Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Every Rose Has It's Thorn. Except Me. I'm Awesome And Still Totally A Thornless Rose

I don't know what's wrong with me. And No... it's not being too sexy, because I already thought of that as I was doing my 1000 daily crunches* and I quickly ruled it out because check out this winning smile! Being gorgeous is just the price I have to pay and I came to terms with it long ago. Maybe you are wondering what I did that makes it so I have to "pay the price", well I guess you have your one question for God now, if the chance comes up.

Lately the first drafts of my posts have been like that one time you fed a bag of sugar to your neighbors ADHD kid and then chased them around the yard with a squirtgun for an hour until they were so wound up they just had to look at squirrels to give them heart-attacks and then they bit the mailman and you could hear them barking well past midnight and then they had to go to a special school for a while and the whole time you felt guilty and WANTED to tell your neighbor, but she has wild loud sex on the weekends too much and that makes it difficult to watch porn movies. Anyway(s) my first drafts have been like Hunter S. Thompson wrote them while on a peyotes bender, only he wrote them in a language he made up and used Charles Manson's blood for ink. All that multiplied by cocaine = my first drafts. They are unreadable. I mean...they're readable and in English but reading them makes me feel like I'm having a psychotic break and I usually have to go sit in a corner with a warm cup of Jasmine tea when I'm done re-reading them. You know what you can't fix with Jasmine tea...I mean besides being gay? Nothing. That's right.

I'd give you a sample of what I'm talking about but I take my responsibilities to my audience very seriously, because sometimes it's the thought that counts and my thoughts probably count double because I'm both smart and sexy, like a jaguar or that one pirate who is way too clean and doesn't have any hooks or bad teeth and gets all the wenches and the other pirates generally distrust him and then they have a stretch of bad weather and think he's a bad omen so they eat him. I'm like that pirate. Only at the last minute I escape and have sex with the Governor's daughter. But not Keira Knightly because her face looks like it's trying to run away in two different directions at once. If it had to be her though, I would take the opportunity to make the incredibly funny joke "I have sex with Keira...NIGHTLY!! HAHAHAHAHA!!" and then I'd punch myself in the balls, because I'm tough but fair.


* I never knew how many chips you'd have to eat to do 1000 crunches every day, but I guess these diet people know what they're doing (*opens third bag*)

25 comments:

BlackLOG said...

Who exactly is it being fair to when you punch yourself in the balls? My guess it might be Kiera as long as you had sex after the punch so that she could take advantage of any extra swelling that came into play. If however you are wearing a box, to protect said gonads, then the danger is that you will break your hand and be unable to satisfy yourself for a while….and you though you had problems with the garbage you come out with….

BeckEye said...

Her face is trying to run in two directions at once...that is quite possibly the best description of Keira Knightly I've ever heard.

Mark Price said...

I laughed, I cried, it became part of me. Then I punched myself in the nuts.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Exactly why I only eat Push-Ups. They're a delicious frozen sherbet treat AND they give you ripped arms.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Ditto on the Keira thing. I could never quite describe her properly but now, thanks to you, I think I can. You're like a self-help program dude, thank you!

Peggy said...

I can't even fathom what a "1st draft" would be like but I think you owe us.

Allie said...

You know what's weird, Kurt? This morning discovered your completely independently from your comments. I clicked some link and found your blog and I was like "I'm totally going to stalk this guy when I'm done editing my blog..." And then guess what? I clicked your name to see your black and white, high-contrast header and I was like "this looks strangely familiar... oh yeah!"

It's like we were meant to be blog friends.

Allie said...

I mean to say "discovered your blog" but I just said "discovered your." Crap.

Michelle said...

Hey what up yo????

Ed Adams said...

I have a feeling the first draft was way better, but you deleted it because you were jealous, then realized that since you wrote it, you were basically being jealous of yourself. Then you punched yourself in the nuts and dreamed of Keira Knightly drinking Jasmine Tea, and was all, "Fuck it. I'm going with this shit."

Miss Yvonne said...

I would hate Keira except that she was in one of the Pride and Prejudice movies and I just can't hate Elizabeth Bennett.

Yeah yeah, I know. I'll punch myself in the nuts for you.

Maggie May said...

It's because you're too sexy for your blog.

Jules said...

But since I only do 500 crunches, does that make me less sexy? Cindy Crawford said I only had to do 500....

Cat said...

No example necessary. This post alone is like llamas on uppers skiing in Dubai with (of course) Donnie Osmond. Confusing enough as it is.

mytornadoalley said...

I'm sorry, I didn't understand a word you just said. My brain isn't very good at multi-tasking, which was a requirement for understanding that post. I think if I were to attempt to read one of your drafts, my head would explode. And how would I explain THAT to my boss when I was supposed to be working instead of trolling the Interwebs?

Amber said...

I missed having a reference to my mom in this post. And I'm pretty sure she did too. Now we're both sad. My family's probably going to fall apart over this, thanks a lot!

P.S. Please don't have sex with Keira, she doesn't have boobies. And a romp without boobies is like a day with no sun. Or a day where you think you're going to do it with a kind of pretty runaway-face girl, but she doesn't have boobies and you have no where to put your hands so it gets awkward. I'm just speculating.

Sarah P said...

Found you through Steam Me Up Kid through Allie.

I have nothing interesting to add to this comment. Just wanted to know that I will cyberstalk you evermore. Because you're hilarious.

Memoirs of a Korean said...

My feelings are kind of hurt by the Keira Knightley joke...only because I wish I had thought of it. I wish I was a winner, because then I'd be just like you. Good stuff, sir.

mepsipax said...

Wow, how have I not seen your blog yet. This is awesome. 1st drafts. What the hell are those for. My teachers hated me for that btw. But the Keira joke. Nice.

Captain Dumbass said...

Kurt drinks jasmine tea!

The Jules said...

Thank you for protecting us from from exposure to your original drafts. I expect it might be a bit much for us, like when Icarus flew too near the sun and got melanoma, only he just thought it was a crusty mole and left it too late.

Tragic really.

And no punching Kiera Knightly in the balls.

Kurt said...

@BLackLog: My hand is indestructible. All that masturbating has really paid off.

@Beckeye: Another good one is she looks like the baby of when a spider that humped an armchair.

@MarkPrice: That's the spirit!

@Becks: I was going to say I only wear Pull-ups for the same reason but I think they are diapers and totally not chic.

@VeggyAss:Are you calling me a robot?! Because I totally have feelings! Oh...wrong kind of program.

@Peggy: Imagine looking into the face of God and finding out he looks like Lady Gaga. Now multiply that by LSD to the power of Pedophilia. That's what my first drafts do to your mind.

@Allie: You know What else is weird? You said you discovered my crap, even though, according to my calculations I always flush. Where are you?

@Michelle: Hey Michelle! Long time no speak!

@Ed Adams: You're right about one thing, I AM the sexiest lover in the world. Oh wait...I said that, not you.

@Miss Yvonne: I gave your Mom a "Colin Firth" last night. Which is where I act all sensitive and wear a cravat and ask her for tea. And then she pees on me.

@Maggie May: You get me.

@Jules: NEVER believe Cindy Crawford! The Spider-Queen is filled with LIES!!!

@Cat: I can break it down to the brass tacks: Goddamn, I'm good looking!

More Comments Back after this word from our sponsors

hiphophippie.com said...

There's no greater pleasure in the world than chasing disordered children around with water weapons. You're high-larious.

Kurt said...

@MTA: That's okay. No one really understands me. It's hard to focus on my words when I'm so handsome is the problem, I think.

@Amber: Sorry about your Mom. There's something I'd never thought I hear myself say. That's like apologizing for Pop-Tarts©

@Sarah P: Thanks for making your way to me. I'm sorry it was such a convoluted path to get here. I wish I could promise things would be LESS confusing from here on out.

@Memoirs of A Korean: Having sex with Keira Knightly would be like making love to a toolbox full of wrenches. Not relevant to your comment, but thought provoking I bet

@mepsipax: My teacher hated me for the inappropriate touching. So we share a common history pretty much.

@Cap'n D: Pipe down you.

@The Jules: My drafts are like Gamma Radiation, I'm not SAYING you'll turn into the Incredible HUlk if you read them. But you totally will, I bet.

@HHH: There is a greater pleasure. And if you weren't a new commentator I'd tell you it was "Your Mom", but you're new so I'll tell you it's flowers or something.

BugginWord said...

I kinda zoned out after hearing about that pirate. Yum. I might need some Jasmine tea to recover.