Tuesday, December 29, 2009

How Much Mt. Dew Do I Need To Drink Before I'm Extreme?

Okay. I'm totally ready now.


I'm serious, I've seen enough action movies to know that when a person is living a seemingly boring life and it doesn't look like anything interesting will ever happen to them, POW! something extreme happens and I don't know if the Russians need to invade or if someone needs to hijack a building or what, but obviously, if I am THIS handsome and living a boring life than it's about time for my kids to get kidnapped or something, because I am an action hero waiting to happen pretty much all the time.

I've been trying to stimulate (*snicker*) this reaction by trying to be a little more actiony but so far my Axe© Extreme BMX Jump Double Ollie Pussy Attractor© Body Wash doesn't seem to be working. Maybe I'm using it wrong. According to the commercials women should be all over me and rap metal should be playing and me and my skater friends should all be slamming Berry Fuckfest© Mt. Dew or whatever while doing extreme kick-flips off my coffee table. So far I think I just smell like old grapes and shoe polish. I don't know if that's extreme enough for an action hero of my caliber.

The other thing I did was, the other day, the kids asked me what was for lunch and I said "Tuna fish sandwiches! Ooo WA-AAA-AAA-AA!!" because rap-metal is always the most extreme and when bodies are allowed to hit the floor and people are getting down with the sickness it's the aural equivalent of ski-jumping off the back of a lunging shark or jumping out of an airplane with only a surfboard and a tourniquet. I'm starting to feel like maybe whoever is in charge of making real life action movies isn't doing a very good job, because... I mean...come on! I'm WEARING Oakleys© for Christ's sake!

I double checked to make sure I am living an extreme enough lifestyle so I did a search for Extreme Sports and pretty much everyone in the whole world is base jumping or BMX Dirt biking off dinosaurs, or Super Para-sailing into volcanos and all I'm doing is drinking my coffee too fast and then holding my pee in. That's not extreme enough, I guess. But all that extremeness looks a little dangerous to be honest so I typed in "Extreme Dolphins" because they are gentle and loving sea creatures that guide lost sailors to land and hump mermaids but still find time to do radical double-ollie kick-flips out of the water, and this is what I found:

That's what I'm talking about! Ooo WA-AAA-AAA-AA!!

Then I looked up Carrottop because he seems to be a super-extreme gentleman because of his eyebrows and muscles and lack of self-awareness, and I found this:

Is it just me or is his whole body pointing at his junk?
That's a good trick!

I think I make a pretty compelling argument for my action hero status readiness. Your Witness.


Soda and Candy said...

Thanks a lot, now I have to go wash my retinas so that they may be free of Carrot-Top.

I really want to be an Extreme Dolphin jockey though, that would be awesome.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

I think honestly, just drink the Dew and extreme will come naturally when you are so jacked up on caffeine and sugar that you think you can fly out the window on bravado alone.

Base jumping is only extreme if you do it WITHOUT a parachute.

Vic said...

I don't how many sleepless nights I have pondered this question about you, Kurt. You have extreme action hero written all over you.
I think the problem is not only do you have to be living a boring life, but then someone has to bully you before the power kicks in. Has anyone kicked you in the junk lately?

I want to be an extreme hula-hooper.

ornateincoherency said...

I think that God led me to your blog as a Christmas present. I just laughed so hard and so loud (so EXXXXXTREME!!!) that my little kids got scared and started crying.

Allie said...

I felt like this recently. I bought a sweatshirt that was made by Hurley. Hurley is a brand marketed to the Extreme Sports crowd, but I've never done anything more extreme than running really fast at one of those speed checker signs. I think I got 18 MPH, which isn't even speeding.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that you never cease to amaze me. I think this might be one of my favorite posts of yours. Like, I wish I wrote this shit. I have a little geiger-counter for awesomeness built into my brain and when I read a blog post, it beeps every time something ridiculously funny happens. When I was reading this, it was pretty much just one long beeping sound. There was no space in between. Even the buildups were funny. Just when I thought you'd reached the crescendo of the awesomeness, you threw in the picture of extreme dolphin riding. This is a legend, dude.

bikramyogachick said...

Carrot top makes me throw up in my mouth a little bit...
wait, is that his real body?

miss. chief said...

sometimes i have trouble leaving comments here because:

a) i have to compete with all the other commenters and like, read what they say first

2) i am exhausted after reading this. serious.

Ed Adams said...

I sued AXE for false advertisement.

Then, they sent a bunch of undercover prostitutes (ha-ha-ha) to ravage me at the mall.

Totally fucked my court case.

Liar AXE Bastards!

mylittlebecky said...


i think you should try more caps lock in your daily life. then strap yourself in. for the "ride." that's my professional opinion.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

This post is classic. They will use this post fifty years from now when they're teaching Monster Apathy 101 in colleges around the world. I'm giving you major slow armpit fart applause building up to a rousing, passionate hummingbird-speed armpit standing ovation.

The Jules said...

The problem with extremeness is that we only see the experts who make it look easy.

You can bet that extremist ageing skaterboy Tony Hawking started with stabilisers before moving on to the skateboard and, ultimately, his big computer-controlled wheelchair.

And extremist hook-handed cylcopian cleric Abu Hamza didn't start off inciting suicide bombers to destroy the West, but was probably just a bit mean to kittens in the early days. Maybe sucked all the chocolate of Brazil nuts before offering them to someone.

It's all practise practise.


That Baldy Fella said...

I stood up quite quickly and got little spots in front of my eyes. Does this qualify as extreme?

Kurt said...

@Soda: Use Listerine to wash your eyeballs so they'll be minty-fresh.

@The VA: I think Base Jumping is for pussies. I mean...if your starting at the BASE than how far is there to jump? TOP jumping...now THAT'S extreme.

@Vic: You raise a good point. I need to Embrace Adversity. That would make it happen for sure. I thought you already were an extreme hoopist.

@Ornateincoherency: Yay! I love new, enthusiastic readers. You haven't been bitterly, bitterly dissapointed yet! OO-Waa-AAA-AAA-AAA!!!

@Allie: Don't make me blush, the splotchiness wrecks my naturally stunning good looks. Also, Thank you.

@Yogachick: That's his real body, or at least the parts that won't make you go blind if you see them.

@miss.chief: Monster Apathy: Inspiring Naps since 2008

@Ed Adams: All women are undercover prostitutes. So are all men. It's all a matter of point of view.

@mylittlebecky: Your comment was so extreme I feel like I just rapelled off a coyote.

@Becks: Your armpit fart ovations are my favorite ever. And you are too kind. Thank you.

@The Jules: Stephen Hawking is the king of the Extreme Wheelchair. Take that non-radiation emitting black holes! Ooo-Waa-AAA-AAA-AA!!

@Baldy: Heh. That's almost as extreme as pressing on your eyes until you see colors and get a headache!


BugginWord said...

You mocked rap metal, Carrot Top, AND Mt Dew all in one post? Let the stalking begin. Game on.

Janine said...

I've seen a few action movies lately, and I noticed a "new" trend. The man having the boring life has to have an ex-wife who a. has custody of the kids b. is remarried to a man with money who the kids like and c. is really still in love with the boring life guy if only he had a steady six figure income.

Once this setup is complete, just let the action begin.

Lindsay said...

"Drinking my coffee too fast and holding in my pee" - made me snort out loud.

And I agree with Miss Chief. I can't ever come up with anything witty enough to grace the comment section.

sherri said...

grossest picture of carrottop i've ever seen. and there are a lot of gross ones out there. happy new year!

bitethebedbugs said...

oh god oh god oh god. carrot top. do you think he has red hair around his carrot? you're welcome.