Thursday, December 10, 2009

My Dirty Messhole

So my boss, after announcing that maybe I'd be on overtime all weekend felt that he should maybe add insult to injury and put a little sarcastic something-something for me at the end of his proclamation, but he got flustered, probably because I am so goddamn handsome*,and what he ended up with was this catastrophe of profanity which he tried to pass off as smug and not retarded but failed miserably. Here's what he said:

"Welcome to the fourth quarter in this (*stammer*) Messhole."

I just looked at him a blinked a few times. Did he just call this place a messhole? What the fuck is a messhole? Is it like an asshole only for a place of employment? Like if the cafeteria is the mouth and the bathrooms are the kidneys and the me is the heart of the place, than is the messhole the bad place where everything goes out and nothing should ever come in because who wants to go to the doctor and try to explain that you've got ANOTHER something stuck in your messhole? Like a toy truck or a frozen banana or that one time in college when you jokingly got a Three dozen pixie-stix lodged up there and everyone in the hospital gave you funny looks because you kept farting and shiny colored sugar would go shooting across the room behind you and your friends all laughed because they thought it looked kinda like a ticker-tape parade. Your friends in college were such messholes is my point. You could do better. Also you should have never dated that Tanya girl even though she could fit a whole fist in her mouth, because let's face it...the only thing attached to your body that size is your actual fist.

And that goes in her messhole.** (*slide whistle*)

So that made me wonder if maybe the opposite of the messhole is the nicehole. Or maybe the OrderlyHole. Or Possibly the cleanhole. Either way I think we can all agree that was an awesome flub but he just looked me in the eyes and dared me to laugh, and one thing I can say for myself is I always accept dares***, so then I said "HAHAHAAHAAA!! You sure fucked THAT up, Jack!" even though his name isn't Jack. And then he made stunned and angry eyes at me, so I did a quick flourish of my cape and threw down some flash powder and escaped.**** True story.*****

*I'm just guessing but I attribute lots of things to my being so handsome, like migratory patterns of southbound Canadian Geese, not winning the lottery even though I totally play all the time, and in the car I even test the theory by shouting "Honk if you think I'm handsome!" and then maybe I try to swerve into them...but maybe they just think I'm handsome. It's hard to say.

**I don't endorse the fisting of anyone's messhole for real, because it could be anywhere and maybe that means on ME somewhere. So just say "no". Also: "Don't do drugs. Especially hard drugs... I mean pot and peyote are probably okay as long as you don't trip out and try to rob a liquor store or anything." I'm such a community servant.

*** I especially accept dares that start "You can only screw me if..." or "You can only get out of jail when..." or "I dare you to be more sexy!" Because I totally can be.

**** It was really a handful of Skittles© and by "escaped" I mean "was escorted out"

***** Not true at all, except the handsome part which is so true that I just crapped my pants from how true it a Christmas miracle only instead of God's son be born into a donkey or whatever it was just me sitting here with an incredibly big messhole in my pants.


That Baldy Fella said...

The opposite is, of course, tidyhole. Everyone likes a tidyhole.

If I had exploding powder and a cape, the world would be a smokier, swooshier place...

Soda and Candy said...

"And that goes in her messhole.** (*slide whistle*)"


Also, are you going for the Most Footnotes Award?

Because if so well played, sir.

Belle said...

I regularly test my theory that people are idiots by shouting HONK IF YOU'RE AN IDIOT and then acting like I'm going to cut them off. It works every time.

Secret Agent K said...

I must say I liked the idea of getting away from the boss using a cape and flash powder. Last time I tried to get away I just punched her in the face and hid behind an open door, totally not as much fun

Mandy's Kidding said...

Anything that precedes "hole" sounds dirty.

Holes are generally dirty.

Wow, that was awkward said...

This may be the best titled blog of 2009.

Ed Adams said...

You make me want to be a better messhole.


Jules said...

The opposite is CLEARLY neathole. But you're such a messhole, you wouldn't know that.

miss. chief said...

I thought I came up with the whole pixie stick magic trick. Huh. Whaddayaknow?

Prosy said...

sometimes when I'm in a hurry, I just read the asterik parts at the end. It's like cliff notes on Kurt

Kim said...

Shit, I don't know what it is about you but every time I come here all clever comments leave my head. But it's just rude to keep stopping by and not saying something so here, dammit, is your comment. This must be what it feels like for guys who can't get it up.

Kurt said...

@Baldy: And I think to myself...what a wonderful world.

@Soda: I knew you'd like that. Australians are all about putting it "down under". (*slide whistle*)

@Belle: Another good test is throwing animal blood onthem if they aren't wearing fur. If they don't seem confused by this, then you know you've got an idiot on your hands.

@Secret Agent K: I should think behind a closed door, would be a better hiding place...but the punching was a good plan. Bosses need to be reminded what's what every once in a while.

@Mandy: Speak for yourself there, Toots.

@WTWA: (*takes a deep bow, waits for the armful of roses he so richly deserves*)

@Ed Adams: That comment was a weird mix of anal sex and Jerry Maguire... in a good way.

@Jules: I am a total messhole.

@miss.chief: I think you method of deployment via cartwheel is fancier though.

@Prosy: My Cliff notes© is just one page and it says "That was stupid."

@Kim: I can't confirm this because I have an impossible erection pretty much all day. Thanks for stopping in though. You did good. :)

rubbish said...

"Are you sitting comfortably, good, now tell me Kurt, did you have a happy childhood?"

Miss Yvonne said...

I'm making a t-shirt that says "Messhole. Ask your mom if you don't know what it is."

mytornadoalley said...

I'm having a difficult time getting the image of a messy hole out of my head every time someone says messhole. I think the cure would be to stop reading the comments, but the 7-year-old boy who resides in my brain won't let me.

mepsipax said...

Ah the messhole. Saw an afterschool special about it once.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Why does the word "messhole" make me crave chili?

Sarah P said...

"that one time in college when you jokingly got a Three dozen pixie-stix lodged up there and everyone in the hospital gave you funny looks because you kept farting and shiny colored sugar would go shooting across the room behind you"

That just sounds magical.

GIANTS FAN said...

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