Lately the first drafts of my posts have been like that one time you fed a bag of sugar to your neighbors ADHD kid and then chased them around the yard with a squirtgun for an hour until they were so wound up they just had to look at squirrels to give them heart-attacks and then they bit the mailman and you could hear them barking well past midnight and then they had to go to a special school for a while and the whole time you felt guilty and WANTED to tell your neighbor, but she has wild loud sex on the weekends too much and that makes it difficult to watch
porn movies. Anyway(s) my first drafts have been like Hunter S. Thompson wrote them while on a peyotes bender, only he wrote them in a language he made up and used Charles Manson's blood for ink. All that multiplied by cocaine = my first drafts. They are unreadable. I mean...they're readable and in English but reading them makes me feel like I'm having a psychotic break and I usually have to go sit in a corner with a warm cup of Jasmine tea when I'm done re-reading them. You know what you can't fix with Jasmine tea...I mean besides being gay? Nothing. That's right.
I'd give you a sample of what I'm talking about but I take my responsibilities to my audience very seriously, because sometimes it's the thought that counts and my thoughts probably count double because I'm both smart and sexy, like a jaguar or that one pirate who is way too clean and doesn't have any hooks or bad teeth and gets all the wenches and the other pirates generally distrust him and then they have a stretch of bad weather and think he's a bad omen so they eat him. I'm like that pirate. Only at the last minute I escape and have sex with the Governor's daughter. But not Keira Knightly because her face looks like it's trying to run away in two different directions at once. If it had to be her though, I would take the opportunity to make the incredibly funny joke "I have sex with Keira...NIGHTLY!! HAHAHAHAHA!!" and then I'd punch myself in the balls, because I'm tough but fair.
* I never knew how many chips you'd have to eat to do 1000 crunches every day, but I guess these diet people know what they're doing (*opens third bag*)