I think if you are a woman than you pretty much owe me a life-debt like if you were a Wookie and I was a Rougishly Handsome Swashbuckling Space Pirate. And the reason for this is that I taught my pre-teen son that at no point during a french kiss is there an exchange of phlegm. Now this may be disappointing to some of you who rely on soul kisses as your primary source of Vitamin Snot, but for everyone else it just means one less person hocking up on you for no apparent reason. Win/win.
I'm not sure what he had in mind exactly, but I think it was like a game of hot potato where the phlegm is the "potato" and the whole experience is the "hot". I don't know if this is the kind of game worth playing though. It's not like hunting down Keanu Reeves and turning him into the most dangerous prey. It's pretty much just love + boogers, and that's not really much of a game at all. I don't even know what that equation equals, so don't get all stuck up with your super-maths, but I'm thinking it's like something close to a J. Lo. song. (zing!). In my mind the frenchers take turns sending the phlegm back and forth between them until the music stops and whoever has it at the end has to swallow it. It's like truth or dare, only without the truth and if you choose "dare" someone spits in your mouth.
Anyway(s), I talked him down from the edge, and he no longer believes that frenching involves any kind of "bonus" exchange of nasal material. He will, however, be going for a boob honk and maybe he'll shout "Aaa-0000-gahhh!!" like an old-timey car horn and then do the "Truffle Shuffle" or maybe just lick his finger and stick it onto his pushed-out butt and make a "ssss!!" sound because of how hot he is. I explained that all these rituals are more acceptable then putting your boogers into someone else's mouth when they aren't expecting it*... then again so is showing off Polaroids of you mounting their mom or whipping out your wang and singing a song about elephants. Love is a fickle mistress is my point.
* Because maybe when you expect someone to put boogers in your mouth it IS hot. Miss Yvonne? Please comment.