if some things remain a mystery. That's also why I didn't include any references or names of old employers. You really need to just mind your own effing* business and hire me.

I think we all know that your company is full of assholes** and by hiring me, your asshole-to-gorgeous person ratio will go way up and that's what the government wants from you... Adversity Diversity. So either you love America and people of all colors or you're a terrorist front and you hate minorities. It's your choice obviously, but I know PETAs home phone number and I will totally tell them that you are also racist against cows or bunnies or whatever. Sic Semper Tyrannus! Speaking of which:
            .-=-==--==--.
..-==" ,'o`) `.
,' `"' \
: ( `.__...._
| ) / `-=-.
: ,vv.-._ / / `---==-._
\/\/\/VV ^ d88`;' / `.
`` ^/d88P!' / , `._
^/ !' ,. , / "-,,__,,--'""""-.
^/ !' ,' \ . .( ( _ ) ) ) ) ))_,-.\
^(__ ,!',"' ;:+.:%:a. \:.. . ,' ) ) ) ) ,"' '
',,,'',' /o:::":%:%a. \:.:.: . ) ) _,'
"""' ;':::'' `+%%%a._ \%:%| ;.). _,-""
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(/(/" ," ,'_,'%%%: (_,'
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\. . .\ : . . . :
\. . .: `.. . .:
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;:.:.; ::...:
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,;:%%%%%%%: ;:%::
;,--""-.`\ ,=--':%:%:\
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;,-"'`)%%)
/" "|


I can start Monday, Dickheads.

Hugs Not Drugs,
Kurt



*I said "effing" here so they would know I am serious and a hard worker but also respectful as long as they don't act like a bag of cocks.

**It's a proven scientific fact that all companies are full of assholes. I'm just showing them that I understand the scientific method and also that I am empathetic to their problems even though I would never admit to it, because you can't spell "empathetic" without the "pathetic" and that's not me at all. Just ask my friend Bologna Sandwich sitting here next to me. He'll tell you.

Moral: Go read my article at Mama Pop. It has less dinosaurs. If that's your problem.

12 comments:

Captain Dumbass said...

I have an interview this week. I think I'm going to go through your posts and pick through all the interview related stuff and study it.

Jen O. said...

If I had a company, which I don't, I'd hire you on the condition that you be this funny all the time. If not? Fired. No matter how handsome you are, you still have to be funny 100% of the time or you're axed. I'm not here to give anyone a free ride.

I was going to delete that last sentence on the basis of being an obvious "your mom" segue, but I left it as my gift to you.

erin said...

HIRED! Oh wait, I'm not an Unsexy Corporate Swine or a Dickhead.

Kim said...

I swear to God my printer just turned on ALL BY ITSELF as I was reading this. I'm not kidding-- it's like a freaking miracle over here. It's really kind of creeping me out, Kurt.

BeckEye said...

Is that dinosaur playing with itself?

Megs said...

1. I thought it had 4 arms until I read the comment above and realized it was playing with itself.

2. If I had any money or power I would totally hire you based on that dinosaur.

Ed Adams said...

I printed this off so I could connect the dots and color it in because I'm five. And I like dinosaurs.

Miss Yvonne said...

See, I would think a bag of cocks would be a good thing. But I guess not?

Also, is that a two headed dinosaur or am I just not as good at reading binary code?

Stephanie Meade Gresham said...

Can you make a unicorn? Pooping rainbows?
I have an interview later this week and I think it would really kick up the wow-factor on my resume.

Thanks.

Cat said...

Rawr.

Prosy said...

I think computer-dinosaur-savvy handsome men receive some sort of affirmative action, right?

biodork said...

Hahaha - this was the perfect thing to see after a crazy day at work. Thank you.