Friday, November 6, 2009

Dinosaurs Are Not A Slip And Fall Hazard

Yesterday at work we had a safety meeting as soon as we got in and I don't know what kind of evil-minded, racist-against-tired-people, bigot was in charge of this debacle but I will tell you one thing, I have a winning smile. The very notion that people can listen to you talk about Material Safety Data Whatever and blah-blah-blah explosion hazards at 6am is like saying I am capable of having sex with a wild jungle girl who has pledged a life oath to me and I now keep in the basement in a special crate I made out of a refrigerator box that I lined with sticks and leaves, and NOT brag about it to all my friends who then want a turn but I say "no" because I care way more than I share.

That is to say "not very effing likely at all".

So they are talking about some safety shit and I'm not paying attention because all my focus is on trying to keep my eyes open, because guess who Johnny Goodluck seated right next to me? My boss. Perfect. Well-played, Fate. You're such a douchebag. (I'm just kidding, Fate...HAHAHAHA! Get it? I'm calling you a douchebag out of love and respect, the way I would with a priest or my mom. My point is, don't fucking impale me on the way home please. Take a fucking joke, Douchebag!) So my boss is sitting there looking all ruddy and ready for a heart attack and I'm slumped next to him trying not look slumped, and that is achieved by holding your shoulders up too high so your torso is the right height even if your head isn't.

And then the presentor told us to beware of brontosauruses wandering around the plant and I wanted to stand up and say "You fool! Everyone knows they are called Sauropods now, and the animal formerly called "Brontosaur" is now called "Apatosaur" and it was just one species of an entire Dinosaurian Genus. Simpleton!" and then he would be ashamed of himself and then maybe a Sauropod could step on him just to drive the point home. I'm all about driving points home. And by "driving points" I'm talking code for "screwing" and by "home" , I mean "your mom". And then I thought "The Sauropod is an incredibly large animal and it would be easy to avoid it, and it's not like they will try to eat you being that it's diet consisted mostly of vegatation! Why is this even being included in this safety lecture?"

And then I woke up.

Stupid 6am meetings.

Moral: Go read my article on Mama Pop because it's Friday and the movie I'm talking about is both funny and gross. Like watching monkeys fuck. So it's pretty much a must see.

Also Moral: I'm featured on Five Star Friday again, so I think we can all agree I better get my ass in gear on coming up with a catch-phrase as fame is imminent. Like The Clap or the cops figuring out where I live.


Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Wow, you are just featured everywhere today, huh? Well let me ask you, Mr. Big Shot, are you featured in your own heart? Because nobody can truly feature you until you feature yourself. You get what I'm saying.

No, take your hands out of your pants, that's not what I meant.

JAG said...

Well. I didn't know that part about the dinosaurs and that's why I keep you around. Because you're like a paleontologist but much more handsome.

Spot said...

I'm confused. So Sauropods aren't a safety hazzard now? Damn. Time to rewrite those safety manuals.


HappyHourSue said...

Yeah, what're you now, like the Seacrest of blogging?

So not jealous.

HHS out.

Soda and Candy said...

My favorite dinosaur is the plesiosaur(us?), it's pretty much like an apatosaur but with paddles instead of feet... unfortch this means it has less chances of ruining morning meetings.

Mark Price said...

Where the heck do you work? Jurrasic Park?

Captain Dumbass said...

I think getting stepped on by a Brachiosaurus would be a pretty good way to go since it weighed like 120,000 pounds so you know you wouldn't suffer. Ok, maybe having sex and then getting stepped on.

miss. chief said...

what about "ay caramba"? i don't think that's been done before.
or you could hike your pants up really high and snort and go "did i do thaaat?" in a super nasal voice. THAT would be hilarious

Prosy said...

you work in a paint distributing plant don't you? I don't know how I got that out of this story, but I'm 94% sure

Vic said...

I think dinosaurs in the work place would increase productivity. Will they tolerate a saddle?