Okay. I'm totally ready now.
I'm serious, I've seen enough action movies to know that when a person is living a seemingly boring life and it doesn't look like anything interesting will ever happen to them, POW! something extreme happens and I don't know if the Russians need to invade or if someone needs to hijack a building or what, but obviously, if I am THIS handsome and living a boring life than it's about time for my kids to get kidnapped or something, because I am an action hero waiting to happen pretty much all the time.
I've been trying to stimulate (*snicker*) this reaction by trying to be a little more actiony but so far my Axe© Extreme BMX Jump Double Ollie Pussy Attractor© Body Wash doesn't seem to be working. Maybe I'm using it wrong. According to the commercials women should be all over me and rap metal should be playing and me and my skater friends should all be slamming Berry Fuckfest© Mt. Dew or whatever while doing extreme kick-flips off my coffee table. So far I think I just smell like old grapes and shoe polish. I don't know if that's extreme enough for an action hero of my caliber.
The other thing I did was, the other day, the kids asked me what was for lunch and I said "Tuna fish sandwiches! Ooo WA-AAA-AAA-AA!!" because rap-metal is always the most extreme and when bodies are allowed to hit the floor and people are getting down with the sickness it's the aural equivalent of ski-jumping off the back of a lunging shark or jumping out of an airplane with only a surfboard and a tourniquet. I'm starting to feel like maybe whoever is in charge of making real life action movies isn't doing a very good job, because... I mean...come on! I'm WEARING Oakleys© for Christ's sake!
I double checked to make sure I am living an extreme enough lifestyle so I did a search for Extreme Sports and pretty much everyone in the whole world is base jumping or BMX Dirt biking off dinosaurs, or Super Para-sailing into volcanos and all I'm doing is drinking my coffee too fast and then holding my pee in. That's not extreme enough, I guess. But all that extremeness looks a little dangerous to be honest so I typed in "Extreme Dolphins" because they are gentle and loving sea creatures that guide lost sailors to land and hump mermaids but still find time to do radical double-ollie kick-flips out of the water, and this is what I found:
Then I looked up Carrottop because he seems to be a super-extreme gentleman because of his eyebrows and muscles and lack of self-awareness, and I found this:
I think I make a pretty compelling argument for my action hero status readiness. Your Witness.