Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Adversity in the Workplace

We were all corralled into a special meeting this morning at work and maybe some people expected me to be on time and not wearing headphones and paying close attention but those people were gravely disappointed because the only thing I was paying attention to was the shiny wrapper of the Three Musketeers© bar in the vending machine. All that delicious whipped, who-gives-a-fuck-what-it-is-and-don't-say-it's-nougat-because-Mars© bars-had-nougat-of-an-entirely-different-consistency-and-flavor...yum. Seriously. If I found out the stuff in the middle of a Three Musketeers© was whipped kitten, I'd be all "That's too bad. I bet real kittens raise the price of the candy. They should figure out a synthetic kitten substitute maybe." And then I would continue to eat. Because I love animals but Three Musketeers© are only lesser than Skittles© because you can't pretend Three Musketeers© are your anti-psychotic medication when the doctors aren't watching you close enough.

Now I'm not positive what the meeting was about but I'm pretty sure I heard the speaker say we should all "Embrace Adversity" or something and then he started talking about all these different ethnic groups and I was all "Man! That's so racist! I don't think working with people of different cultural backgrounds qualifies as 'adversity'!" , but my indignation was quickly forgotten because that Three Musketeers© was calling me and if it were a friend on the telephone it would have said "Hey man! You should come over here and eat me." and I don't know what kind of friends YOU have, but mine were delicious.

And then I got to thinking about it and what if by "Embrace Adversity" they meant they wanted us to like try and do our jobs while fighting off dinosaurs, because that is pretty much the most adverse work environment I can think of. Fighting dinosaurs while listening to Ashlee Simpson albums.(zing!) Wait. Is Ashlee Simpson still even a relevant reference? I don't know. But I do know dinosaurs, and when I say I would have to battle dinosaurs I don't mean pussy dinosaurs like Hadrosaurus who has consistently demonstrated an advanced matriarchal society in the fossil record with strong indications that they reared their babies through pubescence and into adulthood. Oh good for YOU, Hadrosaur! Way to be the shining star of the dino world. All the others hate you, you goddamn suck up. I'm not even talking about you anyway(s) because I mean nasty motherfuckers like velociraptor and T. Rex and Your Mom (zing! zing!). And thinking about trying to do my job while battling your mom's-a-sore-ass, or that swimmy one that looks like Nessie and I think it would be very difficulty indeed, and if that's the kind of Adversity I need to embrace, you can count me out.

I think these historical images of what happens when people try living with Dinosaurs speak for themselves, but if not allow me to say "No THANK you!"

I'll take the kind like they were talking about where I have to work with Mexicans, thank you very much. That's as much adversity* as I can take. I still say that's racist though.

Moral: I want a Three Musketeers©

*Turns out they were saying "diversity" which makes a lot more sense, and is way easier to embrace than "adversity". It would be like choosing between hugging a handsome, majestic unicorn or hugging your mom when she's on a tequila bender and has got a mean streak on.


JAG said...

There is no moral. There is never, ever a moral Kurt, unless that moral is I'm sick and it hurts to laugh so kindly lay off the funny, you jerk.

Also, it's nougat. Face it. Nougat in all it's disgusting glory.

Wow, that was awkward said...

Have you had those new Skittles that are two flavors in one? You get to enjoy that first mystery fruit-like sugary flavor on the outside and then a second fruitish sugary flavor on the inside. I like them except for the yellow bag. I think peanut M&Ms have cornered the market on yellow bags.

notthatkindofgirlblog said...

Say what you will about the nougat: we all know the real reason you like 3 Musketeers is because the shiny label lets you admire how handsome you are.

bikramyogachick said...

Ah, diversity, not adversity. See what happens when you show up with headphones on!

Soda and Candy said...

Mmm, Three Musketters.

In Australia, a Milky Way is a tiny Three Musketeers and a Mars Bar is a Milky Way.

(In Rand McNally, hamburgers eat people)

/geography lesson

Miss Yvonne said...

Mmmmmm, whipped kitten.

Sally-Sal said...

Three muskies are amazing. Under 'also might like' I liked the picture of cat/dog.

Cat said...

I just don't even know what to say right now.

Mandy's Kidding said...

I can't get past the whipped kittens.


Mmm. Creamy.

Kate said...

I love the idea of trying to do the job while fighting off dinosaurs! Genius

Kate xx

Allie said...

Okay so when you said "conquering adversity in the workplace" my first thought was "what, like fighting dragons?" I wasn't too far off!

I think that dinosaur-based adversity would be good for office morale a couple times a year. It would bring coworkers closer together because nothing makes you bond to your fellow humans like thinking they are going to be the last person you ever see!

Kurt said...

@JAG: It's not nougat! It's love!

@WTWA: WTF is this blasphemy! Skittles with two flavors! You'd probably like it if you made love to a woman with two vaginas because one just isn't eno...actually that sounds pretty good.

@NTKOGB: Well shiny surfaces do make everything look more handsome. That's for sure.

@YogaChick: Boy! Are You right about that!!

@Soda and Candy: You people are weird. And that's not racist, because you really all are weird.

@Miss Yvonne: Melts in your mouth, not in your fur trap!

@Sally Sal: Isn't a muskie a kind of fish? What are you a sea lion? Originally I wrote "walrus" but I didn't like the implications that were unintentional because you are a new commenter and everyone says I have to be nice to new commenter. Walrus is a funnier word though. Also, Welcome!

@Cat: Maybe try "I don't even know what to say right now." That was pretty good.

@Mandy: You like your pussy whipped?

@Kate: I hope everyone is paying attention because this is how comments should sound.

@Allie:Dragons is better. Shit.