Thursday, December 31, 2009

This Cupcake Tastes Like Entrapment

So It's New Year's Eve here at work which according to my calculations equals "who gives a fuck" about how much actual work gets done, and everyone is walking around real slow and pretending to not be watching the clock, but they are totally obvious about it because you don't just casually glance at any old wall every five minutes unless you are expecting it to topple over on you at any moment and then it's probably better to just walk away from it instead. No one ever held up a wall by staring at it. Except for that one X-man who had boobs but wasn't Halle Berry or Sookie Stackhouse with a hair-streak.

"Jean Grey?" he said, pretending he didn't know the answer so as to not eff up his mad street cred, Yo.

My point is, the clock is probably getting a big head and is starting to believe the hype about itself because everyone is looking at it, even though it's not fancy like the ones they make in Switzerland or Belgium or one of those other European Countries where nothing ever happens unless Nazis are invading so they have to make a big deal out of clock-making or chocolate or discreet banking practices or tulips or whatever.

So the clock with it's giant ego would be all "I'm actually a chronometer" and I'd be all "Get off your high-horse, Clock!" and it'd be all "You still have a long time until lunch. See?" and then I'd freak out and tear it off the wall and jump up and down on it and then there's a big record-scratch noise like in all the funniest movie trailers and everyone is looking at me and I'm just standing there panting in a pile of broken smart-ass clock.

That didn't really happen except in my mind.

But still. If there WAS a talking clock with a chip on it's shoulder, I would definately teach it what's what. Because I believe in fairness and equality, like Kevin Costner in The Untouchables and even without a Sean Connery Irish cop with a Scottish accent by my side I can still rid the world of uppity clocks trying to run liquor in from Canada for Al Capone. (You might think that metaphor was a bit jumbled, but as a counter-argument I have this to say: Think about it.)

We aren't allowed to have food on the work floor because of something-something rats and the fact that we build medical equipment and all the super-squares at the FDA get all gay* and panicky when one stupid person dies because they get Pop Tart© crumbs and rat droppings on their liver. So today one of the engineers brought me a cupcake with a "2010" plastic thing in the 13 inches of frosting on top, and he said "Happy New Year, You Handsome Devil!" or something close to that, and held the cupcake out with expectant eyes.

I was instantly suspicious. I looked around to see if maybe it was a trap and there was a supervisor watching from inside a barrel or something. But then I remembered I don't work on a shipping dock, so they would have to drag a barrel that they bought somewhere special into my work area and THAT would probably rouse suspicions. So instead I looked up at the ceiling for cameras. And then the engineer was all "What are you looking at?" because he was still holding the cupcake out to me, and I was all "Nothing. Thank You. Merry Christmas. "

I find that if you wish people "Merry Christmas" in the week between Christmas and New Years it makes them think you are Jewish and then they leave you alone because of how awkward things just got. Anyway(s), I took the cupcake and when he turned to leave I flipped off everyone who was probably spying on me from hidden locations in a slow turning circle and then dramatically threw the cupcake out and stood there defiantly just daring them to try and catch me with an illegal cupcake. Then I got written up for using obscene gestures at work.

Stupid hidden cameras.

*"gay" here is the classic definition of gay from the seventies where it means "uptight and tattle-telly and square and whiney" not the homosexual one. Homosexuals are way cooler than the gay FDA.


Amanda said...

I can't believe you threw out a cupcake with 13 inches of icing. Even if it was illegal. That's worth a write-up to me.

Maelstrom said...

Rookie move Kurt. You're supposed to give the suspicious food to someone else that you don't like as a "peace offering".

Miss Yvonne said...

That was a total setup. I bet that cupcake got passed around the office more times than your mom.

erin said...

I just realized that stackhouse is rogue..or whoever. Wow. That was helpful and completely useless info, Kurt. Thanks.

Soda and Candy said...

13 inches of frosting... Mmmm. I think I went into a diabetic coma just reading about it.

Also "and then there's a big record-scratch noise like in all the funniest movie trailers and everyone is looking at me and I'm just standing there panting in a pile of broken smart-ass clock."

I can completely picture this.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Even if that cupcake was dripping with cyanide solution and Charlie Sheen's ass sweat I wouldn't have thrown it away. I mean the blatant truth here is IT'S A CUPCAKE, ARE YOU MAD?

Also, I effing hate when bosses insist on spying on you from a barrel.

Mandy's Kidding said...

Every time a cupcake gets thrown in a garbage can, an angel gets its wings ripped off and desperately tries to wiggle its bloody stumps before it falls to its death.

Ed Adams said...

Miss Yvonne soooo got you on this one.


Now, I'm off to be jealous of frosting.

Happy New Year!

The Jules said...

Clcoks deserve everything they get, as long as it's bad. They go too slow on bad days and too quick on good ones.

And times subjective anyway so they shouldn't even exist.


miss. chief said...

one time, when they were filming that x-men movie with rogue in it i went to the bar and there was the entire x-men cast. and I was like 'whaaaat' because there was two hugh jackmans (jackmen?) and even though one turned out to be his stunt double with the phat sideburns, it still blew my mind.
anyway the point of this story is that one time drunk me pushed sookie stackhouse in a bar and shouted "move!" at her, because she was in my way.

Mark Price said...

Im laughing so hard at Miss Yvonne's comment I totally forgot what your post was about.

Captain Dumbass said...

You should have taken that cup cake somewhere private and rubbed all that icing over your face like it was a beard. Then you could come back to work and... not really sure where I'm going with this anymore.

Never mind.

Spot said...

Maybe it was a poison cupcake and now you've not only thwarted that engineer's nefarious plan but also cheated death!! My god! You are a superhero!!! Unless death gets pissed off and comes after you like in those final destination movies. Then you're screwed. Sorry dude.


Sarah P said...

You fucking threw away frosting? Do you have any idea how many elementary school kids could get high off 13" of frosting? Do you?!
You, sir, are both a buzzkill and a cockblock (metaphorically speaking).

A Vapid said...

I think you did the right thing. A male coworker strides up and hands you a *CUP* Cake and calles you a handsome devil? No doubt it was laced with Rohypnol and soon you would have woken up on the manufacturing floor face down with red velvet frosting smeared on your ass...not good, not good at all.