Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Public Service Announcement

I think if you are a woman than you pretty much owe me a life-debt like if you were a Wookie and I was a Rougishly Handsome Swashbuckling Space Pirate. And the reason for this is that I taught my pre-teen son that at no point during a french kiss is there an exchange of phlegm. Now this may be disappointing to some of you who rely on soul kisses as your primary source of Vitamin Snot, but for everyone else it just means one less person hocking up on you for no apparent reason. Win/win.

I'm not sure what he had in mind exactly, but I think it was like a game of hot potato where the phlegm is the "potato" and the whole experience is the "hot". I don't know if this is the kind of game worth playing though. It's not like hunting down Keanu Reeves and turning him into the most dangerous prey. It's pretty much just love + boogers, and that's not really much of a game at all. I don't even know what that equation equals, so don't get all stuck up with your super-maths, but I'm thinking it's like something close to a J. Lo. song. (zing!). In my mind the frenchers take turns sending the phlegm back and forth between them until the music stops and whoever has it at the end has to swallow it. It's like truth or dare, only without the truth and if you choose "dare" someone spits in your mouth.

Anyway(s), I talked him down from the edge, and he no longer believes that frenching involves any kind of "bonus" exchange of nasal material. He will, however, be going for a boob honk and maybe he'll shout "Aaa-0000-gahhh!!" like an old-timey car horn and then do the "Truffle Shuffle" or maybe just lick his finger and stick it onto his pushed-out butt and make a "ssss!!" sound because of how hot he is. I explained that all these rituals are more acceptable then putting your boogers into someone else's mouth when they aren't expecting it*... then again so is showing off Polaroids of you mounting their mom or whipping out your wang and singing a song about elephants. Love is a fickle mistress is my point.

* Because maybe when you expect someone to put boogers in your mouth it IS hot. Miss Yvonne? Please comment.


Mad's mom said...

And we are so grateful for your efforts, or at least my daughter will be, if she is ever offered the opportunity to play tonsil hockey w/ your progeny.

Here from Pearl, why you... Love your irreverence. And hey, who doesn't love a hooter honking?

Wow, that was awkward said...

So you are sitting around the dinner table eating potatoes and this just popped into your head?

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I know the math. It's love+boogers=baby in the baby carriage.

No, wait, first you're both sitting in the tree P-H-L-EGM-I-N-G.

Tune in Tokyo?

It's been a while. It'll come back to me.

Pearl said...

Actually, Steam, I believe it "Come in Tokyo".

Not that I know anything about that.


Peggy said...

I read this stuff and then I read the comments and I just think, I got nothing...nothing to add to this conversation. However, I would like to point out that I am reading and loving every minute of it!

Ed Adams said...

I was wondering how you taught him. Like they say, "example is the best teacher" or "AIDs and crack whores go hand in hand". Something like that.
However, this might not be an instance to "show" him it is wrong. Kind of like rubbing the dog's face in it when it shit's on the carpet, only this time it's your shit and the dog is your kid.
I don't know what the fuck I'm trying to say other than don't french your son.

miss. chief said...


Spot said...

How did you come to find out that he thought frenching meant exchanging phlegm?? I mean was he all "so when I'm frenching some chick, how much lugey is too much lugey?" or did you happen upon him kissing a girl and were all like "no wait son! you're doing it all wrong"?? Please. This is boggling my mind.

And I thought only my husband grabbed boobs and made the old time car horn noise. Crap! Is this something they teach you in man school?? I thought my boobs were special...*sigh*


Kurt said...

@Mad's Mom: Communists. That's who. Also, welcome. Also also, please take off your shoes, I just had the floors done.

@WTWA: We were actually eating pizza.

@Becks: Take your time. I can wait.

@Pearl: You said "come", which would normally make me snicker but you didn't spell it wrong which is the big clue you meant "orgasm". I like clues.

@Peggy: I bet there was actually a minute you didn't enjoy it. Like that last minute, when it was over you were probably all "Awww! That's it?" I'm sorry about that minute. Also welcome.

@Ed Adams: That's a good safety tip.

@miss.chief: Don't be stuck up. A little phlegm goes a long way.

@Spot: He called it "Phlegming". That was a good clue.