I guess the thing I'm supposed to do is look back and reflect at all my time here on The Monster Apathy with a wistful look in my eye. Remembering the early days when I was still doing something I'm not doing anymore, and Wow! have I grown as an author and look how impressive this all is. But then I realized that I'm pretty much churning out the same stuff I was back then only now more people read it, so it's not me that's changed or grown or learned anything it's you. You've all come such a long way since you started and your decision to read this blog is quite a testament to both your character and your intestinal fortitude and for that I give you a hearty "Huzzah!" except I'm not sure what that means and it makes me want a Blizzard© from Dairy Queen for some reason so I'm going to go do that, whilst you all hang around and talk about how cool you all are now.
The other thing I'm supposed to do is thank you for reading for this whole time but really I've just improved your lives, so I think I'll thank myself instead. I'm doing it in letter form because I love getting mail and I rarely get any that doesn't involve threatening language and a lot of legalese about "cease and desist" and minimum distances I can be from certain school yards or people who have a super big mouth and are totally stuck up, so this will be a nice change of pace.
Way to trick people into reading your crap for 200 times. You must feel awesome. Like you've pulled off some elaborate heist. Well let me be the first to tell you that if you were in the Great Muppet Caper you'd be Lew Zealand, the goofy clown-looking one who throws the exploding fish and not anybody cool like Gonzo or Charles Grodin. And also I think you have a library book that is way overdue, and if you haven't learned how to set people on fire with your mind by this point you probably never will, so there's no point in staring at the landlord, whilst he drives around on his riding lawn mower and thinking of Jalapeno dunkers, because that's just not even working a little. Also, maybe it's time to change out your toothbrush, because it now looks like your brushing your teeth with an albino caterpillar and the bristles are so soft that if you switched up and started brushing your teeth with a kitten you'd get more scouring power. Anyway(s)... way to be a dipshit 200 times. I think they're probably still buying it, because as long as you don't cost anything you're only wasting their time. Huzzah!
Hugs not Drugs,
Hattori Hanzo, The Voice in Your Head
ps: I fucked your mom last night. HAHAHAHAHAHA!
pps: You can start calling me "My New Dad in My Head" if it makes you more comfortable.
That didn't go as planned at all. I'm such an asshole.